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Let me not be misleading that painting has not been a fix-all, but a temporary relief. I couldn't make it without medication at this point. That is a good consideration.

EMDR brought up some tough stuff and I experienced bodily responses, emotions I'd never tapped into, and crazy dissociation. The initial memory that I worked on with the T is now a part of my memory bank that doesn't overwhelm me with shame anymore. I don't go right back into the painful scene...

Welcome! Thank you for your courage and bravery.

Welcome to the forum! You've found a safe and supportive place, and we're glad you are here.

How do you learn to love yourself or think well of yourself? I struggle with receiving love from others and believing then and have noticed recently that I don't know if I believe those things about myself. I don't feel loveable. I feel like an f-up. But I know I can't stay in this place.

I relate to being high functioning and staying busy while crashing inside. Painting has been helpful. I picked it up because it doesn't have to be perfect and I can let go of that expectation. It's brought joy

BPD can be tough to treat, but most of the time there is a copious amount of trauma. Trauma can be addressed and DBT can be used. I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way @Supervixn, even though I realize that wasn't your right diagnosis.

Eye contact is tough for me too. During EMDR, when T has me look at her to be sure I'm "there" I feel so uncomfortable and quickly look away . Otherwise, if possible, I stare at the floor.

I get it. I have trouble believing people are sincere. Then, when complimented, I sometimes point out a flaw in myself. It's uncomfortable for me

@Disco Dancing Queen saying a prayer for you. I'm afraid of what coming off medicine will be like

I relate. He's given you a safe space and it feels good for once. You are not alone!

This could be a dumb question, but are you seeing a T?

@Disco Dancing Queen I know that nothing is a quick fix, but I have found the "Insight Timer" app particularly helpful when feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and all out of sorts. It is a meditation app with a timer, guided meditations, music, or even talks to listen to. It is connected to other...

@Mee I am sorry that you are experiencing sleeplessness. Is this a normal occurrence, or something that just began?

Thank you for your helpful responses. Sometimes I feel like the attachment/transference junk means I am broken and that I may never be able to overcome it. Usually, if I recognize that I am beginning to feel maternal transference, I will distance or cut myself off from that person completely...

Vulnerability doesn't come easy for me. Trust is hard. Feeling safe is rare. Expressing emotions is still a work in progress. However, I've found myself to enjoy my therapist and I look forward to going to therapy. I'm afraid that being vulnerable is going to make me feel attached though and I...

I am always paying attention to my surroundings, especially when out walking anywhere. Tonight, I was approaching my car in the parking lot of a restaurant, carrying my son. I was watching everything around me and saw no one. The area we were in wasn't the greatest, so I was really heightened. I...

@hithere I'm glad you could get some relief. Lol. ;)

@James McGregor I see what you're saying

I agree that consent cannot be given if you're unconscious, therefore it's rape. I'm so sorry you experienced that. (Hugs)

Thank you @Freida As a child I wasn't permitted to display negative emotions, so a tantrum was out of the question. My body literally has muscle spasms when I think about expressing negative emotions. EMDR or therapy in general sometimes triggers a lot of jerking muscles in my arms and legs.

Thank you @Justmehere, sometimes this battle can feel like an island, and I can feel disconnected from reality. @Lamename01234 I wish you well in the conversation that you intend to have with your T and am praying that it goes well and they respond in a helpful way.

Thank you @Justmehere. Transference has made me feel like there is something "off" about me for years. When I reflect on it, I have seen it happen time and time again, with teachers, coaches, and older friends. If I experience what feels like maternal affection, it is as though I internalize...

I think what bothers me as well is that I feel like this childlike part has a lot of anger and wants to rage. I realize it is likely bc of how my mother tested me as a child and not feeling protected, but it also makes me so fearful of what could happen with T. Or, what if I bring it up and it...

Please help. It's freaking me out. I've done EMDR with another T and experienced the same thing. I just started EMDR with new T, who I have been seeing for a few months. She picked up in my ongoing PTSD symptoms and suggested working on the sexual abuse I'd experienced. I was an older teen when...