OrangesandCashews
New Here
Hey, I’m posting this here cause I really want insight on the things that has happened to to me as a child. There are a lot of accounts to go through, so I’ll try and get it out. I had a PTSD relapse recently which caused me to flashback to all of these moments.
For a long time I was sexually assaulted by adults in my life including my uncle who raped me when I was about 12.
My step dad would always punch my ass as a child and due to these things not being the only trauma I was facing (along with homelessness, abusive parents, raising my brother,etc.) my memory feels like a place that’s locked away and so spotty.
I wanted to post this here because I want help and answers.
When I was younger one of my very first memories of sexual experiences was when my cousins were over at my childhood house and they were all humping me and each other I don’t think I could’ve been older than 6. I remember this happening and it kind of set me back a bunch. These people are still incredibly important to me. I’m 19 now and I know one of them was similar in age to me and everyone else was about 2-3gears older than me. I remembered that first and I forgive them. I know they were kids like me. They didn’t know, but none of us have ever really talked about it since. But I forgive them for that stuff I know they didn’t know and reading about CSA and COCSA I know they must’ve picked it up somewhere.
Later in my life I would keep running into similar situations. I remember when I was over at my babysitters, when I had to be the same age as mentioned before, I was in a closet with my babysitters son and he showed me his region. I don’t remember either of us doing anything and his older sister walking into the closet and being like “what are y’all up to?” And nothing happening after that. I don’t remember anything happening like that again but when I think of this I get flashbacks and I feel scared and tense but I’m so worried cause what if I did something? What if I initiated? I don’t ever remember doing either of those but I’m so scared it’s locked away in my memory even though I have no recollection of doing it.
Later on in the 5th grade around that time maybe 4th going into 5th my bsf at the time and I were in a shelter. The both of us got teddy bears and jumped them. We never touched one another and my parents saw us and reprimanded us cause they thought we were having sex. Whenever I remember this I get sick and uncomfortable I feel guilt as though I’m wrong and I get suicidal. The idea of hurting someone makes me feel sick that I caused them harm and irreparable damage as was done to me.
The next incident and last one occurred in hen I was in the 6th grade. I was over at my friends house and she showed me porn. Specifically it was porn that had actors playing as an uncle and child. This made me think that my uncle raping me was “normal”. I remember I started to masturbate. I didn’t know what I was doing and stopped touching myself cause I thought it was awkward and weird. Later on the both of us went to bed. I think this happened another time but I didn’t masturbate cause I thought it hurt and I didn’t like it. I think the introduction of porn is what gave me a porn addiction when I started to get older which I’ve since grown out of and healed. But with my friend I also saw her touch her dog inappropriately. I remember she and I were talking about cat/dog hybrids and she started touching her dog. I remember asking her to stop and making up an excuse cause I thought it was weird and it disturbed me. Especially because animals abuse was something people around me normalized but it made me feel sick to think about. Her and I were also about the same age I think she was a few months older than me but we were in the same grade. I remember opening up to her about what my uncle did to me at some point. Then she went to school and told people I had “fondled” her. This caused me to be suicidal for years, I remember one of my friends asking me if I did and from all that I know; I didn’t. I never remember touching her even when I dig deep even when I’m in the middle of flashbacks and force every memory upon myself just to know every detail I can because I never want to hurt somebody like that.
I’m so scared I hurt people I’m even terrified now that what if I’m hiding something from myself, what if I’m lying to myself, what if I’m an ugly monster undeserving of everything, I feel sick. I just wanted to post this here for any advice or insight?
For a long time I was sexually assaulted by adults in my life including my uncle who raped me when I was about 12.
My step dad would always punch my ass as a child and due to these things not being the only trauma I was facing (along with homelessness, abusive parents, raising my brother,etc.) my memory feels like a place that’s locked away and so spotty.
I wanted to post this here because I want help and answers.
When I was younger one of my very first memories of sexual experiences was when my cousins were over at my childhood house and they were all humping me and each other I don’t think I could’ve been older than 6. I remember this happening and it kind of set me back a bunch. These people are still incredibly important to me. I’m 19 now and I know one of them was similar in age to me and everyone else was about 2-3gears older than me. I remembered that first and I forgive them. I know they were kids like me. They didn’t know, but none of us have ever really talked about it since. But I forgive them for that stuff I know they didn’t know and reading about CSA and COCSA I know they must’ve picked it up somewhere.
Later in my life I would keep running into similar situations. I remember when I was over at my babysitters, when I had to be the same age as mentioned before, I was in a closet with my babysitters son and he showed me his region. I don’t remember either of us doing anything and his older sister walking into the closet and being like “what are y’all up to?” And nothing happening after that. I don’t remember anything happening like that again but when I think of this I get flashbacks and I feel scared and tense but I’m so worried cause what if I did something? What if I initiated? I don’t ever remember doing either of those but I’m so scared it’s locked away in my memory even though I have no recollection of doing it.
Later on in the 5th grade around that time maybe 4th going into 5th my bsf at the time and I were in a shelter. The both of us got teddy bears and jumped them. We never touched one another and my parents saw us and reprimanded us cause they thought we were having sex. Whenever I remember this I get sick and uncomfortable I feel guilt as though I’m wrong and I get suicidal. The idea of hurting someone makes me feel sick that I caused them harm and irreparable damage as was done to me.
The next incident and last one occurred in hen I was in the 6th grade. I was over at my friends house and she showed me porn. Specifically it was porn that had actors playing as an uncle and child. This made me think that my uncle raping me was “normal”. I remember I started to masturbate. I didn’t know what I was doing and stopped touching myself cause I thought it was awkward and weird. Later on the both of us went to bed. I think this happened another time but I didn’t masturbate cause I thought it hurt and I didn’t like it. I think the introduction of porn is what gave me a porn addiction when I started to get older which I’ve since grown out of and healed. But with my friend I also saw her touch her dog inappropriately. I remember she and I were talking about cat/dog hybrids and she started touching her dog. I remember asking her to stop and making up an excuse cause I thought it was weird and it disturbed me. Especially because animals abuse was something people around me normalized but it made me feel sick to think about. Her and I were also about the same age I think she was a few months older than me but we were in the same grade. I remember opening up to her about what my uncle did to me at some point. Then she went to school and told people I had “fondled” her. This caused me to be suicidal for years, I remember one of my friends asking me if I did and from all that I know; I didn’t. I never remember touching her even when I dig deep even when I’m in the middle of flashbacks and force every memory upon myself just to know every detail I can because I never want to hurt somebody like that.
I’m so scared I hurt people I’m even terrified now that what if I’m hiding something from myself, what if I’m lying to myself, what if I’m an ugly monster undeserving of everything, I feel sick. I just wanted to post this here for any advice or insight?
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