The grief that comes from trauma

[Friday]

Grief is an old friend.

One of the few benefits when all the people you love best keep dying on you. And when you lose everything that makes you you, and life worth living, a time or three. And, yes. Sometimes we have to put all that away, and grieve later, because the dead will still be dead, the lost gone, and if we don’t want to join them or lose others & more, we do this today, and that tomorrow.

This poem has been published in recent years, I first came across it as part of a special needs blog when I was living with my kiddo in the hospital. 58: The Uninvited Guest | Chicken Soup for the Soul It’s probably one of the better descriptions of my own relationship with grief.

 

[ladee]

I still avoid grief. It makes everything that has happened, whether my own life, the life of those I love, the ones no longer with me in life, it makes it too real. Just too real.

I can still feel that knot in my stomach years into recovery when the grief hit like @somerandomguy shared. In waves. Tossing me into the the rocks, adding to the pain.

It became so much bigger than all my new skills , my new plans, my hopes and dreams. I would lie on the floor, in the fetal position, rocking and sobbing until I was exhausted. And thinking 'no more, I can not do this, no more, please'.

I would sometimes be so exhausted I would just sleep where I was, on the floor. It took too much to move. And I was afraid, if I moved, it would start again.

And it would start again. But in the time from the floor to trying to involve myself in my life again, it would blindside me. Hearing innocent child laughter would send me into the abyss. Something I would never know.... innocence.

It was almost impossible to function. I apparently disassociated a lot during that time, or I simply lost my mind for awhile. I don't know. But I did not think or feel I was going to live thru it. It was hitting too hard, too often, and I couldn't seem to catch my breath or have a time without that sadness trying to consume me.

I couldn't stop it. All the tricks I had learned to hide it, bury it, keep it at a distance. Nothing was working. Only hearing my T's voice, the only was is through. It will end. You are not going to die.

And slowly, it didn't knock me to the floor anymore. I started to 'feel my legs' holding me up to get thru it. Everything hurt. My body, my brain, heart and soul. My eyes.

I can not honestly say how long it lasted, it felt like years. Time had lost meaning. But somehow, I was functioning along with those times. I stopped worrying if I was being obvious, or how crazy I might sound. I was lost in the dark, and sometimes had enough light to see that I had made progress, it wasn't as dark as it was.

Then is just became something that was finally healing. I wish I had words for you about this part. I'm sure it's different for everyone. I had no control when it finally started, it didn't matter that I thought I had control, the dam broke.

I have grieved many things and situations and people since then. I wasn't afraid of it anymore. I knew I would make it thru.

I hate it for all of us. To grieve what we never had,or to have it all taken away without our having any power to stop it. It, being our history.

It's hard. But we do it. Each of us , each day, somehow grieve what could have been. And this part, has nothing to do with us being strong or wise. But we do get thru it.

It doesn't always hit in waves. Sometimes it's just a day to day drain and emotional roller coaster. I'm sorry. I know you can do this, however it shows up in your life. And always know, we are here. Doesn't change anything really. But someone is hearing your voice. And it will end.

 

[Mach123]

I'm a little scared about this. I don't think I'm there yet. Because me as a boy I have not dealt with that yet. @Freida said "at the edges." I've only felt the edges of it.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I’d like to....I’m afraid to. In due time though. Like the memories, the brain will signal when it’s ready. Just have to learn to stop fighting it. Damn that’s hard.
I am bewildered and have so much respect for those who have traveled through grief.

Perhaps one day.....not yet. In time.
Followed by a string of profanity

 

[Freida]

I value myself enough now to allow myself to feel sad for myself.

I love this. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I so hope to manage this grief.

I have worked so hard. And I am struggling. I am really, really struggling. It is really hard for me at the moment. I am right over the edge of what is comfortable for me. And it is really hard.

I am being so very brave. I can't tell you how brave hard I am being. But I am scared. I have tears in my eyes. I could cry. The grief came out after I saw a young person with Autism and CP being treated very poorly indeed. It was a very stressful day. I did sob a lot and it really was hard at the time but I feel much better though I could slip back into the grief at any time.

 

[Rani G2]

I have worked so hard. And I am struggling. I am really, really struggling.

