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Sexual Assault CSA and Assualt and Gang Rape as a kid



When I was a 5 or six before school and older kid I trusted took me to a deserted place and raped me, I was so scared I kept crying even after he said don't tell anybody and left, I was confused and I was so scared. After that my friends showed me porn, but it was of actors a male patient and a women nurse, I thought that's normal to happen for women and men, that what led me to be addicted to porn that shows women as just a sex object and men as mindless f*ckers, but that didn't make me getting raped normal because we're both male, but somehow I tried to see it as normal too

After that an adult man on his 40 that live near my house at the time offered me money to make me anal f*ck him when I was 12, I remember it was painful as I was forcing myself to do it like how I seen in porn and thought it was normal, that led me to force myself to masturbate ever since until I'm now 24, when ever I'm stressed or confused or if I have emotions that I've never delt with, like abandonment, fear, or guilt, I force myself to masturbate untill it's extremely painful so I can recreate what I felt when I was 12 and feel relief

Around that time when I remember it a lot of kids in my neighborhood were trying to have sex with any kid that looked pretty or weak, and I was raped again by an older kid who kissed me in the mouth with his tongue inside my mouth, I I felt disgusting and horrible and I can never feel good watching people kis in movies or anywhere, but I never understood why I didn't like kissing while everyone is doing it consensually, I still can't feel good about it but I'm working on it,

I remember doing something really bad one-day when I was 12 or 13, I was hanging around with kids my age when I remember someone coming to us and told as that a kid was being raped by a bunch of kids in a near by building that was under construction and empty, the kid was being raped by 3 or 4 kids I don't remember how many and we were like 3 or 4 kids who came in running to rape him too, as I at the time thought that was normal and because I always got raped I wanted to rape a kid and that kid has crossed my mind before because he was pretty and white, I f*cking disgustingly was waiting for my turn the kid was younger than me by ywo or three years he just started going to school, as his father used to pick me up on their way to my school, after two kids raped him I don't know who they did or what they did with there penises there but he was standing with his legs spread and crying he was extremely scared I I was shaking I got there and rubbed my dick until I came and then a nother kid came and did the same and I saw him was hugging him, I was shaking and couldn't watch and immediately left running, I remember being scared and shaking but the same time I was excited and proud I thought I did a good thing, I've never seen the kid again, his father was known to be an alcoholic and he has three older brother one that was around 27, the second was about 16 or 18 and he was a violent scary kid and the last one was about his age maybe two years older, I don't where he is now last thing I remember that his father has died not long ago, and I'm scared for what I've did, I'm disgusted of myself, I used to keep blocking his memory everytime I get a flash back and masturbate painfully to forget by the pain

There were a dozen kids probably most of them raped him too I still remember him crying, just how I was crying when I first got raped in the dark and the picked up by my rapist and he took me back where I was setting with my friends and I forced myself to make it look like nothing happened, and we just where having a ride on the bike.

My childhood is missed up, I can't comprehend all that is what was my first introduction to life.
After I raped the kid I just locked myself in my house and cut all my ties to eveyand ever since I just kept masterbating forcefully, everytime I'm stressed I would watch porn of women getting f*cked mindlessly and masturbate few seconds into the video untill I feel so much pain that I can no longer keep watching and then go back to act normal like nothing happened

I keept doing that until I'm now 24, but in the past couple years a lot happened that made me feel out of this world when I started going to college and interact with a community of new educated people, I couldn't feel normal and I knew something is wrong with me, so slowly I'm rewinding my history and digesting what happened until recently I managed to stop masterbating and porn, but I wasn't sure what I'm doing wrong, as it's normal to masturbate when I search Google about it.

But the longer I stopped if I came back I know that masturbation is a part of the problem, I just recently knew how painful I'm forceful I'm to my self, I hurt myself so much doing that, and I don't want to that anymore I want to accept my past and fix myself for the future, I want to understand life the right way

Any advice would be helpful, I'm just gonna continue polishing myself out of these views by reading normal love and friendship stories and try to get myself to watch romantic movies without freaking out or getting flashbacks and accept the past, and stop using masterbation to hurt myself
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It depends where you are located, but my recommendation is narrative exposure therapy. If you can access the forensic version, that may be assistive as well, as it is targeted specifically toward what happens when we develop trauma responses in reaction to offenses that we have perpetrated onto others. No one here can render a judgment on you for what you have done, and I encourage you not to try yourself.

A child has much less legal responsibility for these types of crimes than an adult, because their understanding of mens rea - the intention to commit a criminal offense with full awareness of the consequences - is much lower than a full-grown human being. This isn't to say that you bear no responsibility, but that your capacity for rehabilitation is much higher than a sadistic adult's. What is needed is a comprehensive understanding of why it happened, why you did it, what you felt, the risk of you doing it again, and self-compassion to move through these experiences without harming yourself or another person.

I encourage you to do some research into the neurobiological basis of violence and aggression. FORNET is a great tool to utilize and you can learn these exercises on your own, through developing a timeline of your trauma and by learning behavioral modification techniques to overcome harmful impulses (such as compulsive masturbation).

Your desire to replace violent pornography with stories of mutual love and affection is a good one. The more we replace the tendency for aggression and violence in our mind, the less activated those pathways become in our brain, and the less reliance we have on them in day-to-day life.
Jeez man... that’s pretty brutal and listen man, I hope you feel better since those incidents. im sure that there is other folks suffering from rape or sexual assault on this app too, you are not alone dude. I hope you are doing well in this day and age and I wish you the best