Relationship Some advice please, on how to support him, and save our marriage would be really appreciated.

[Vale]

Hi everyone,
My husband was diagnosed with c-ptsd last year. Prior to this life was a struggle, and we separated for a while due to not being able to understand his behaviour towards me, and his lack of willingness to address conflict differently. I was always walking on eggshells as anything could trigger him. I left, and prior to the diagnosis believed it was abuse.

In June last year he had an episode of dissociation where he became threatening and violent. He accused me, and told people close to him, he’d seen me kissing someone else. This did not happen, not anything even remotely close. It took me a really long time to convince him that I had not done what he believed to be true (my sister and her husband were with me the whole time, so fortunately I had some witnesses to this).

Since the diagnosis, c-ptsd with dissociative episodes, I’ve been better able to understand. The diagnosis was in July last year, and he was advised on pharmaceutical and therapeutic treatment. The psychiatrist also gave him some Cbt type exercises that really helped for a while. He said he didn’t want drugs, so we had discussed and agreed on therapy.

However, fast forward to now and he has not sought treatment. We did, however, start couple’s therapy. We had three sessions, and at the fourth he decided he wants a separation. I know he was triggered prior to this by visiting my parents in April (he has a love hate relationship with them).

What I also noticed, beginning of March, was that he was starting to drink a lot of alcohol, and had just been promoted at work, which led to a lot of pressure as they are short of staff and he is now in charge,

The separation came to me as a real shock, I feel completely blindsided, I was his wife one second and completely vilified the next- to the point where he barely says hello to me now. The more I research the more confused I become as a lot of sites would suggest not making permanent decisions in a time of heightened stress and anxiety. We’ve been on this rollercoaster in the past, where he goes from loving me to hating me, and a lot of the time I’ve been unsure why or what I could have done to cause the sentiment.

Other than being really upset, I’m really worried about him. I think he’s in a really dark place but won’t let me in. Says we’ve been trying for years, but has not sought the prescribed treatment, so fundamentally other than the diagnosis nothing has changed in the past year.
Any advice on how to support him, and save our marriage would be really appreciated. TIA

 

[Sideways]

prior to the diagnosis believed it was abuse.

Both can be true. Just because he has ptsd, doesn’t mean “well, that wasn’t abusive”. He’s still responsible for his actions, & responsible for seeking help if he needs it.

While his trauma and mental health condition explain why he has acted the way he has, it doesn’t mean he’s not responsible for what he’s done.

Ultimately, he needs to be the one to seek help.

Do you have support of your own? Sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

 

[Vale]

Thank you so much for your reply. I recognise I’m in a really dark place currently and have taken some time off work, and spoken with my therapist :)

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My heart goes out to you. I am a suffer and my wife says she has had to walk on egg shells for years. There was never any violence or outburst by me. I would just remove myself from situations that became too much for me. Anyway, my whole life was turned upside down and for 8 months I worked hard on saving the marriage. I finally had to give up, I filed for divorce on Tuesday. We have agreed on dividing everything up so there is no fight there. I feel like a whole new life is opening up for me. I feel sadness that the 28 year marriage failed but on the other hand I have a whole new life I can craft intentionally. I am meeting wonderful people everyday and life does go on. So it seems the worst case is actually a great opportunity for me. If everything goes south, life does go on.

 

[anthony]

I left, and prior to the diagnosis believed it was abuse.

It likely is abuse. Because he has CPTSD does not mean he isn't abusing you. It is very normal for a spouse to be abused by someone with PTSD, because they're the person there the most in that persons life. Spouses getting PTSD from abuse because of PTSD, is called secondary PTSD. Just a name, but the label will be PTSD. Abuse is abuse and it may lead to PTSD or other symptoms alone.

In June last year he had an episode of dissociation where he became threatening and violent. He accused me, and told people close to him, he’d seen me kissing someone else. This did not happen, not anything even remotely close.

Abuse! Look... PTSD can be wild when the person isn't being treated.

However, fast forward to now and he has not sought treatment. We did, however, start couple’s therapy.

Again, very typical. I will, I will... but they're just words. Actions speak louder than words, and for you, everything is going to be your choice on what you put up with and what you don't.

What I also noticed, beginning of March, was that he was starting to drink a lot of alcohol, and had just been promoted at work, which led to a lot of pressure as they are short of staff and he is now in charge,

Trying to cope. The fact he is working, I am surprised he is in a relationship.

Any advice on how to support him, and save our marriage would be really appreciated.

Ok - you aren't going to like this. You have to support you first, take care of you first. That is step 1.

When you have you in check, your life, your capacity to support yourself, your living situation stable, so forth, then you can support him. He will likely beg you back, just to kick you out again. That is PTSD. That is the confusion within the mind caused from PTSD. Simply, overwhelmed and unable to cope with life. A person will prioritise things, and if they need to work to have money to live, and if that is their priority, then everything else outside of that single task will likely be removed / volatile within the sufferers life.

You are going to have to think about you first, because right now, by your own admission, he isn't doing anything to help himself. He really should try different pharmacological options to see IF he can find one that works for him. It won't fix him or cure him, but if he can find one of the many options available that will work with his body and mind, without adding additional symptoms and complications, then that can give him some breathing room IF he wants to then take on therapy, to actually try and reduce the issues within him, find some solutions and understand what is wrong with himself. Understanding brings guidance and direction in self healing.

