barefoot
Diamond Member
Wow! That’s some serious transparency in your relationship!
Even if he’s not on here much...the fact that the pair of you can come on here, know the other’s username, can read what the other has posted here (which could be stuff you’ve never shared with each other or which could even be *about* each other...that’s really bold! Takes courage and trust from both of you, I think?
I’m so intrigued by this and by how you’ve agreed to be able to make that work for both of you and what you both need from here. But I know that’s off topic so I’ll reign my curiosity in!
Codependency...I don’t know much about it. But from what you’ve said in this thread, I’d echo everything @Friday said!
I guess these bits most stand out for me and get me thinking:
What is it about that that bothers you/is a problem for you?
Does it bother/feel problematic to him?
Do you want to do things without him and don’t feel you can? If so, what thinks? And why is it you can’t just go ahead and do them on your own?
Looks like your husband would disagree with that “all” as he mentioned in his post something he makes a decision on. So you may be being a bit all or nothing with that statement.
What kind of things do you find you are consistently making decisions about? Which are the ones you would most like his help with?
Have you talked to him about this? How might you encourage him to contribute to more of the decision-making?
You sound resentful about making so many decisions yourself. Has that resentment been building up over time because you’ve left it to fester and grow? Or have you tried to work with him on it and you feel frustrated because it hasn’t made a difference and he hasn’t changed?
Sounds like a massive assumption to me! How do you know that?
He said in his post above that he goes for walks because he loves you. Because he knows it’s important to you.
That doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to do it or because he only does it out of obligation. Sounds to me that he is doing it out of love for you. And because, you know, relationships are about give and take. We sometimes do things that our partners love even though we’re not particularly enthusiastic about that thing because we are doing something for them because their enjoyment and the good things it means to them are more than our lack of interest. And they do the same for us in other ways.
Eg - my partner enjoys watching football. I don’t. I don’t loathe and despise it to the point where I can’t bear to be in the same room while it’s on tv. But it’s not my thing. It doesn’t interest me. But my partner enjoys it and I know she likes it if we watch it together sometimes.
So, the compromise is, she doesn’t watch every single football match that’s on - so it’s not a given that if I match is on, she’ll/we’ll be watching it. She picks the matches that matter most. Sometimes when she watches it, I’ll be in the room but doing something else (surfing internet, reading etc). Othertimes I’ll actively sit and watch a game with her.
And when I do that, I’m not doing it under duress or begrudgingly. I’m not sitting there thinking “I’m not doing this because I want to”. I’m not feeling obliged to do it - I’ve made a choice to do it with her. Because it matters to her, she enjoys it and I can easily join in on that sometimes. No problem.
The other way round...I really like family movies and cartoons. She doesn’t particularly. If she wasn’t with me, would she choose to watch those sorts of films? No. But she’s fine to watch them sometimes with me. And she does that because she knows it’s special for me and something she can easily join in on.
It’s just nice to do things for each other because you know the other will enjoy/appreciate it, you know? No major sacrifice required.
I know these examples are small things - watching things on tv. But I think the sentiment is the same with other stuff too.
For me, I think relationships thrive on give and take. Not always putting yourself and what you want to do first. Doing something even if it’s not your number one thing because you know it would mean a lot to your partner. Appreciating when they do likewise for you.
I’m not saying you two aren’t in a co-dependent relationship. I have no idea.
I just get a sense that you maybe make assumptions about how he feels or his intentions behind somerhing (eg he only does something for you because he feels obligated not because he wants to) Maybe you could try to accept his actions around doing nice things for/with you at face value? And to try to trust when he says that he does them because he loves you?
Sounds like you don’t believe he (or maybe anyone) would do something for you because they wanted to. Like you think you don’t deserve it or something?
Even if he’s not on here much...the fact that the pair of you can come on here, know the other’s username, can read what the other has posted here (which could be stuff you’ve never shared with each other or which could even be *about* each other...that’s really bold! Takes courage and trust from both of you, I think?
I’m so intrigued by this and by how you’ve agreed to be able to make that work for both of you and what you both need from here. But I know that’s off topic so I’ll reign my curiosity in!
Codependency...I don’t know much about it. But from what you’ve said in this thread, I’d echo everything @Friday said!
I guess these bits most stand out for me and get me thinking:
What is it about that that bothers you/is a problem for you?
Does it bother/feel problematic to him?
Do you want to do things without him and don’t feel you can? If so, what thinks? And why is it you can’t just go ahead and do them on your own?
Looks like your husband would disagree with that “all” as he mentioned in his post something he makes a decision on. So you may be being a bit all or nothing with that statement.
What kind of things do you find you are consistently making decisions about? Which are the ones you would most like his help with?
Have you talked to him about this? How might you encourage him to contribute to more of the decision-making?
You sound resentful about making so many decisions yourself. Has that resentment been building up over time because you’ve left it to fester and grow? Or have you tried to work with him on it and you feel frustrated because it hasn’t made a difference and he hasn’t changed?
Sounds like a massive assumption to me! How do you know that?
He said in his post above that he goes for walks because he loves you. Because he knows it’s important to you.
That doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to do it or because he only does it out of obligation. Sounds to me that he is doing it out of love for you. And because, you know, relationships are about give and take. We sometimes do things that our partners love even though we’re not particularly enthusiastic about that thing because we are doing something for them because their enjoyment and the good things it means to them are more than our lack of interest. And they do the same for us in other ways.
Eg - my partner enjoys watching football. I don’t. I don’t loathe and despise it to the point where I can’t bear to be in the same room while it’s on tv. But it’s not my thing. It doesn’t interest me. But my partner enjoys it and I know she likes it if we watch it together sometimes.
So, the compromise is, she doesn’t watch every single football match that’s on - so it’s not a given that if I match is on, she’ll/we’ll be watching it. She picks the matches that matter most. Sometimes when she watches it, I’ll be in the room but doing something else (surfing internet, reading etc). Othertimes I’ll actively sit and watch a game with her.
And when I do that, I’m not doing it under duress or begrudgingly. I’m not sitting there thinking “I’m not doing this because I want to”. I’m not feeling obliged to do it - I’ve made a choice to do it with her. Because it matters to her, she enjoys it and I can easily join in on that sometimes. No problem.
The other way round...I really like family movies and cartoons. She doesn’t particularly. If she wasn’t with me, would she choose to watch those sorts of films? No. But she’s fine to watch them sometimes with me. And she does that because she knows it’s special for me and something she can easily join in on.
It’s just nice to do things for each other because you know the other will enjoy/appreciate it, you know? No major sacrifice required.
I know these examples are small things - watching things on tv. But I think the sentiment is the same with other stuff too.
For me, I think relationships thrive on give and take. Not always putting yourself and what you want to do first. Doing something even if it’s not your number one thing because you know it would mean a lot to your partner. Appreciating when they do likewise for you.
I’m not saying you two aren’t in a co-dependent relationship. I have no idea.
I just get a sense that you maybe make assumptions about how he feels or his intentions behind somerhing (eg he only does something for you because he feels obligated not because he wants to) Maybe you could try to accept his actions around doing nice things for/with you at face value? And to try to trust when he says that he does them because he loves you?
Sounds like you don’t believe he (or maybe anyone) would do something for you because they wanted to. Like you think you don’t deserve it or something?
