Sexual Assault Would someone please confirm whether or not this was rape?

[User67]

Hello, I'll try to keep this short. If anyone can please just tell me whether or not you think this was rape. Thank you, I just need someone to tell me so I can build up the courage to tell my mum. I think I'll feel better once I get someone else's opinion on this.
So a few days ago I went for some pre-drinks at a workmates house. I was originally going to just meet him at the club we decided on but he insisted on me coming to his for some pre-drinks, so I agreed as it would save me a lengthy bus trip. So he picked me up and we go to his house where he lives with two other roommates, and we were just drinking and chatting and long story short I had a few too many pre-drinks, last thing I remember was laying back on his bed So this is where I am a little fuzzy on the details. I kind of 'came too' and we were having sex, he was on top of me. I was so sleepy and still very drunk that my only thought was 'Oh were having sex' then I think I slipped back into unconsciousness because the next thing I remember is just getting off his bed, putting my clothes on, and calling a taxi to go home. It didn't hit me until I was home that I didn't remember initiating sex or anything I just kind of came too and we were doing it. So yeah, the thing is it would be different if I had been attracted to him from the start but he is the exact opposite of my type and I'm not a big fan of sex in the first place. I also am not the type of person to sleep with someone I work with, we both work at a fast food chain and I am seriously considering quitting my job because I don't want to ever see him or I think I will break down. He is saying that I was 'pretty conscious' and he kissed me which I also don't remember. It makes me nauseous just thinking about him kissing me. The thing is I was so drunk that I wouldn't have been able to consent in the first place. I'll stop now because I'm rambling at this point. If anyone could just reply that would be so helpful, thank you.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like you were very drunk, whether you were very drunk in a “feeling uncharacteristically horny, cuddling up to co-worker to where he reasonably thought you wanted to sleep with him” way, or drunk in a “stripped against your will and taken advantage of” way only you can tell. You’d not be the first person to get very drunk and have sexual with someone you’d normally avoid, you’d also not be the first person to get very drunk and be victimised by someone who seeks out drunk people to have sex with where consent is a bit sketchy or non-existent.

How would he have known you were too drunk to consent? I’m assuming he was very drunk too so he won’t neccesary have been able to read your body language accurately especially if he’s not been around when he or you have been drunk. Or he may have purposely got you drunk with the intention of having sex regardless of consent.

In any event, you’re entitled to your feelings about what happened and I hope you have some real life support.

 

[Friday]

Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @User67.... I'm sorry that happened to you.

The fact is you were taken advantage of.. You were unconscious... What kind of a man then thinks it's OK to have sex with you?....

If you did not consent.. Then yes I'm sorry to say that's rape. Do you think he put something in your drink?.

Tell your mum she will help you. And I would not want to go back to work either. Maybe talk your your boss if you can and explain why you don't want to come into work.

The man that did this is scum. It doesn't matter that you were drinking. They should have either taken you home, phoned a friend for you or your mum. Again I'm sorry. Big hugs.... X

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You can’t consent while unconscious so yes you were raped. Weather or not there’s anywhere near enough evidence to get a criminal conviction is a different matter.

He sounded pretty keen to get you to his house. How drunk was he? How much did you drink and is it possible he drugged you or got you drunk on purpose.

I’m very sorry that this happened to you.

 

[Swift]

Hey there.
There are two sides of what you're going through here, the legal and the emotional.
Rape laws vary by jurisdiction. Sorry to disagree with you @Suzetig , but largely rape is defined as 'sexual intercourse without consent', and one must have the *capacity* to consent. This is why we have age-based consent laws, and why statutory rape is a thing. Capacity includes such things as age, relationship to the perpetrator, and intoxication, whether self-administered or not. This is why it is illegal to have sex with an intoxicated person, or someone under anasthesia.
So legally speaking, yes, I'm sorry, it does fit the definition of rape. Whether you'd be able to prosecute is a different story.
Emotionally speaking, you sound pretty cut up about it, so I'd say it was rape emotionally speaking too. If me and my consensual sex partner, who I've had a long-standing consensual, healthy relationship decide to get a bit drunk/high/wasted and have some fun times, that's not emotionally rape, even if I was legally so incapacitated as to be beyond capacity for consent, and they were stone cold sober. The consent castle is a good metaphor.
So that all leaves what do you do now? The forums over at Pandy's are great for this sort of thing. There are probably healthcare services, crisis centres etc for care and help with telling your mum. They don't make you do anything you don't want to do - you don't have to have an examination, you don't even have to have a blood or STD test, and you don't have to give evidence or anything. I know RAINN is international.
Best of luck mate.

 

[James McGregor]

It's always impossible to say, but for the facts you've stated no i don't think it can be called rape. Simply because you were drunk doesn't make it rape, because you may have been happy for it to happen but can't remember now. Many who have drunken episodes may not be clear, and may regret it afterwards - but rape is a very serious allegation, for everyone involved so you have to be sure. Being unsure as you are, I think points to something you wish you hadn't been involved in, that's just not the same. That's just my opinion, and only based on what you've written and not drawing any other conclusions. Maybe there's further facts you haven't said, but by what you say that's what I think. Others have commented on morals etc, that's a totally different subject and not anything to do with what you are asking

 

[Overcoming]

I agree that consent cannot be given if you're unconscious, therefore it's rape. I'm so sorry you experienced that. (Hugs)

 

[Suzetig]

So this is where I am a little fuzzy on the details

I think this is really important - you don’t seem to know what happened, whether you did or didn’t give consent, when you realised you were having sex you didn’t move to stop it. The details you’re fuzzy on may or may not include indicating you wanted to have sex. Which is why I don’t think anyone here can say whether you were raped or not, you were there and are fuzzy on the details so folk on the internet aren’t going be more aware than you are.

 

[James McGregor]

I agree that consent cannot be given if you're unconscious, therefore it's rape. I'm so sorry you experi...

She doesn't remember, that's not the same as unconscious when alcohol is involved. She also does remember parts, and was not distressed during those moments. Not drawing conclusions, but it's important to remember those parts

 

[Overcoming]

@James McGregor I see what you're saying

 

[Sweetleaf]

She doesn't remember, that's not the same as unconscious when alcohol is involved. She also does remember parts, and was not distressed during those moments. Not drawing conclusions, but it's important to remember those parts

To me it sounds more like she was unconscious and got woken up during it, and fell back asleep, rather than being blackout drunk. If she were just drunk and blacked out, and had a moment of remembering shit, she wouldn't have been going "oh, I'm having sex" during it because she'd already know. Therefore I think it might be pretty possible she passed out and got raped while asleep. Plus, she said she felt sleepy, adding to the possibility she was just sleeping. If that's true its definitely rape.

In my experience blackout drunk doesn't work like that.