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Sexual Assault CSA and Assualt as a kid - Terrified I might be repressing memories of hurting others

Hey, I’m posting this here cause I really want insight on the things that has happened to to me as a child. There are a lot of accounts to go through, so I’ll try and get it out. I had a PTSD relapse recently which caused me to flashback to all of these moments.

For a long time I was sexually assaulted by adults in my life including my uncle who raped me when I was about 12.

My step dad would always punch my ass as a child and due to these things not being the only trauma I was facing (along with homelessness, abusive parents, raising my brother,etc.) my memory feels like a place that’s locked away and so spotty.

I wanted to post this here because I want help and answers.

When I was younger one of my very first memories of sexual experiences was when my cousins were over at my childhood house and they were all humping me and each other I don’t think I could’ve been older than 6. I remember this happening and it kind of set me back a bunch. These people are still incredibly important to me. I’m 19 now and I know one of them was similar in age to me and everyone else was about 2-3gears older than me. I remembered that first and I forgive them. I know they were kids like me. They didn’t know, but none of us have ever really talked about it since. But I forgive them for that stuff I know they didn’t know and reading about CSA and COCSA I know they must’ve picked it up somewhere.

Later in my life I would keep running into similar situations. I remember when I was over at my babysitters, when I had to be the same age as mentioned before, I was in a closet with my babysitters son and he showed me his region. I don’t remember either of us doing anything and his older sister walking into the closet and being like “what are y’all up to?” And nothing happening after that. I don’t remember anything happening like that again but when I think of this I get flashbacks and I feel scared and tense but I’m so worried cause what if I did something? What if I initiated? I don’t ever remember doing either of those but I’m so scared it’s locked away in my memory even though I have no recollection of doing it.

Later on in the 5th grade around that time maybe 4th going into 5th my bsf at the time and I were in a shelter. The both of us got teddy bears and jumped them. We never touched one another and my parents saw us and reprimanded us cause they thought we were having sex. Whenever I remember this I get sick and uncomfortable I feel guilt as though I’m wrong and I get suicidal. The idea of hurting someone makes me feel sick that I caused them harm and irreparable damage as was done to me.

The next incident and last one occurred in hen I was in the 6th grade. I was over at my friends house and she showed me porn. Specifically it was porn that had actors playing as an uncle and child. This made me think that my uncle raping me was “normal”. I remember I started to masturbate. I didn’t know what I was doing and stopped touching myself cause I thought it was awkward and weird. Later on the both of us went to bed. I think this happened another time but I didn’t masturbate cause I thought it hurt and I didn’t like it. I think the introduction of porn is what gave me a porn addiction when I started to get older which I’ve since grown out of and healed. But with my friend I also saw her touch her dog inappropriately. I remember she and I were talking about cat/dog hybrids and she started touching her dog. I remember asking her to stop and making up an excuse cause I thought it was weird and it disturbed me. Especially because animals abuse was something people around me normalized but it made me feel sick to think about. Her and I were also about the same age I think she was a few months older than me but we were in the same grade. I remember opening up to her about what my uncle did to me at some point. Then she went to school and told people I had “fondled” her. This caused me to be suicidal for years, I remember one of my friends asking me if I did and from all that I know; I didn’t. I never remember touching her even when I dig deep even when I’m in the middle of flashbacks and force every memory upon myself just to know every detail I can because I never want to hurt somebody like that.

I’m so scared I hurt people I’m even terrified now that what if I’m hiding something from myself, what if I’m lying to myself, what if I’m an ugly monster undeserving of everything, I feel sick. I just wanted to post this here for any advice or insight?
 
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I’m so scared I hurt people I’m even terrified now that what if I’m hiding something from myself, what if I’m lying to myself, what if I’m an ugly monster undeserving of everything,

So, a lot of this probably comes down to your actual world-view and how you perceive good and bad, and what the concepts of justice and dignity invoke in you.

For me, there is nothing that anyone can do that makes them suddenly undeserving of basic human rights. Even murderers and despots and rapists. That isn't about them, it's about how we function as a civilization and what we devote ourselves to doing - gratification through revenge, or repair of the world?

