Trying to give my husband a concrete sense of my mental health.

[Deanna]

This.

@Ellabella44 ... Jist to be clear, cause I’m super tired and probably clear as mud right now? My point isn’t to not tell him about your past. How much you choose to is entirely up to you, and there no inherent right/wrong of it. Some share none to people who could easily handle all of it, some barely share any with people who can’t even handle that much, and everything in between. What’s right/

He doesn't understand how I suppressed the things I went through. My therapists explanation to me about that is that the brain was trying to protect itself from damage. Was good enough for me but sometimes it seems not enough for him to fully understand where I've been and how I lived. Where I go durring flashbacks. How to shove it home to him that these places and events aren't just real to me. They happened. I have landmarks of where these things happened. Maybe its wrong or a bad idea but I'm thinking of taking him on the tour tomorrow. I feel ill be ok for it. Over the years I've driven back to my first childhood home. I've sat there wanting to get my brother and I out of the window where we stood while our father chased our mother with a hammer because his car battery died and she drove it last.

He's part of a big family. Had way happier childhood. He doesn't fully understand how I held this all back for so long. I don't know if this will do it for him. I don't want to hurt him somehow but he has to somehow get what I'm dealing with. Right now its like I'm a scared cat and being a silly human he can't understand all the hiding, hissing, scratching because he doesn't speak cat.

What would bother me, if he was sitting with me trying to understand this, I'd tell him to step outside. There's just places, I don't want anyone at. You maybe different.

Hey, totally sorry about your father blaming your mother for his dead battery. Sounds very callous and not wanting or taking responsibilty to buy a new battery.

Did your mom stay married to him?

 

[Mach123]

Really simple stuff. You know how you felt when you almost got killed that time? I feel that way when the milk gets spilled at supper. Remember when you got lost that time when you were a kid and your mother was so angry when she found you? I feel like that going to work in the morning. Little things, even though I know they are little, aren't.

I'm really glad I'm feeling a little less like that lately.

 

[Ellabella44]

@Deanna she divorced him when I was 10. I was maybe 6 or 7 when the car event happened. So many other things happened before the divorce. Things like him driving and saying he was going to drive into a tree and kill us all on our way home from church. Maybe that one was the last straw for her. And the whole time her target in return was me.

I've been quiet about my events long enough. I'm frustrated by things like certain songs from that time I end up putting hands on my ears and panicking and asking for it to be off.

@Mach123 little things are what I paid for.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Ellabella44 does it help to approach it simply as a trigger? Small or large it's the same methods to manage.

 

[Ellabella44]

I'm working on it. Money situation is now better. I misjudged him. When something gets worse I expect to be rejected and don't know what to do when I'm loved instead. We talked last night and he's going with me for my new med appointment. I expected him to react to yet another thing mentally wrong with me as the last thing he can take.

I'm clearer headed today and I'm probably not trusting his love for me because neither parent was a secure attachment figure. I've been in therapy for several years and I'm still finding things I have to work on. Thank you all for giving me outside perspective.

 

[somerandomguy]

this site had a lot of info and a supporters section when I was here years ago. He's never gone here though.

A quick note - it usually doesn't go well when both a sufferer and supporter in a relationship are both here at the same time. The sufferer doesn't feel like this is a safe place to say anything anymore, and the supporter constantly worries about seeing something they shouldn't.

 

[Ellabella44]

Hadn't thought of that. He'd never pick up on my name which is a combo of two characters I played in a game years ago. I was 44 when I first came here. Asking him to maybe come here back then was just me trying to fix things that weren't broken in my life.

And of course my diary here is titled Fixing what is broken. I have a habit of going over what is needed to manage the world around me. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband. I freak out.

Writes on chalkboard:
My personal inner mess isn't a deal breaker in my marriage.

I don't know how many times it will take for it to sink in.

 

[LuckiLee]

I think he needs to educate himself about PTSD and your symptoms. Not your trauma.

As a supporter the more I learn about PTSD the easier it is (for me) to deal with. I don't need to know about the trauma to support when my guy when he is symptomatic. I can't change the past but I can try to make him feel safe in the present.

I think you should share your symptoms and what you need in those times with him. How PTSD effects you. There's a great article here about the "stress cup". It explains alot for both the sufferer and supporter. Check it out and share it with hubby. It will help you both to start the conversation.

Good luck!

 

[katz]

HI! I experienced something quite similar to this with my husband. To him it was me being "overly emotional" or "irrational". He didn't understand where I was coming from and because of that, was unable to empathize and barely able to sympathize. It wasn't until I started going back to counseling (I have been a lot off and on through the years) and said "c-ptsd is my diagnosis" and made him read about it that he finally had the light bulb moment and actually got it. It was only one article but it was just that one little bit of education that helped him so immensely! Sometimes, I guess maybe a 3rd party, in this case, self-education is what seemed to help.

You're so lucky to have someone who will even read about your condition. I wish my husband would..

Hope it helps :)

My PTSD treatment on the nhs included a very short but helpful class for friends and family to help them understand PTSD better. It helped. Is hard to explain to someone who doesn't get it hey.

I think I once bought a book for him to read though he never read it.

I bring home articles for him. Even the short ones are not read.