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You're welcome and it was no problem.Thank you so much. I am going to take your advice and try to get better. I still keep trying to think about it and dig deeper but everything seems blurry. I even told my mom but she said I shouldn't think too much about it but I have always been an over thinker and when I do, I think of different things that might have happened or didn't happen. I work myself up over things a lot, and I am trying to calm myself and focus on the present. Before I even remembered those things I already knew that I wasn't alright psychologically because I have problems functioning in society and I can't tell my parents because I come from a country that doesn't care about mental health. I even tried hinting to my mom that I am not okay but they all thought I was joking. I am not sure if I will be able to find those types of free help lines you mentioned but I will look for one and try to help myself.
Thank you once again.
On regards to overthinking and digging deeper as you put it, it is common to get a bit confused over your emotions and your memories can even be altered by overthinking. But personally, I wrote down my experiences in a book. A funny side tangent, but it was a dorks diary book that I wrote it in, one of the special edition ones that had pages for your own diary at the back, which I've always found a little cringe but funny of 13 year old me. I always had some memory of what happened to me as a child, but I wrote it down when I was realising what happened was considered abuse, as to try and organise my memories and feelings. Organisation of your memories can help you understand the events more clearly, as well as establishing a timeline. For example, I always knew the abuse happened in year 2, and the details of what happened, but I didn't pay attention to the duration or specific dates of the abuse. But when writing my account and therefore having the timeline of events more organised in writing, I know it started in march when I was 6, and ended after I turned 7. The first month was consistent, the rest of the abuse was less consistent (likely a result of spring break disrupting the "schedule" my abuser had) but it continued until I was at least 7, continuing on until early summer although apparently less consistently based on specific memories I have. I get paranoia that my memories are fake, exaggerated, or otherwise false memories, so it used to be quite useful to consult my original account of what happened to sorta reassess my memories. It helped me keep track of my experiences, and to avoid forming false memories. I recently burnt it, as a sorta symbolism to the recent progress I'd made in recovery, and also because it kinda became compulsive to re read it to make sure I wasn't having false memories and that my memory remained consistent (again, I may have OCD, specifically POCD and real OCD, so that passage connects to my OCD symptoms a lot. Re reading it was highly unpleasant, so I burnt it partially to prevent me from engaging in my own self-destructive tendencies.) but at the time when I originally wrote it, I found it useful in understanding the events and emotions in regards to it more clearly, so potentially writing the event down in detail would help? Of course, if it'd be too much for you, you may want to avoid it, but I personally found it useful when I was younger in keeping tabs of my emotions and what I could remember.
Apologies if I rambled. I've drank a bit when going out with friends, and am still a bit tipsy, and while I acknowledge this fact I am still here on this forum anyway lmao, so I may be a bit disorganised in my structure and grammar. I hope you're doing ok. Oh, and RAINN has an international crisis line that is related to rape and sexual abuse, and if you google "international rape crisis line" you should find a w3ebpagethat has multiple international lines for you to call or otherwise contact :)
Also. I'm sorry about the reaction from your mom. I had a similar reaction from my mom throughout the years, she only really took my mental health struggles seriously until after I told her about my COCSA experience, since she assumed it was just hormones. It can be hard to have a guardian who doesn't take your emotions seriously, but I hope you know that there are people who care about you and your emotions. Idk what country you're from so I can't provide specific advice, but I know there are many international mental health services, so if you are struggling I implore you too look into those. I wish you the best.Thank you so much. I am going to take your advice and try to get better. I still keep trying to think about it and dig deeper but everything seems blurry. I even told my mom but she said I shouldn't think too much about it but I have always been an over thinker and when I do, I think of different things that might have happened or didn't happen. I work myself up over things a lot, and I am trying to calm myself and focus on the present. Before I even remembered those things I already knew that I wasn't alright psychologically because I have problems functioning in society and I can't tell my parents because I come from a country that doesn't care about mental health. I even tried hinting to my mom that I am not okay but they all thought I was joking. I am not sure if I will be able to find those types of free help lines you mentioned but I will look for one and try to help myself.
Thank you once again.