I don't know anymore...

[lilac_2007]

I met someone last week, and they were really great. We were getting along so well, and I felt we had a good connection with each other. We had gone out for dinner one night and I told them about what had happened to me because I thought that if I explained rather then them just seeing my panic attacks about it, they would understand.

They reassured me that everything was fine, and that they did understand and would be there to comfort me. We slowly started to get more intimate after awhile. And, I was so grateful they took it slow for the both of us, but then I don't know. I hate that. I hate that I just don't know. They saw blood and just asked, and it's like I was back there. I started crying and rocking back and forth. I know I was freaking out a lot. But I couldn't control it. I could see in their eyes he was scared. In shock. What was I doing? It was just blood, nothing more. But I was back, I could hear his voice, smell his smell.

I took my lorazepam and woke up the next morning to them gone. I felt really low. I carried on with university, as I have too. I wanted to see him, explain, apologise. I am not ruined.

It was too late. I was ruined. He sent me a long message. He wasn't in the right headspace, and he just didn't know. I said we could be friends. He didn't reply.

I feel so alone. So empty. No-one understands the pain and the fear. I just want to be loved but I'm ruined by what he did to me.

 

[Nairobi]

I am very sorry about this, I send you a hug.

 

[Friday]

There’s something called “too much, too soon” that people with trauma histories tend to have a hard time groking… and often flip to the other extreme of “nothing, ever” or “too little, too late”… when they’ve been burned by too much, too soon.

When is the RIGHT time to disclose SERIOUSLY HEAVY things?

No. Simple. Answer.

I know. That sucks. We’re extremists, by nature, those of us with PTSD. All or Nothing. Here’s EVERYTHING, even though I just met you, or NOPE NOTHING! even though I’ve known you for years, and know that you are reliable, trustworthy, etc.

Abusers tend to looooooooove “Here are my broken bits!” whilst healthy people back off. Which makes it even harder, more complicated. As people who respond positively to brutally upfront honesty? Are rarely the people you want to be brutally honest TO. And are wiser to be guarded against. But? You lose people who shy away from half truths, outright lies, and guarded anything.

Shades of grey. And learning experiences. That. Do. Not. Translate. Universally.

Someone ran… because it was too much for them.
Someone else would cling… because they now know how to hurt you.
Someone else would heave a huge sigh of relief… because you’re honest.

You can’t ever know who someone IS, until they show you.

He ran.

He’s not for you.

But him STAYING? Would be fraught with far more danger. Uncertainty. Questions.

 

[lilac_2007]

There’s something called “too much, too soon” that people with trauma histories tend to have a hard time groking… and often flip to the other extreme of “nothing, ever” or “too little, too late”… when they’ve been burned by too much, too soon.

When is the RIGHT time to disclose SERIOUSLY HEAVY things?

No. Simple. Answer.

I know. That sucks. We’re extremists, by nature, those of us with PTSD. All or Nothing. Here’s EVERYTHING, even though I just met you, or NOPE NOTHING! even though I’ve known you for years, and know that you are reliable, trustworthy, etc.

Abusers tend to looooooooove “Here are my broken bits!” whilst healthy people back off. Which makes it even harder, more complicated. As people who respond positively to brutally upfront honesty? Are rarely the people you want to be brutally honest TO. And are wiser to be guarded against.

Shades of grey. And learning experiences. That. Do. Not. Translate. Universally.

Someone ran… because it was too much for them.
Someone else would cling… because they now know how to hurt you.
Someone else would heave a huge sigh of relief… because you’re honest.

You can’t ever know who someone IS, until they show you.

He ran.

He’s not for you.

But him STAYING? Would be fraught with far more danger. Uncertainty. Questions.

What's your best advice then for navigating these things then? Do I let them know a little? not the extreme? What if something similar happens when we get intimate? How can I explain that? What do I do? Keep them at a far forever? I fear this all reinforces this statement I've got lodged in my brain. What he did ruined me. Destroyed whatever I could have had.

 

[Rose White]

What's your best advice then for navigating these things then? Do I let them know a little? not the extreme? What if something similar happens when we get intimate? How can I explain that? What do I do? Keep them at a far forever? I fear this all reinforces this statement I've got lodged in my brain. What he did ruined me. Destroyed whatever I could have had

If only we could make a perfect script and then be saved from the uncertainties of human relationships

My heart goes out to you—it’s so hard trying to have a relationship after surviving whatever it is that brought us to the forum

Can you see how brave you were to even try? And to want to tell? And to be vulnerable in front of him? Even though he couldn’t handle it, all of those things were you situating yourself in your own reality—not contorting to fit someone else’s—and that’s a big deal!

It’s so hard, but it’s not evidence of you being broken in any way. Your abuser was broken—not you. And the fact that you are trying to get better and trying to reach out is evidence that you are functioning as well as you can right now.

Sending gentle care and comfort your way.

 

[Movingforward10]

I met someone last week

I think a lot of your questions can be explored in the context of this ^^.
I.e the time frame.

One week to disclose sexual trauma, have sex, stay over night, and show what being triggered over sex looks like is A LOT. In a very short time scale with someone you don't know very well.

When you think that the beginning bits of relationships are about the best bits: fun, showing the best of ourselves etc. The building the foundations.

Perhaps it means, getting to know them more.
Perhaps it means testing the waters about sexual intimacy.
Perhaps it means taking it more slowly.
And that's where the practice happens.
Perhaps if you knew him better, over a longer period of time, perhaps the trigger would have been less (perhaps it wouldn't have, as I get triggered with my partner of 21 years). But perhaps the foundations of a relationship would be there, over a longer period, to help the other person manage the impact on them of the trigger.