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Hi all,
I am really struggling and need some support.
My partner and I were together for 3 years. We were very happy for the vast majority of those 3 years. We moved in together after about 5 months, moved abroad together for 7 months, and got a dog together.
About 6 months ago, my partner started working crazy hours. Sometimes 6-7 days a week, and often 8-15 hour shifts. A few months after that, they started to have an identity crisis. For context, they are 22 and I am 29. We met and started dating at 19 and 26. I knew they experienced some very heavy trauma in their past, to the point that I had to seek my own therapy after hearing about it because it was so awful.
So given the age gap and their unprocessed trauma, I wasn’t surprised when they started to feel “antsy” and like they didn’t know who they were or what they wanted in life and might need some time/space to figure things out. They insisted many times that they still wanted this relationship.
When these feelings began, we were already in couples therapy to help improve our communication, so we addressed this with our couple’s therapist. We came to the conclusion that they would move out into their own apartment, in a little over a month. They instead moved out within 7 days of that session, which was very jarring for me. I helped them move out and was supportive but was asking for support given the abrupt transition. From the day they moved out, however, this then gave them a justification to work even more hours (the hours they were working before this were already unsustainable) and after moving out, they were even more overwhelmed than before. They had zero capacity to deal with the hurt they had caused by moving out so abruptly or even have a conversation about any of this. Our couple’s therapist recommended taking a break from talking about anything to do with feelings, and just focus on having fun together for 3 weeks. We did this, but my partner still felt overwhelmed, and had a hard time even being around me because they were “afraid that feelings would eventually come up”. After this, we met with our couple’s therapist again and decided to do two weeks no contact to give them room to breathe — I was ready to do no contact as well as this whole experience was so draining. My partner decided that it would be two weeks — I would’ve given them longer if they asked, but they only asked for the two weeks. Throughout this whole process, they are still working insane hours. For example, in the three weeks of no feelings, they had one single day off and many of the days on were working 12-15 hour days.
At the end of the two weeks, my partner texted me and was immediately very cold/distant which made me know something was off. Finally, they said “I think I need more alone time”. I asked for clarification and they said “I think I need to be alone. I’m sorry”, so I once again asked for clarification to which they finally said “I am not able to be in this relationship at this time”. I got upset that they were doing this over text and their excuse was they they were working several double shifts back to back and wouldn’t have time to see me. I asked if they wanted to have a conversation at any point and they said they don’t think that would be beneficial anymore. So I said okay well whatever. I was caught off guard because we agreed that we would come back together after the two weeks, and halfway through the two weeks they texted me saying they couldn't make it to an event I was going to be at and said they couldn't wait to hear about it, so all seemed fine.
My partner started therapy about a year and a half ago. Their therapist specialises in trauma, but I don’t think they’ve gotten into full on trauma processing yet (I don’t know, they were very hesitant to talk about therapy).
It has now been 20 days since this abrupt text break up and neither of us have said anything — complete no contact. I have reached out to our couple’s therapist for a debrief session (she is away until next week at least), but there are still logistical ties that I don’t know what to do about. They have had therapy twice since the breakup and I know this because they are continuing to use my international account to transfer the money — it is an empty account that they add their own money to, so I’m not worried about the money part, but why are they still using my account if they won’t even talk to me? They also still have a key to my apartment, I have a bag of their stuff, and they did not ask about our dog (I have her).
I’m trying to wait until my debrief with the couple’s therapist before doing anything, but sitting in this limbo is killing me, and I don’t know when or if I should say something. My sense is that they are in a complete nervous system shutdown from any combination of things (work hours, moving out, identity crisis, etc.) and I’m trying to find the best way to navigate this that is kind and gentle for both of us.
This has all been so horrible and confusing and I am trying my best to just focus on myself (exercising, eating right, spending time with friends/family), but am having a really hard time. Any words of wisdom or support would be very appreciated.
I am really struggling and need some support.
My partner and I were together for 3 years. We were very happy for the vast majority of those 3 years. We moved in together after about 5 months, moved abroad together for 7 months, and got a dog together.
About 6 months ago, my partner started working crazy hours. Sometimes 6-7 days a week, and often 8-15 hour shifts. A few months after that, they started to have an identity crisis. For context, they are 22 and I am 29. We met and started dating at 19 and 26. I knew they experienced some very heavy trauma in their past, to the point that I had to seek my own therapy after hearing about it because it was so awful.
So given the age gap and their unprocessed trauma, I wasn’t surprised when they started to feel “antsy” and like they didn’t know who they were or what they wanted in life and might need some time/space to figure things out. They insisted many times that they still wanted this relationship.
When these feelings began, we were already in couples therapy to help improve our communication, so we addressed this with our couple’s therapist. We came to the conclusion that they would move out into their own apartment, in a little over a month. They instead moved out within 7 days of that session, which was very jarring for me. I helped them move out and was supportive but was asking for support given the abrupt transition. From the day they moved out, however, this then gave them a justification to work even more hours (the hours they were working before this were already unsustainable) and after moving out, they were even more overwhelmed than before. They had zero capacity to deal with the hurt they had caused by moving out so abruptly or even have a conversation about any of this. Our couple’s therapist recommended taking a break from talking about anything to do with feelings, and just focus on having fun together for 3 weeks. We did this, but my partner still felt overwhelmed, and had a hard time even being around me because they were “afraid that feelings would eventually come up”. After this, we met with our couple’s therapist again and decided to do two weeks no contact to give them room to breathe — I was ready to do no contact as well as this whole experience was so draining. My partner decided that it would be two weeks — I would’ve given them longer if they asked, but they only asked for the two weeks. Throughout this whole process, they are still working insane hours. For example, in the three weeks of no feelings, they had one single day off and many of the days on were working 12-15 hour days.
At the end of the two weeks, my partner texted me and was immediately very cold/distant which made me know something was off. Finally, they said “I think I need more alone time”. I asked for clarification and they said “I think I need to be alone. I’m sorry”, so I once again asked for clarification to which they finally said “I am not able to be in this relationship at this time”. I got upset that they were doing this over text and their excuse was they they were working several double shifts back to back and wouldn’t have time to see me. I asked if they wanted to have a conversation at any point and they said they don’t think that would be beneficial anymore. So I said okay well whatever. I was caught off guard because we agreed that we would come back together after the two weeks, and halfway through the two weeks they texted me saying they couldn't make it to an event I was going to be at and said they couldn't wait to hear about it, so all seemed fine.
My partner started therapy about a year and a half ago. Their therapist specialises in trauma, but I don’t think they’ve gotten into full on trauma processing yet (I don’t know, they were very hesitant to talk about therapy).
It has now been 20 days since this abrupt text break up and neither of us have said anything — complete no contact. I have reached out to our couple’s therapist for a debrief session (she is away until next week at least), but there are still logistical ties that I don’t know what to do about. They have had therapy twice since the breakup and I know this because they are continuing to use my international account to transfer the money — it is an empty account that they add their own money to, so I’m not worried about the money part, but why are they still using my account if they won’t even talk to me? They also still have a key to my apartment, I have a bag of their stuff, and they did not ask about our dog (I have her).
I’m trying to wait until my debrief with the couple’s therapist before doing anything, but sitting in this limbo is killing me, and I don’t know when or if I should say something. My sense is that they are in a complete nervous system shutdown from any combination of things (work hours, moving out, identity crisis, etc.) and I’m trying to find the best way to navigate this that is kind and gentle for both of us.
This has all been so horrible and confusing and I am trying my best to just focus on myself (exercising, eating right, spending time with friends/family), but am having a really hard time. Any words of wisdom or support would be very appreciated.