Sending support @Living in the 70s

Grief for me is more like

Black hole = No ground to stand on = Nothing to hold on to =No backbone = exposed = defenseless = Weakness. To Not breathe into that weakness I want power so I still want that metal jacket, weapons, muscles, strategies. This is distraction to not feel. Get hard or die tryin.. will step into that in slow motion... whatever that means. I don’t talk with people about my past, if someone asks I pretend to be that tough chic who is a survivor.
I sometimes feel I cannot afford to be grieving.. I don’t understand grief.. but ofcourse I do cry a lot and feel it too... No black No white

 

[KimmyO]

I'm so sorry for your trauma, it is really hard to get thru. I love the CS Lewis quote, btw. It takes time, and we sometimes want to fix it right now. Breathing deep thru it, not shallow breaths can help, like pushing thru pain when exercising. Bare thru it, and do not avoid it. Also, a tool that has helped many is this: Take magnesium malate and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of those sticky negative thoughts. Get outside, breathe in fresh air, lay on grass if possible, it helps ground us. Also, volunteering is great to heal us also. there are valleys that take us back to a low sometimes, but we come out stronger. Also, let go of any guilt, it is disabling. Guard your thoughts, force other thoughts to take place of negative ones, or turn on a good audio book to take your mind off it when you can't stop the neg. thoughts. Blessings to you!

 

[Justmehere]

Someone I knew passed away about a month ago, and when a friend was told about it, he broke down. Myself and others came around him to make sure he had what they needed to get to the funeral. His vulnerable grief led to support.

And it struck me how much I don’t really have that or any support at all. If break with grief, and it’s up to me and all my skills to duck tape all the pieces of life back together, or form something new, once again, and keep on keeping on. I’ve done it so many times, I’m expected to keep doing it, and even the “normal” when-all-other-options-fail safety net supports are not really there.

Reading about everyone struggling with grief helps me not fear the almost-like-fear feeling. @Friday, that story really helped too.

Almost as if on cue, life gave me another reason to grieve. A family member decided to up the losses related to trauma.

Grief rips a big giant tear into what should have been and instead inserts what actually happened. My heart screams out. I’m angry and tired and teary and.... I keep boxing it all up, wrapping emotional duck tape around it, and going numb.

 

[Teasel]

When you're on your own can you feel the grief or do you need to box it up away from yourself as well as others?

Sharing my grief with others is something I'm only beginning to be able to do. I can feel it on my own sometimes. I didn't used to be able to. And am nowhere near where you friend is as far as grieving vulnerably and openly.

 

[Friday]

Grief rips a big giant tear into what should have been and instead inserts what actually happened.

Yes.

 

[Tinyflame]

One of the few benefits when all the people you love best keep dying on you. And when you lose everything that makes you you, and life worth living, a time or three. And, yes. Sometimes we have to put all that away, and grieve later, because the dead will still be dead, the lost gone, and if we don’t want to join them or lose others & more, we do this today, and that tomorrow.

This is my experience also. ^^ I remember reading c.s. Lewis's A Grief Observed, and stopped myself at page 28, because I knew it would send me off the deep end. But I returned, eventually, to read it later. One of the most accurate testaments on grief I've read.

After many many years, grief is neither friend or foe to me (I wish it were). It sort of became part overall of who I am as a person: in good ways in which I value people and the moment more, in bad ways like one looks down at the bottom of a very rocky pit and feels the edge crumbling. But, it is still me, and JMHO, that is what grief is. Something to be acknowledged and experienced, and somehow in it's own time re-integrated in to part of the whole me.

Grief rips a big giant tear into what should have been and instead inserts what actually happened

Wow, yes, ^^ , very well said.

I had been thinking the last few days, that as being happy depends upon me, I do however notice 2 things interfere: nausea, and people I fear, or are really negative towards me in some way.

But grief is sneaky, I think it likes to take away from the 'now', too. A relative and I were talking a few days ago about (me) likely working Christmas, I said there is one day in the year I can't bear to listen to people complain and cause me pain, the day my mom was diagnosed, and it's approaching. Not Christmas; her birthday, or date of her death. That was the day I cried volumes in particular, and also a lot alone. Like you said @Justmehere , what is, not what should be. And on that date, I can't help my mind to 'feel', why did she, who I never saw choose to or want to, ever harm another, and was sweet and vibrant and full of life and vivacious and spicy, and sincerely did not even complain dying, but found beauty and joy, have suffered like that, while I listen to negativity, or even at worst have to battle someone who prefers to harm me? And though I feel she is 'fine', I am angry in a way on her behalf, and my own. The injustice. The waste. The loss.

But, as I say, grief is sneaky, I also say to myself, 'snap out of it, no big deal'. But today I saw something I can maybe replace those thoughts of the day with- hopefully; rewrite it, I hope, and the sheer relief of that to me, is palpable. I am so grateful. It is such a heavy weight to bear. I have to admit it crossed my mind days ago, I have no idea that day 'what' to try to think to make it any easier or more bearable.

It's not easy @Justmehere . :hug: