I don't know what to do about our neighbors

[EllietheElephant]

Forgive me - I am new, and this is my first post, so apologies if I'm not in the right place. My major symptoms are hypervigilance and panic/anxiety. My downstairs neighbors are putting me through hell, and I don't know what to do.

We live in a pre-war building - the floorboards creak. Quiet hours start at 11pm - they go to sleep at 8:30pm. They complained after they moved in a few times. We bought carpet and rug pads, which sucks for hardwood floors, but we did it. I changed my routine around so that I wouldn't be walking around at night so much (yep, I have insomnia, too). My partner and one of them got in an argument, and it did not go well. I wasn't there, but whatever was said between them escalated things for both of them. This guy starts banging the ceiling. At first, he only does it at night (before quiet hours have started, just to add). I had a startle response to it, but I was handling it. Then, one night, he bangs so hard that the entire floor is shaking and screams "shut the f*ck up" out the window. I had a meltdown - major anxiety attack, completely frozen, feeling like there were cement blocks on my chest and couldn't breathe.

We tried to mediate through another neighbor, and they basically told us to f*ck off. They were away for the summer and just got back. I don't know what set them off (we were both in bed by quiet hours), but yesterday, they banged on the ceiling at 6am so hard that it felt like an earthquake and woke us both up.

I was f*cked up all day. All day. Frozen, riddled with anxiety, hypervigilant, etc. I tried to go talk to them about it - in the morning, the guy lied to my face and said he didn't (there is no chance he didn't - he was sneering as he said it, and the vibration literally woke us up), plus I was half asleep, so I just kept saying "i'm doing my best." I tried to go back at night because I thought maybe I could speak to the other person to tell them that they can voice their displeasure to me any other way, but unless they enjoy torturing rape survivors, they need to stop doing it this way. They have a ring camera. I knocked twice and rang the doorbell - I could hear them inside, and they just let me stand there. I don't talk about what happened to me pretty much ever. It's too hard. So getting up the courage to go say something to them was a lot of energy I didn't have. I realize that it may not make any sense to do so now that I have a little distance, but as much as they shouldn't be doing this anyway, they actually don't realize what they are doing and to whom. They still might not care.

What do I do? They've been reported to management. We're selling our place and moving as soon as we can to get away from them, but that takes time. I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel pretty lost. How do I feel safe in my home when I cannot force myself to shake it off, no matter how hard I try? I hate what it turns me into - just completely frozen and shaking and crying, and it lasts all day. I will take any and all suggestions - I don't know what to do.

Thank you if you've read this far. I am in such a bad place right now.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Welcome, sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

There are in fact people that may enjoy themselves more if they know about your situation. You have tried communicating openly with them, they dont want to.

Unfortunately moving is probably the only fix for you if you can, trying to talk to neighbours sometimes works, sometimes it goes the wrong way.

Someone here will have more experienced advice, but maybe some more ambient noise would help or can you move your bed to a different room?

Other than that, focusing on yourself is probably for the best, what do you need and what can you do to feel better after being startled?

 

[EllietheElephant]

Welcome, sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

There are in fact people that may enjoy themselves more if they know about your situation. You have tried communicating openly with them, they dont want to.

Unfortunately moving is probably the only fix for you if you can, trying to talk to neighbours sometimes works, sometimes it goes the wrong way.

Someone here will have more experienced advice, but maybe some more ambient noise would help or can you move your bed to a different room?

Other than that, focusing on yourself is probably for the best, what do you need and what can you do to feel better after being startled?

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I think the problem is that I have no idea what will make me feel better or what I need in that moment - I'm too gripped with anxiety. We already use white noise - I think the problem is (probably?) the vibration more than the noise. We live in a 1br, so no option really to change rooms (plus, they've banged in both).

We're hopefully going to be showing the place in 2 weeks. We've been getting it ready. But I am filled with dread at home (and frankly, my job is extremely high pressure and filled with secondary trauma, so home needs to be safe). I just wish I had the money to rent in the interim. But I can't afford that and moving.

Thank you for responding. Honestly, it helps to feel like someone listened.

 

[Sues]

I can relate to this! I live in a condo and our previous neighbors would slam their front door so hard it rattled the walls. The door slamming and walls are both huge triggers for me. Our current neighbor has a child that bounces off the walls and runs up and down the stairs creating so much noise.

Not much helps me. I don't feel safe to wear headphones to cancel the noise, because then I wouldn't be able to hear if someone was getting into the house.

I agree with you that our homes need to be a safe place! We need that. I am so glad that you will be moving soon. I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I hear you!

