Am I At Risk Of Suicide?

[Awakening]

I have constant thoughts of suicide. I think about the best way to do it, that would be effective but cause the least amount of trauma. I research the internet. Panadol etc is ineffective and painful. Car crash could leave me paralysed but not dead. Sometimes I try to suffocate myself by holding a pillow or blanket over my face, but my natural instinct makes me push it off and gasp for air.

Which leaves me with hanging. At first I thought about hanging myself off a toilet hook in the public toilet so my husband wouldn't find me. I could stand on the toilet seat then swing off. But now I think a toilet hook is not going to hold my weight. So everywhere I look I try to find something that would hold me.

Sometimes I get the strap of my handbag or my dressing gown cord and tie it tight around my throat.

At the same time, I would never ever leave my 2 sons. I love them more then anything and could never abandon them (even through death). I'm also aware I don't want to die.

So should I just dismiss the thoughts as thoughts? My love for my sons is so strong I doubt I would take action. But what if this other side of me did take over?

 

[maddog]

I'm a little anxious to chime in here, because I'm not feeling very articulate right now and I know that the question I want to ask should be phrased carefully and sensitively, and I'm not sure if that will happen...

I sort of want to know what I think Awakening is asking too. At what point does ideation become active intention? I do know the difference, understand the definitions, and even understand in my own mind when thoughts become intentions or practical, action-based behaviours.

But when do you really do something about that? I think about it often, plan and replan the best means, have sourced and checked that I could utilise the necessary equipment, contemplated (though not actually written) the contents of a note (when I think I would bother leaving one...)

Sometimes the urges feel physical, like compulsions, like the occasional urges I have to binge eat which require almost physical forms of control to keep me away from the "thing" in question. Sometimes I truly believe I'd do it if I had the physical energy and mental state to organise my thoughts into behaviour.

And then sometimes it's just thoughts again, longings, "what ifs"...

I don't know where I'm at. Maybe that sounds silly, because if I don't know, how can anyone else... but I am alternately despondent, terrified, confused, and extremely extremely lonely and isolated about this.

When does this stuff become critical? When do you do something? How do you know when your self control will continue to prevail, versus when it won't?

I hope this post isn't inappropriate...

Maddog

 

[Awakening]

Exactly Maddog x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think, from my own phone-call to the Samaritans the other day, despite them not wanting to tell me either one way or the other. If you are suicidal, think of hurting yourself, think of suicide, are in a crisis or otherwise not coping, then immediate action is required, in my case I wanted to know if I should go to an inpatient ward despite my fear of it, the answer was yes I should, or I should go to a&e and seek immediate help. If I was hurting myself, I would have been told this immediately and this is only slightly different (according to them).

In my case I've got to a point where despite refusing to kill myself or hurt myself and believing this adamantly, the thoughts of killing myself have gotten louder and I whilst I know I don't want to act on it, it is distressing. I'm also worried of losing control over my emotions and it happening while I was swept away in it all. I'd seen two ways that I kept replaying over and over in my head, one I couldn't do through lack of means, the other I could but would (whilst being incredibly effective) cause more pain. I don't want any more pain, therefore my doubt that any of it would happen was slim. But the protocol remains the same. Something needs to physically change for mental change and in this instance for me, that was possibly going inpatient and seeking medication. Now I'm in part past this (oh the difference a few days make), for now at least, I realise for me this was a massive cry out telling people I'm not Ok. Again this is for me only.

The best thing to think about is what do you want, entirely for you. Not for any single or group of people in your life. What do you want and/or need (it's NOT selfish)? Do you need someone to recognise your struggles, or a new/change in medication, a therapist (if you haven't got one already) or a better one, the stable and supportive environment of an inpatient wing or just to talk about it to realise what's happening in your head to understand yourself better. I'm sure there are other options (but I don't want to focus on the negatives).

I hope you can find some peace from this soon.

AJ
xx

 

[Awakening]

I'm sad others feel the same. But somehow feel strangely comforted that somewhere else in the world I'm not alone.

 

[The Albatross]

I did risk assessments on my own when I was having reoccuring suicidal thoughts... some times a completely random thought, sometimes accompanied by an urge. I found them online and I think some good ones were in the Survivors to Thrivers pdf manual I found online. I brought the material with me to my psychologist, and we discussed my responses.

I was high risk when I came here (became a member) now I am no longer a risk and do not have the thoughts or urges. I liked that material because it had a worksheet for developing an emergency plan. I found some information useful in the manual as well.

Personally, I chose not to dismiss the thoughts and worked through the issues surrounding the suicidal ideation in therapy.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think Awakening, whatever you need to do to ensure you stay safe for your children and family (and for yourself, of course, even if you don't feel like it), is what is appropriate and right for you. I agree with Alby above. I think too- and I have been exactly there- why do we feel it is necessary to wait until the ultimate last moment, wondering (as you and maddog said), if we will have the means to stop? If suicide results when stress and pain are greater than the coping abilities or systems in place then that seems the root of the problem. And for many, depression or even illness contributes, physiologically and psychologically. I think it's very difficult for many of us to think we're "worth it" (getting help).

This may be triggering and I don't want to upset anyone, but one thing that made an impression on me, was that they said people who drown, or couldn't swim, are always found with their arms down, because people instinctively at the time push down as though it was a hard surface, trying to save themself. I thought- how sad (for them). But it made me think they all changed their mind at some level as it were at the last moment, but it was too late. I try to remember that. And of course I don't want to screw up others'/ strangers lives. It has a ripple effect.

I could not have withstood a hospitalization or it's repercussions, but I did tell someone eventually. Thank God they didn't say I 'had' to go. It was wise. But, they did say everyone has to tell someone. Perhaps it's because suicide, or ptsd for that matter, thrives in isolation and lies.

But I do understand, I always remember reading about one of the guys who started Alcoholics Anonymous saying (his words), that at one point he put a mattress outside his window in case he threw himself out of it and couldn't stop himself. Though alcohol wasn't involved in my case- I stayed away from drinking for that reason thinking (recognizing) that if I did it alone it might tip the scales- I certainly relate. It's a horrible feeling.

I think when I really turned a negative corner I did things that were really irrevocable, threw out photos of myself or any one with me in it, gifts from loved ones, deceased or living, and identifying information, gave things away or threw them out that normally would have mattered, etc. I went through a systematic process of (trying to) erase any vestige, memory or evidence I existed, (all in the name of "house cleaning", by the way). So I guess the denial was there- a bad sign. It only occurred to me later, and made me stop and think, if I were just 'house cleaning' why wouldn't I have thrown out the things that didn't matter/ weren't important, first? (I never got to them, by the way).

A positive change was to say it despite the risk of (all of) the consequences. And it's always positive not to take the last step.

But why walk on the edge of the cliff? I think there is hope that things can be addressed, it requires more healing than instantaneous results though. But it really can get better. And yourself and family are worth it. Xo.

 

[maddog]

I like the idea of checking out the structured risk assessment and discussing it with my therapist. I'm not normally such a fan of tick-and-flick assessments, but somehow it appeals this time, maybe because I feel I need something objective and clear cut to help me make sense of what seems impossible to make sense of. Not to mention this will give me something more solid to discuss with T than "I'm having suicidal thoughts... again", which is what feels like the current scenario.

The comment about perhaps changing the physical environment was interesting too. I've been hospitalised twice previously (once pre-planned, once not) and in the latter case a big part of what did help was a kind of circuit breaker effect that yanked me out of the endlessly negative spiralling of my life.

Definitely not an option i want, definitely not something that feels good... but something I know I have to be realistic about too.

I'm sorry so many of us have to ask these questions...

Maddog