Nothing you do can fix him. You need to understand that. All the love in the world for him won't change him with PTSD. He has to change him - you, it is merely your choices you make for yourself as to what you will and won't put up with in your life.

 

[arfie]

hello vale. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i am the "identified patient" in my 45 year marriage. i have lost count of how many times i have left my husband, just to get his amateur screwdrivers out of my ears. i am not your do-it-yourself project, honey bunch. let me trust my therapy network. please stop asking me for expert summaries of psychotic phemonena i don't understand myself. works in progress. stop hovering and let me work.

i earnestly believe that our mutual distrust of lawyers was the primary saving grace of our marriage. neither of us filed for divorce during the separations and our roads lead back to one another. the years we lived separately were the most important years of our marriage. those were the years we learned to live and let live. hubs is still too perfect for therapy, but he has learned to respect boundaries. stay out of my psychotherapy, fix-it-all man. let me trust my hired guns.

dunno if this applies to your case, or not. just sharing personal experience in hopes of welcoming you to the forum. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.

 

[Vale]

My heart goes out to you. I am a suffer and my wife says she has had to walk on egg shells for years. There was never any violence or outburst by me. I would just remove myself from situations that became too much for me. Anyway, my whole life was turned upside down and for 8 months I worked hard on saving the marriage. I finally had to give up, I filed for divorce on Tuesday. We have agreed on dividing everything up so there is no fight there. I feel like a whole new life is opening up for me. I feel sadness that the 28 year marriage failed but on the other hand I have a whole new life I can craft intentionally. I am meeting wonderful people everyday and life does go on. So it seems the worst case is actually a great opportunity for me. If everything goes south, life does go on.

Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry to hear it’s been tough for you too, it sounds like you’re in a better place, and that’s comforting. Gives me some hope for the future, although currently my heart is completely shattered

 

[deno]

Reading your story brought a lot up for me. I’m on the other side of CPTSD—living with it myself—and what you wrote reminded me how heavy it can be for the person walking beside us. It’s not just about surviving flashbacks or dissociation. It’s about the people we pull into our orbit and how it affects them too.

I don’t know your husband, but I know that if someone refuses treatment, refuses self-responsibility, then love alone can’t hold it together. You’re not wrong for trying, and you’re not wrong for being hurt by it either. Even though it might feel like everything is shattering, sometimes that’s what clears the space for something stronger—whether it’s with him, or without.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Hi everyone,
My husband was diagnosed with c-ptsd last year. Prior to this life was a struggle, and we separated for a while due to not being able to understand his behaviour towards me, and his lack of willingness to address conflict differently. I was always walking on eggshells as anything could trigger him. I left, and prior to the diagnosis believed it was abuse.

In June last year he had an episode of dissociation where he became threatening and violent. He accused me, and told people close to him, he’d seen me kissing someone else. This did not happen, not anything even remotely close. It took me a really long time to convince him that I had not done what he believed to be true (my sister and her husband were with me the whole time, so fortunately I had some witnesses to this).

Since the diagnosis, c-ptsd with dissociative episodes, I’ve been better able to understand. The diagnosis was in July last year, and he was advised on pharmaceutical and therapeutic treatment. The psychiatrist also gave him some Cbt type exercises that really helped for a while. He said he didn’t want drugs, so we had discussed and agreed on therapy.

However, fast forward to now and he has not sought treatment. We did, however, start couple’s therapy. We had three sessions, and at the fourth he decided he wants a separation. I know he was triggered prior to this by visiting my parents in April (he has a love hate relationship with them).

What I also noticed, beginning of March, was that he was starting to drink a lot of alcohol, and had just been promoted at work, which led to a lot of pressure as they are short of staff and he is now in charge,

The separation came to me as a real shock, I feel completely blindsided, I was his wife one second and completely vilified the next- to the point where he barely says hello to me now. The more I research the more confused I become as a lot of sites would suggest not making permanent decisions in a time of heightened stress and anxiety. We’ve been on this rollercoaster in the past, where he goes from loving me to hating me, and a lot of the time I’ve been unsure why or what I could have done to cause the sentiment.

Other than being really upset, I’m really worried about him. I think he’s in a really dark place but won’t let me in. Says we’ve been trying for years, but has not sought the prescribed treatment, so fundamentally other than the diagnosis nothing has changed in the past year.
Any advice on how to support him, and save our marriage would be really appreciated. TIA

Hi @Vale -Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I can relate .I have been where you are word for word.I rarely post or reply on this forum, but seeing your story brought up a lot for me. I have tried my hardest to support my CPTSD sweetheart.Not married but it has been on again, off again. He sets the pace and status of our entire relationship ( which becomes a friendship when he feels like and so on)
Loving him has been the most beautiful and shattering experience at the same time. He broke up several times -each time a new excuse.He acknowledged how supportive I am of him and he felt safe-but I guess I was not enough.Mine got treatment for three years straight- I am so proud of him for addressing and caring for himself. However with the fact that I get 'vilified',just like you have been, and the 'loving me to hating me'- the sudden and unexpected flip switch is unexplainable....that rejection kills a supporter and carer slowly.I felt completely blind sided -multiple times.I feel helpless sometimes even now and yes I worry about him too.
All I can do is to say -hold on. Stay at peace. Accept that you are able to love and love hard.
I know in your heart a part cries out- I wish it can just work out. My heart goes out to you.