Even our society's worst do not deserve to be treated without regard for their essential quality of humanity. You are nowhere near approaching that level. For the most part no one ever gets what they deserve, anyway. They just get what they get.
 
So, a lot of this probably comes down to your actual world-view and how you perceive good and bad, and what the concepts of justice and dignity invoke in you.

For me, there is nothing that anyone can do that makes them suddenly undeserving of basic human rights. Even murderers and despots and rapists. That isn't about them, it's about how we function as a civilization and what we devote ourselves to doing - gratification through revenge, or repair of the world?

Even our society's worst do not deserve to be treated without regard for their essential quality of humanity. You are nowhere near approaching that level. For the most part no one ever gets what they deserve, anyway. They just get what they get.
I appreciate this a lot. I’ve been really digging deep into myself and I realize that I was being triggered by past memories which led to ALOT of over thinking and gaslighting but I’ve been coping more recently.
I appreciate your words alot. I’ve never done forums before but I’m kinda tearing up at the fact a stranger is giving me advice and helping me. It means alot.
 
Hey, I’m posting this here cause I really want insight on the things that has happened to to me as a child. There are a lot of accounts to go through, so I’ll try and get it out. I had a PTSD relapse recently which caused me to flashback to all of these moments.
For a long time I was sexually assaulted by adults in my life including my uncle who raped me when I was about 12.
My step dad would always punch my ass as a child and due to these things not being the only trauma I was facing (along with homelessness, abusive parents, raising my brother,etc.) my memory feels like a place that’s locked away and so spotty.

I wanted to post this here because I want help and answers.
When I was younger one of my very first memories of sexual experiences was when my cousins were over at my childhood house and they were all humping me and each other I don’t think I could’ve been older than 6. I remember this happening and it kind of set me back a bunch. These people are still incredibly important to me. I’m 19 now and I know one of them was similar in age to me and everyone else was about 2-3gears older than me. I remembered that first and I forgive them. I know they were kids like me. They didn’t know, but none of us have ever really talked about it since. But I forgive them for that stuff I know they didn’t know and reading about CSA and COCSA I know they must’ve picked it up somewhere.

Later in my life I would keep running into similar situations. I remember when I was over at my babysitters, when I had to be the same age as mentioned before, I was in a closet with my babysitters son and he showed me his region. I don’t remember either of us doing anything and his older sister walking into the closet and being like “what are y’all up to?” And nothing happening after that. I don’t remember anything happening like that again but when I think of this I get flashbacks and I feel scared and tense but I’m so worried cause what if I did something? What if I initiated? I don’t ever remember doing either of those but I’m so scared it’s locked away in my memory even though I have no recollection of doing it.

Later on in the 5th grade around that time maybe 4th going into 5th my bsf at the time and I were in a shelter. The both of us got teddy bears and jumped them. We never touched one another and my parents saw us and reprimanded us cause they thought we were having sex. Whenever I remember this I get sick and uncomfortable I feel guilt as though I’m wrong and I get suicidal. The idea of hurting someone makes me feel sick that I caused them harm and irreparable damage as was done to me.

The next incident and last one occurred in hen I was in the 6th grade. I was over at my friends house and she showed me porn. Specifically it was porn that had actors playing as an uncle and child. This made me think that my uncle raping me was “normal”. I remember I started to masturbate. I didn’t know what I was doing and stopped touching myself cause I thought it was awkward and weird. Later on the both of us went to bed. I think this happened another time but I didn’t masturbate cause I thought it hurt and I didn’t like it. I think the introduction of porn is what gave me a porn addiction when I started to get older which I’ve since grown out of and healed. But with my friend I also saw her touch her dog inappropriately. I remember she and I were talking about cat/dog hybrids and she started touching her dog. I remember asking her to stop and making up an excuse cause I thought it was weird and it disturbed me. Especially because animals abuse was something people around me normalized but it made me feel sick to think about. Her and I were also about the same age I think she was a few months older than me but we were in the same grade. I remember opening up to her about what my uncle did to me at some point. Then she went to school and told people I had “fondled” her. This caused me to be suicidal for years, I remember one of my friends asking me if I did and from all that I know; I didn’t. I never remember touching her even when I dig deep even when I’m in the middle of flashbacks and force every memory upon myself just to know every detail I can because I never want to hurt somebody like that.

