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I’d like to....I’m afraid to. In due time though. Like the memories, the brain will signal when it’s ready. Just have to learn to stop fighting it. Damn that’s hard. I am bewildered and have so much respect for those who have traveled through grief. Perhaps one day.....not yet. In time...

I am also sitting next to you....this is a big challenge for so many of us. That quote at the beginning, very powerful. I fear grief for so many reasons and I too use every skill I know to keep it at bay. It is a dragon or a hungry wolf sitting at my door, I want to let it in but am afraid it...

@Sideways thank you for how you explained your experience to me, it really made sense to me and I also understand things better when analogies are used. This.....completely got thru. Forgive me, but I need to say this and I’m not great at sharing and don’t want to upset anyone, but also...

Oh....didn’t know. Endorphins it is then.

Thanks @Freemartin and @FauxLiz for your input. Figuring out what’s needed at the time the urge arises is something I struggle with. Working the heavy bag has always been a good place for me, but the urge often arises when I don’t have access to those items.....the ice, good. Will try the...

I think so many of us feel pain constantly, whether it’s from tense muscles to aching joints and emotional pain. I don’t know how common it is to become hugely triggered, contain the emotions for a period and then finally have a need to release it. Chime in if you get it.... That’s where I am...

I understand the brain throwing more challenges, harder and faster directly at you. This happens to me too and it brings my fangs and claws out when I can’t maintain quality output and performance, and when I fail.....then it slams me to the ground. I’ve often thought of it as my brain trying...

Thank you @Junebug , @Teamwork , @shimmerz your words and own experiences show me that it's ok what happened. That I just pick myself up, dust off, and go back to try again. If I can't make it into the room next time, that's ok....just push the envelope. As for the being hard on myself bit...

Limbic brain wins again. I wanted to try something to break me out of isolation, to work on maybe trusting humans that “get it”. Socialize with those who’ve been there, done that, walked the path in darkness, but have found each other for support. This forum does that, but it’s wonderfully...

Still wonder why I don't like them.....maybe others can relate or jot down why they don't like them as well? My thoughts: - Random chaos, human movements are erratic and unpredictable, hard to read intentions. - Scanning humans for threats is constant while also trying to locate items...

If anything VAC might be able to point you towards a lawyer in your area that’s sensitive to some of the intricacies of emergency services personnel. Other thing that comes to mind is Wounded Warrior Project - in Canada they just received additional funding that now allows them to support...

Ok. I’m connected with VAC and some other resources that can offer insight that doesn’t seem to be readily available to EMS. In my opinion, your trade needs better support from external partners and I don’t know if that’s improving but from what I’ve seen and heard it’s years behind where it...

@brokenEMT my question may be personal but there’s a point to it and maybe I can help? Send me a personal note if you don’t want to answer here.... Were you BCAS? If not, maybe I can still help with resources you haven’t tried if you’re Cdn.

Also sensing disrespect.

Would it be a thing that Vets from other countries could join in on? Also fully concur......hiking with civvies? No offence intended, but yuck!!!! There is something sacred about the boots on the ground, the slog, the silence, or the comraderie of mutual physical effort. Hard for me to...

Thanks @Still Standing. I agree that using work as coping is avoidance of all the personal stuff I never learned how to do well. I need to learn if I’m to continue to have a relationship, It might be too late though. I struggle with the piece that I’m to blame and have caused the strain on...

I’m gonna try this, putting stuff out there, ask for support when you’re struggling, be ok with the fact that you are having a longer struggle than usual and it involves SI/self harm. The loss of hope is there, the thoughts of if I am not in the picture then the issues are resolved and others...

Same. Right now, don’t know who I am, if I WAS someone, I must be.....just lost target on that piece.

Also can't do eye contact. It's too real, too vulnerable. That other human is actually in the room listening to every word you say. Not something I'm used to, and in order to keep fighting all of it and maybe find a way thru.... I look away and he's ok with that. As long as I keep going.....one...

I’m not used to this....but I’ll try to get my thoughts straight. 1&2 : it really depends on a few things if it will be helpful to argue it’s safe and the reaction is out of context. For me, if I’m SUPER triggered, if someone I trust tells me it’s safe and what I see is not actually a threat -...

Ok. My first thought.....ptsd doesn’t necessarily have to make you an asshole. So even as a sufferer I have trouble with how he treats you.... in my case I turn everything on myself, so I’m sensitive to others being treated poorly. I’ll try to break down some of your examples as they might...

A thread that might shed more light is called “what are they thinking” Might give you a better idea of what’s going on with your guy. But for me @joeylittle said it precisely the way I operate too....

I feel also @Freida, with you. Won’t be able to find words but am with you. Massive trigger from hell for me today. Hard to manage. Lesson from this for supporters (trying here): can’t show you what I feel, very dangerous to me. Must control it at all costs even if pushing you away is best...

Sufferers and Supporters alike. I’m grateful for this thread cuz it helps me make that step away from isolation. Because my SO doesn’t deserve to hurt in silence. None of this is easy, but for the right reasons....it becomes worth it.

Thanks @Sighs. I’m working on understanding ^^ and knowing the guilt my actions would cause someone I care about is simply not acceptable. The difficult part is that when I’m struggling, it’s very hard to see that. I’ve learned from here, and my own experiences that it’s a cycle.....a storm you...