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I do not come here much these days, although I first came to this sight to have a safe anonymous way to cope with what I am dealing with, I still have trouble feeling safe. So I decided to do a majority of my coping on my own. But at this time I am struggling deeply. Starting a new job, abusive...

I have not been here in a while, but I do feel the need to vent. I had e huge fight with my love. We both did and said things that we not nice, but when things escalated he lost control, He did not hit me or anything, but he took all my stuff and car and told me he was leaving me. He also said a...

I have not been going on this site much lately. I am still battling my at times severe symptoms. But I am getting better at it in a lot of ways. I just wanted to let everyone on here know I am fine, I am in the struggle, but I am still surviving.

Today is MMA training they had us stand against the wall and have someone choke us. I freaked (my ex almost killed me by holding me up against the wall and choking me) during the demonstration I felt myself go into panic mode. My mind wondered in and out of flashes of memories, dangling legs...

To sum up the story of me and my sister, we grew up with a single mom, my dad was abusive and molested us both, I protected her from him, when we became teens she got very angry, my mom was depressed so she was not around much. So I took care of her even though she was older, she needed a lot of...

Dear Daniel, I loved you once, I still do, and I do not understand why. I don't understand a lot of things. It has been five years since we were together and the wounds you left can be just as fresh. I struggle with the feelings of betrayal and longing. I fight calling you and being with you. I...

I have been having nightmares and avoiding sleeping, I have been waking up crying, or crying myself to sleep. I am just so tired. I have to take anxiety meds just to calm myself enough to get to sleep. But then I wake up exhausted. My mind is racing, and I can not focus as well on my studies. I...

I just wrote a thread about being stronger, but to be honest that running behind me incident was not easy. I knew it was the guy from class, he seems to like to mess with me. I don't think he is good at reading people and when they are uncomfortable. I heard a couple of loud quick steps, but...

I have been getting much stronger these days. I know the threat is there (my past abuser moving back, he use to threaten me and almost killed my cat) but I can't keep letting it control me. I know at any moment something can happen. The hardest part is knowing that the attack can be anything...

I have summer classes, and I am so frustrated because I can not focus on my readings. I keep reading the same sentence over and over again, and my brain just cannot retain the info. I have an appointment to possibly get on meds, but thats not until two weeks. I am hoping to get something to help...

I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight I have to fight.

So many flashbacks, sadness and shame. I have been reading in on flashbacks and I read that having lots of flashbacks is actually healthy. It shows healing has begun. But it hurt. It hurt. It hurts. It hurts, so much to relive. I want it to stop, that all I want, I just want my brain to stop, to...

So many flashbacks, sadness and shame. I have been reading in on flashbacks and I read that having lots of flashbacks is actually healthy. It shows healing has begun. But it hurt. It hurt. It hurts. It hurts, so much to relive. I want it to stop, that all I want, I just want my brain to stop, to...

As a woman I can not show skin As a Woman I can't speak up As a Woman I can't laugh at mens jokes As a Woman I can not smile As a woman I can not show pride As a woman I am not aloud to express myself sexually As a woman I can not make men laugh As a woman I can't find equality Because if I...

I am not myself today. I do not feel like I am here, I am in a fog, I am so tired. I can't bring myself back. My bf is taking me on a trip to try to help me recover, but I feel so hazie. I just want to come back. I am so tired, but I keep pushing myself. I am sad and I am not exactly sure why. I...

It is so strange because in my MMA class ironically we have been learning so many things that fit my abuse to a T. Today we learned a laying down choke and we used our hands for it, which was strange because we never use our hands to choke in class, I got really nervous but luckily I was...

This past week for some reason a remembered something that I had blocked out for so long. I didn't realized I was triggered at first, I was confused why I was remembering my ex abuse, when I have other abusers to worry about. During my MMA class we learned a choke hold, This one was so...

I lost my job recently and have been desperately looking for another. I got a job interview and was practically hired over the phone. The training just so happened to be in the area my past attacker has been hanging out. I understand its as easy as turning down the job and I wont have to face...

For the past couples of months I have been facing many triggers. A past abuser moved back to my area and I was not feeling comfortable with were he was choosing to hang out. I felt threatened. Anyway the past months have been so hard. But something has changed. I am still facing many triggers...

Its like being trapped inside your own head, you relive, left afraid and confused. It all does not make sense, I just want it to stop. The memories, the panic attacks. It just makes no sense. I just want to be held and told I am safe until I believe it is true.

I am sorry I am sorry I am so very very sorry, I am sorry, I'm sorry I am soo sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry, I just want it to stop, I just wANT IT TO STOP please make it stop, I am so sorry so very...

Everywhere I go I run into triggers. I watch an innocent movie and the girl in it goes through a very very similar attack then I have experience, the actor portrayed the fear well. Idk what to do, I am tired of running into stupid shit that sets me off. I am confused. I also have been avoiding...

When I was around three my mom use to take us to a distant aunts house to be babysat. It was my 5 year old brother and my 4 year old sister that were with me. Anyway this caretaker had three kids too. Two older girls and a son my age. She spanked us all, all the time, yelled and was just plain...

So I have been training in MMA for almost a year. I will be getting certified as an instructor in another year and become advance in kickboxing and earn my blue belt in other styles. I had planned on going to the peacecorps and training others if it could be used. My ultimate life goal is to...

I been thinking a lot lately, and my mind has been wondering into the memories of my past relationship. They are not always bad ones. A quick explanation of our relationship, I was 17 fell in love, notice strange behavior, After moving in about a year in he became abusive after struggling to...