I’m so scared I hurt people I’m even terrified now that what if I’m hiding something from myself, what if I’m lying to myself, what if I’m an ugly monster undeserving of everything, I feel sick. I just wanted to post this here for any advice or insight?
Low on words tonight but I'm wondering if you've experienced quite significant gaslighting in your life.

The situations you describe that you've been through are where you've not been safe and you've been hurt multiple times... again and again... yet your main worry is whether you've hurt anyone... you don't recall ever hurting anyone... yet you feel like you may have done(no actual evidence) and this is your main concern...

It sounds like there was a lot of shame put on to you in various situations.. and the adults in your life didn't watch out for you or have your back...

Don't mean to come across as hard... just saying my impression from what you've said...

Go gently...
 
Low on words tonight but I'm wondering if you've experienced quite significant gaslighting in your life.

The situations you describe that you've been through are where you've not been safe and you've been hurt multiple times... again and again... yet your main worry is whether you've hurt anyone... you don't recall ever hurting anyone... yet you feel like you may have done(no actual evidence) and this is your main concern...

It sounds like there was a lot of shame put on to you in various situations.. and the adults in your life didn't watch out for you or have your back...

Don't mean to come across as hard... just saying my impression from what you've said...

Go gently...
I think you really hit something in my brain with this. I was always gaslit a lot especially growing up in a religious household. Which I’m not disrespecting religions it just added fuel to the fire.

Ever since these things happened to me as a kid my parents would catch me masturbating , and would say “I was a sexual active kid” and a “sex freak” and things like even though I had no idea what that was, this make me think I might have done something harm others, even if I don’t ever remember harming others. It scares me so much, but I removed my family always being very u comfortably sexually with me from a young age.

I think your comment helped a lot. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately since I posted this. But I truly never remember hurting anyone, but if I did I’m so sorry and I am remorseful. They deserve better and I want them healed and I wish I could go back to protect all the children hurt. It wasn’t fair to anyone, this isn’t fair for anyone to experience. I just want to protect kids and give them a living and flourishing environment. It’s not fair.

But thank you again, your comment has out a lot of things into perspective to me.
 
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I think you really hit something in my brain with this. I was always gaslit a lot especially growing up in a religious household. Which I’m not disrespecting religions it just added fuel to the fire.

Ever since these things happened to me as a kid my parents would catch me masturbating , and would say “I was a sexual active kid” and a “sex freak” and things like even though I had no idea what that was, this make me think I might have done something harm others, even if I don’t ever remember harming others. It scares me so much, but I removed my family always being very u comfortably sexually with me from a young age.

I think your comment helped a lot. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately since I posted this. But I truly never remember hurting anyone, but if I did I’m so sorry and I am remorseful. They deserve better and I want them healed and I wish I could go back to protect all the children hurt. It wasn’t fair to anyone, this isn’t fair for anyone to experience. I just want to protect kids and give them a living and flourishing environment. It’s not fair.

But thank you again, your comment has out a lot of things into perspective to me.
I feel like there may be ALOT to unpack for you with your family and the dynamics you lived in growing up... how certain religious messages (which likely carried alot of shame) got fed to you around sexuality... and it sounds like there was alot of finger pointing in order to keep you/ others in a certain position (powerless) ... which may have led to your sense of being wrong and doing something wrong to others - despite there being no proof of this...

In the way you write its like you NEED to just make sure you declare how bad and hurtful you have likely been to others and to apologise for this... just in case you really did do something... but I don't think you did... and what a clever way to stop someone questioning how they've been treated growing up - by making them so sure they have done something wrong and they ARE something wrong... so they keep on this eternal loop of apologies just in case they are that person...

To me it sounds like the only person abused here was you... and once you see what's happened to you growing up and how these toxic messages have reshaped your brain, the more clarity you can have to move forward with your life... without fear... without shame... without feeling inherently bad...

But I do think there's alot to unpack and you could probably benefit from a therapist if that's possible..

Go gently - you deserve compassion 💜
 
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