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Even reading parts of this thread has been too hard for me in the past few days, so I apologise if what I have to say is out of step with the tone or direction of the thread... Yes, I believe my parents hated me, plain and not the least bit simple. I think that someone, I think it was Loner...

I'm sorry to hear this Conquer, I too have nightmares of my childhood on a nightly basis, often just as you describe with panicand extreme mood disruption in the morning, and I completely relate to how draining, distressing and lonely this endless cycle can be. I too began to experience the...

Hashi, I'm all confused about time differences, but please let us know how your upcoming appointment goes, if you want to, ok? Have been thinking of you lots. If I can make one more sad, sweeping, general comment... I think I'm starting to conclude that I don't like what attachment does to me...

Hashi, as I read your last post I wanted to quote each paragraph, until I reached the end and realised I just wanted to quote it all and say "yes, yes, how could you have nailled it so exactly..." And what you added Pencil sealed the deal. I'm sorry - feel dumb and exhausted and know that I...

I think that where you have interrupted or disrupted developmental phases in a child/adolescent's life, at some point those phases are going to need to run their course, and whether it's age appropriate or not by conventional standards, when our brain is in that place, then... it's in that...

Thank you all for receiving my post so well... I actually was very anxious about sending it, as I appear to be regarding everything to do with my relationship with my therapist right now... and in regard to relationships in general... I fear I mightn't really deserve your compliment, Abstract...

Looks like I'll have to have my 3rd round of heart surgery soon, thanks to my father and his love of attacking me with a cattle prod...

I believe that one of the truest statements about dissociation is that it exists on a continuum. I, for example, don't experience what many would consider to be true dissociation. I don't lose time, do not experience any real interruptions in thoughts, consciousness or memory and certainly do...

Yes Hashi, I do understand, and feel so much of what you describe at the moment as well. I think a large contributor to my current very severe depression is a temporary (I hope) loss of the battle for acceptance. I don't want this to be me. I don't want these "issues" to define me, or even to...

Pencil and 91 Girl, your recent posts in this thread have touched a very deep something in me, something I'd like to respond to, but am having trouble bringing myself to really discuss - for a number of reasons. Most who've been on this forum a while know that I have a very strong and healthy...

When i was a very young child, my father taught and forced me to cut myself as a form of shaming torment, and by the time I was 11 or 12, I had begun initiating and engaging in this behaviour of my own accord. Strangely, initiating the very same behaviour he forced me to undertake was a form of...

I know it can seem impossible not to feel shame for all of this Conquer, it would be hypocritical of me to say anything else. But try to tell yourself that feeling ashamed of this illness is just a symptom of it, and it's one you can beat, and you will. Talking to your doctor about a med...

Oh dear, I'm apparently in the minority... I ticked "always", and meant it. I considered not confessing, but given that I've previously outed myself on this forum about this issue, I figured you'd all know I was lying! That's not to say that I don't often feel extreme trepidation and anxiety...

Yes, I know... And you're right. Sometimes coping is all that matters. Welcome to the forum. I hope youfind it safe and supportive here. You can participate as much or as little as you like, so I hope that when you're ready, you'll share whatever you feel like sharing. In the meantime...

I was symptomatic for depression long long before I was symptomatic for PTSD. In fact I have been most likely clinically depressed for my entire adult life, though only diagnosed at age 28, shortly before the PTSD diagnosis. Thesedays the depression ebbs and flows, sometimes in tandem with the...

Wow, there have been some really good, practical, doable suggestions here. I'm sorry Conquer, I relate very much to your current struggle and to all the reasons why the things you"should" do so often aren't the things you "can" do. I think SweetPea gives some exellent advice, and I also like...

I'm not afraid of the dark per se, but I am terribly afraid of the night... Though as Safenow says, I have a strange longing to be outside in the silent emptiness of the night, as though somehow i can hide in the endless darkness, afraid though I am. It's strange, the legacy of horrors I often...

I like the idea of checking out the structured risk assessment and discussing it with my therapist. I'm not normally such a fan of tick-and-flick assessments, but somehow it appeals this time, maybe because I feel I need something objective and clear cut to help me make sense of what seems...

I'm a little anxious to chime in here, because I'm not feeling very articulate right now and I know that the question I want to ask should be phrased carefully and sensitively, and I'm not sure if that will happen... I sort of want to know what I think Awakening is asking too. At what point...

I am in a very, very similar place Awakening. I wish I knew when, or if, it would ever end. I read and think about what I should do, the things that allegedly "work", and I don't dispute them... and yet somehow they aren't ever enduring enough, aren't ever powerful enough, aren't ever...

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right." "I've learned... that I can keep going, even long after I can't."

I agree strongly with Cherryblossom here. It's up to you what, how much and when you share information about your past, and that includes with your partner, your therapist and everyone else. Yes, there is a point at which I believe it is incredibly important and healing to share with safe and...

Hi Fairywings. I'm not in a dating situation, but can certainly relate to your experiences of anxiety and exhaustion in regard to almost every interpersonal interaction I have right now, particularly those of the social variety. I think one thing that can help is to be very strategic about...

Hashi, you've nailed it exactly the way it is for me. Yes, sometimes forcing myself to do things works, and sometimes it makes everything a lot worse and I find myself wondering how I could have been so stupid and unresponsive to my signals as to try, and it's funny that you should so talk...

I'm trying, very carefully, to think a little more about this topic as I revisit this thread... and as always, even the language of describing torture processing is even more foreign and scary to me than the language of trauma processing in general. One thing I am acutely aware of now when it...