This is embarrassing and hard to reach out for feed back. But it's something which has become a bit obsessive (thinking about/ trying to understand) for me, because I have different parts of me holding different and conflicting views about it, and their different, opposing reactions are tearing me apart (i have OSDD).
The whole issue around this memory is how I process it when I have 2 or more different opposing views/ feelings / states around it. My parts seem to be stuck on this memory, which isn't overt / bad in severity but we don't seem to be able to move forward with processing other things, until there's some agreement on how we view and understand this.
What do I want to know from others here? Your thoughts on how you see this situation. I know people can't tell me what my dad's intentions were in this particular instance. But what is your initial gut reaction (if any) about what I describe. If you put yourself or a child you know in the same described situation what do you feel/ think?
I'm 4/ 5 years old. My brother is 7/8. This is something that would happen before/at bed time (wasn't unusual). My dad would get over-excited / hyped up (unhinged energy), would get naked (no idea why) and start whipping my brother and I with his belt. We would be sat on the bed, my brother and I would be up against the wall at the head end. My dad was standing at the foot of the bed. He seemed to get enjoyment from it. I remember it was like anger and laughter/ fun all mixed together from him.
My younger parts remember I was cowering behind my brother as much as possible and closing my eyes. My brother would be trying to shield us from the belt. I was confused and scared. Didn't understand what was going on, wanted it to stop and just clung to my brother. I don't remember any pain from the belt.
Other parts of me are very dismissive about this memory meaning anything or or about it being significant in any way. I don't have clear memories of what was said by my dad - it's more the sense of things. But my dad also did this in the context of it being a kind of game. We were supposed to be joining in with it I think?. Playing along? I really don't know, especially when i wanted to get away. He did it anyway. . But these other parts of me tell the younger parts and me that I'm making a mountain of a mole hill, it wasn't really that bad and I've got it all wrong. They are very scathing of my younger parts.
We've told T about the memory, about the dilemma going on inside around remembering it and finding it hard to know what significance it has, or hasn't. Some of my protector parts have great power over my whole system (they can cause alot of havoc and pain if things feel threatening to them, particularly memories). So when we told T about this memory, we told him from the perspective of those parts. So they would be heard and taken seriously which is what they want. I.e - here's a memory but it's not that bad, you've understoodit wrong, you'rebad etc. And T and I agreed atm we have to hear those parts and validate their thinking/ feeling, even if we don't agree with it, over other parts. Because of wanting to keep the lines of communication open with them and not invoke an almighty lashback which is what they are used to doing. He's let me know we can tell the parts who are scathing we don't agree with them, but we still need to acknowledge hear and validate them.
The problem is, my other younger parts are now really upset because they feel they've done wrong, they shouldn't have said anything, these parts feel unheard. T was talking about the memories at another session using words like my dad was being 'playful', my dad being 'excited' etc . But there were words I wouldn't use tu describe what happened. My younger parts feel very ashamed and embarrassed and misunderstood when T was describing parts of this memory with those words (T knows) because they feel perhaps they are wrong about what happened. Because T didn't really say/emphasise what happened was wrong and bad, they feel ashamed. They feel like my other parts who have been telling them they are wrong for thinking and feeling that way, are in fact correct. Which makes them bad. Other parts feel strongly that what happened shouldn't have happened and it was clearly wrong.
Me (adult me, host me) is going crazy listening to everyone, having such conflicting feelings arise about it all. I feel like I'm supposed to know what to think/ feel about this and to educate and help my parts about it all to gain some sort of shared understanding. But I'm so so so so confused and this dynamic is really hard to manage.
I usually don't ask for feed back from others re opinions on memories, as I know the dangers with that. But this time I'm actively interested in hearing what others think. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm right or wrong. Just, what are your gut feelings about the scenes I described. What would you think/ feel about it if it was happening to a kid you knew?
The whole issue around this memory is how I process it when I have 2 or more different opposing views/ feelings / states around it. My parts seem to be stuck on this memory, which isn't overt / bad in severity but we don't seem to be able to move forward with processing other things, until there's some agreement on how we view and understand this.
What do I want to know from others here? Your thoughts on how you see this situation. I know people can't tell me what my dad's intentions were in this particular instance. But what is your initial gut reaction (if any) about what I describe. If you put yourself or a child you know in the same described situation what do you feel/ think?
I'm 4/ 5 years old. My brother is 7/8. This is something that would happen before/at bed time (wasn't unusual). My dad would get over-excited / hyped up (unhinged energy), would get naked (no idea why) and start whipping my brother and I with his belt. We would be sat on the bed, my brother and I would be up against the wall at the head end. My dad was standing at the foot of the bed. He seemed to get enjoyment from it. I remember it was like anger and laughter/ fun all mixed together from him.
My younger parts remember I was cowering behind my brother as much as possible and closing my eyes. My brother would be trying to shield us from the belt. I was confused and scared. Didn't understand what was going on, wanted it to stop and just clung to my brother. I don't remember any pain from the belt.
Other parts of me are very dismissive about this memory meaning anything or or about it being significant in any way. I don't have clear memories of what was said by my dad - it's more the sense of things. But my dad also did this in the context of it being a kind of game. We were supposed to be joining in with it I think?. Playing along? I really don't know, especially when i wanted to get away. He did it anyway. . But these other parts of me tell the younger parts and me that I'm making a mountain of a mole hill, it wasn't really that bad and I've got it all wrong. They are very scathing of my younger parts.
We've told T about the memory, about the dilemma going on inside around remembering it and finding it hard to know what significance it has, or hasn't. Some of my protector parts have great power over my whole system (they can cause alot of havoc and pain if things feel threatening to them, particularly memories). So when we told T about this memory, we told him from the perspective of those parts. So they would be heard and taken seriously which is what they want. I.e - here's a memory but it's not that bad, you've understoodit wrong, you'rebad etc. And T and I agreed atm we have to hear those parts and validate their thinking/ feeling, even if we don't agree with it, over other parts. Because of wanting to keep the lines of communication open with them and not invoke an almighty lashback which is what they are used to doing. He's let me know we can tell the parts who are scathing we don't agree with them, but we still need to acknowledge hear and validate them.
The problem is, my other younger parts are now really upset because they feel they've done wrong, they shouldn't have said anything, these parts feel unheard. T was talking about the memories at another session using words like my dad was being 'playful', my dad being 'excited' etc . But there were words I wouldn't use tu describe what happened. My younger parts feel very ashamed and embarrassed and misunderstood when T was describing parts of this memory with those words (T knows) because they feel perhaps they are wrong about what happened. Because T didn't really say/emphasise what happened was wrong and bad, they feel ashamed. They feel like my other parts who have been telling them they are wrong for thinking and feeling that way, are in fact correct. Which makes them bad. Other parts feel strongly that what happened shouldn't have happened and it was clearly wrong.
Me (adult me, host me) is going crazy listening to everyone, having such conflicting feelings arise about it all. I feel like I'm supposed to know what to think/ feel about this and to educate and help my parts about it all to gain some sort of shared understanding. But I'm so so so so confused and this dynamic is really hard to manage.
I usually don't ask for feed back from others re opinions on memories, as I know the dangers with that. But this time I'm actively interested in hearing what others think. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm right or wrong. Just, what are your gut feelings about the scenes I described. What would you think/ feel about it if it was happening to a kid you knew?
