Sexual Assault Surviving COCSA. Am I right to be mad at my abuser?

[oubao]

Hello all,

I've been sexually assaulted by my older sibling (5 years difference) when I was 7 to 8 years old. They would pin me to the floor, pretend we were having sex, they would caress my butt when we're outside and would play with how much they could get away with it when the adults weren't looking, they told me sexual and gore stories. They were a teenager and I was just a child, I realized recently it wasn't normal at all. I confessed to my parents recently because I couldn't take it anymore because of suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts. I realize my sibling might have been sexually abused too and I used that in my mind all this time to excuse them but the truth is I am terribly mad. I've been a victim of incest and I doubt myself. I wonder am I right for not forgiving my abuser? Because yes, as much as I wanted to avoid it, I am a victim of incest. It's tough to say, it took me 2 decades to take it all out. But I just can't forgive incest. I just can't. I don't know what I am saying, I am lost. I want nothing to do with my sibling now.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's perfectly acceptable to be angry.
It's perfectly acceptable to want nothing to do with your siblings right now.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing.

I work on internal peace. Being at peace with what happened to me.

But you got to let the anger out and process that before you can get to a state of peace.

 

[Rose White]

Very understandable!

 

[beaneeboo]

What you feel is what you feel. It can't be wrong because feelings are our internal gauge and guide. Anger is very healthy in a situation like this. Holding it in for so long can also contribute to the level of feeling. I hope you have good support to work on it to feel better but listen to that anger and let it guide you to do what you need to do to feel better (keeping it safe of course!)