 

[EllietheElephant]

I can relate to this! I live in a condo and our previous neighbors would slam their front door so hard it rattled the walls. The door slamming and walls are both huge triggers for me. Our current neighbor has a child that bounces off the walls and runs up and down the stairs creating so much noise.

Not much helps me. I don't feel safe to wear headphones to cancel the noise, because then I wouldn't be able to hear if someone was getting into the house.

I agree with you that our homes need to be a safe place! We need that. I am so glad that you will be moving soon. I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I hear you!

Thank you - it's nice to know I'm not alone. It helps me feel a little less broken.

I'm sorry about your neighbors - I have a dog (a legit ESA!) who would lose her mind if someone came in unexpectedly, so I have a bit more freedom to wear headphones. But as you clocked, it's the vibrating floor that screws me up more so than even the noise. Funny story - I have had an ESA for years (and I am not joking when I say they have been integral to my recovery and survival, so highly recommend!), but my current one bonded with my partner more than she did with me! She's still a great ESA though, don't get me wrong. I just find it a little funny.

 

[Friday]

Dude. I rent ground floor apts & first floor above retail… because I DGAF about the noises above me (as long as it’s not DV / childabuse) AND like to do freaking carthwheels & 24/7/365 banging about.

If your neighbours give a SERIOUS f*ck about the noises above them? They need to rent top floor. So their gripes are at passing aircraft. Renting a lower floor? EQUALS NOISE.

Because upstairs neighbours are ALWAYS noisy. They just are. Even with Durasom (soundproofing) under the floors, and carpets above to muffle.

You. Are. Not. Housemates. With. Your. Downstairs. Neighbors. If they want silence above them? They need to rent/lease/buy higher. And still won’t get silence, as air traffic really is a gripe of most penthouse owners. But at least they’re shouting at their own ceilings at pilots who will never hear them, rather than being needle-dick the bug-f*cker assholes to people who DO have to suffer their nonsense.

You are not responsible for their poor life choices. Nor for their stupidity.

You’ve gone above and beyond attempting to limit NORMAL noise. If they’re going to be assholes? Rip out the carpets, and dance. Not as a f*ck you, but as an; we tried and you were STILL dicks, so we’re done trying to accommodate eedjits. Make better life choices. Stop blameshifting. We aren’t going to accept responsibility for YOUR choices.

I was f*cked up all day. All day. Frozen, riddled with anxiety, hypervigilant, etc. I tried to go talk to them about it - in the morning, the guy lied to my face and said he didn't (there is no chance he didn't - he was sneering as he said it, and the vibration literally woke us up), plus I was half asleep, so I just kept saying "i'm doing my best."

So you have a history of abuse, and are trying to appease an abuser? Beg forgiveness for things that aren’t your fault?

Life lesson… stop that.

It takes PRACTICE. To actually stop. In myriad situations, home being one of the most tender/vulnerable/exploitable/difficult… so I reeeeeeally wouldn’t recommend starting there… but standing up to bullies, assholes, & abusers in places you never have to return to, much less want to return to. Then places you prefer to return to but have other options. Places you have ascribed as “yours” / your territory. Places that would hurt not to return to. And only laaaaast, at places that are your own personal refuge. Your home. And now? Might be an awesome time for that, or the worst time ever. Only you really know. Even in the best times possible though? It’s still going to me miserable & anxiety wreaking & feel wrong. Wouldn’t it be awesome if doing the “right” thing, also felt good? IME/IMO, it almost never does. Or you wouldn’t need to CHOOSE between right and wrong. The choice itself, being a thing? Means it’s going to suck, 999/1000.

***
Just like people who want SILENCE should reeeeeelly choose living situations without other people? If right now is the worst time ever for conflict & learning new skills? The RELIEF at moving may well be worth it. Seeeeeeeriously. It. Is. Never. Weak. To. Choose. YOU. And make that happen. Your downstairs assholes clearly have life lessons to learn (rent/lease/buy UP)… but???… it is NOT your responsibility to teach them. If it’s easier to move, than to take a deep breath and feel home/peace/sanctuary/excitement? DEFINITELY move. And let them learn their lesson via asshole upstairs neighbors who won’t add carpets & pads, but host parties; or the delightful elderly couple whose grandkids visit 3 times a week, screaming mayhem, & starting at least 2 fires per year for 5 years. You? Do YOU. Do what’s right for YOU. Fawning? Is only right when your life, and the lives of those you love, is on the line. And only FOR AS LONG AS it takes you to escape the murderous bastards. These pricks? Don’t sound murderous. They sound like entitled blameshifting ignorant assholes. Get rid of them. By either no longer giving a f*ck what they want, or by going somewhere soooo much better. YOU do YOU. Stop trying to do them. In whichever way makes the best sense, is the most practical, for YOU.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I like that, @Friday makes some good points.

Can you resecure floorboards, in an old place they would have loosened a lot. Something that once worked for me for general noise was rubber pads on the feet of the bed.

Carpets and rugs help but some thick rubber will absorb a lot more vibrations. Make sure any point of contact the bed has with walls and floors is padded and you will notice a big difference.

I dont know much about ESA dogs, imagine yours bonding with your partner can only be a good thing. More care for you, so you can focus on your recovery journey?

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm loving @Friday 's suggestion of taking up the rugs you put down and dancing! Friday is right: you have done everything you can to accommodate poor sound insulation between the flats and they can't appreciate that. So, why bother?


I am glad they didn't answer the door when you were going to tell them you were a rape survivor. They really really don't sound like they would care one little bit and handing them that information about yourself, I wonder if more problems would follow rather than less?
They don't deserve to know more about you.

This is a them thing and at this point I would stop communicating with them. They aren't going to change. And they don't appreciate that you doing normal things in your own home is not you doing anything wrong. They need to do something different but can't/won't.

This may not at all help with anxiety, and it takes more energy, but do you want to report them to the property management every time they do something antisocial like banging on your floor/their ceiling?

In terms of grounding and feeling better in your home: shifting the responsibility and burden of who has created this situation. Would that help? This is not you. .
And then all the grounding techniques.


I live underneath people, and above a shop. I hear the child cry upstairs, and they put in wooden floors (taking out the carpet), just in time for the toddler to run around in the heavy footed way toddlers do at all times in the early morning and day. But, I choose to not let it bother me. Children be children. Living underneath people comes with living underneath people.
Everything @Friday essentially said.
They made these choices and now blame you for it. They are unreasonable and trying to reason with them is not going to help.

Sorry you live next to assholes.

 

[Dominic]

Forgive me - I am new, and this is my first post, so apologies if I'm not in the right place. My major symptoms are hypervigilance and panic/anxiety. My downstairs neighbors are putting me through hell, and I don't know what to do.

We live in a pre-war building - the floorboards creak. Quiet hours start at 11pm - they go to sleep at 8:30pm. They complained after they moved in a few times. We bought carpet and rug pads, which sucks for hardwood floors, but we did it. I changed my routine around so that I wouldn't be walking around at night so much (yep, I have insomnia, too). My partner and one of them got in an argument, and it did not go well. I wasn't there, but whatever was said between them escalated things for both of them. This guy starts banging the ceiling. At first, he only does it at night (before quiet hours have started, just to add). I had a startle response to it, but I was handling it. Then, one night, he bangs so hard that the entire floor is shaking and screams "shut the f*ck up" out the window. I had a meltdown - major anxiety attack, completely frozen, feeling like there were cement blocks on my chest and couldn't breathe.

We tried to mediate through another neighbor, and they basically told us to f*ck off. They were away for the summer and just got back. I don't know what set them off (we were both in bed by quiet hours), but yesterday, they banged on the ceiling at 6am so hard that it felt like an earthquake and woke us both up.

I was f*cked up all day. All day. Frozen, riddled with anxiety, hypervigilant, etc. I tried to go talk to them about it - in the morning, the guy lied to my face and said he didn't (there is no chance he didn't - he was sneering as he said it, and the vibration literally woke us up), plus I was half asleep, so I just kept saying "i'm doing my best." I tried to go back at night because I thought maybe I could speak to the other person to tell them that they can voice their displeasure to me any other way, but unless they enjoy torturing rape survivors, they need to stop doing it this way. They have a ring camera. I knocked twice and rang the doorbell - I could hear them inside, and they just let me stand there. I don't talk about what happened to me pretty much ever. It's too hard. So getting up the courage to go say something to them was a lot of energy I didn't have. I realize that it may not make any sense to do so now that I have a little distance, but as much as they shouldn't be doing this anyway, they actually don't realize what they are doing and to whom. They still might not care.

What do I do? They've been reported to management. We're selling our place and moving as soon as we can to get away from them, but that takes time. I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel pretty lost. How do I feel safe in my home when I cannot force myself to shake it off, no matter how hard I try? I hate what it turns me into - just completely frozen and shaking and crying, and it lasts all day. I will take any and all suggestions - I don't know what to do.

Thank you if you've read this far. I am in such a bad place right now.

Don't back down, don't run away, or that is exactly what you will be doing the rest of your life You have to take a stand, this is your home and you were there first.
I had a problem with my neighbor, at my previous residence, I simply informed said neighbor of my mental condition and the consequences of triggering me, after that I received zero shit from him. Righteous anger is never wrong . Stand your ground, have the heart of a vakyrie.