I been thinking a lot lately, and my mind has been wondering into the memories of my past relationship. They are not always bad ones. A quick explanation of our relationship, I was 17 fell in love, notice strange behavior, After moving in about a year in he became abusive after struggling to find work during the 2008 recession. He started getting violent streaks here and there but he was not always violent, we could go months without fighting, He almost killed me twice, gave me clamedia twice, lied, played games with my head, convince me that I gave him an std even though he admitted that he knew I was faithful. I was so stupid.
Anyway after we broke up we were still friends. He kept trying to lure me back with poems and sad stories about how he is lost without me, but I never gave in. I still loved him, I still love him, how sick is that, its been five years and I still feel love in my heart for him.
When we were together he was always looking for an easy way to make a lot of money. I knew this. But one day during finals, I got a call from him from jail. Apparently he had been caught with 7 pounds of weed in his car driving across the US. He was going to face 15 years in the most dangerous prison in the country. I knew he could not handle it, He was 6.7 and full of muscle, but deep down he was too sensitive. I panicked, The thought of him being in such a horrible place was too much for me. I quickly told him what to do, to get a lawyer, and all the other stuff that can help him get off.
Why? You know. I love him, he scared me so badly, I have nightmares, severe trust issues, I treat my current bf as if he were my ex and it breaks his heart. I should be angry and let him receive the punishment to court saw fit. Rarely does the anger of the situation sets in, but when it does I feel the guilty yurning to see my ex's face when he feels helpless because the one he loves has his neck in their hands and is squeezing the life out. But I saved him, the court let him off because of the advice I gave him. How twisted is that.
It was that event that finally gave me the strength to get him out of my life for good. You see I found out he lied to me about the events of his arrest, and he kept calling me for support, instead of his current fiance and son. I can see him trying to pull me back in.
I gave plasma just to keep his unemployed ass fed, they paid 25 dollars for giving plasma and I had to do it several times a month for groceries and bus money to get to work. I know have a needle scar on my arm that people think is from drugs (the only drug I have used is marijuana). Its not, and people think since my ex family is black, that I must have been on crack. Was not true. I can go on and on about how the relationship has scared my life but it will take too long.
I am having trouble understanding my own actions. Why did I save him? Why do I still feel love for him? Why after all that abuse?
Anyway after we broke up we were still friends. He kept trying to lure me back with poems and sad stories about how he is lost without me, but I never gave in. I still loved him, I still love him, how sick is that, its been five years and I still feel love in my heart for him.
When we were together he was always looking for an easy way to make a lot of money. I knew this. But one day during finals, I got a call from him from jail. Apparently he had been caught with 7 pounds of weed in his car driving across the US. He was going to face 15 years in the most dangerous prison in the country. I knew he could not handle it, He was 6.7 and full of muscle, but deep down he was too sensitive. I panicked, The thought of him being in such a horrible place was too much for me. I quickly told him what to do, to get a lawyer, and all the other stuff that can help him get off.
Why? You know. I love him, he scared me so badly, I have nightmares, severe trust issues, I treat my current bf as if he were my ex and it breaks his heart. I should be angry and let him receive the punishment to court saw fit. Rarely does the anger of the situation sets in, but when it does I feel the guilty yurning to see my ex's face when he feels helpless because the one he loves has his neck in their hands and is squeezing the life out. But I saved him, the court let him off because of the advice I gave him. How twisted is that.
It was that event that finally gave me the strength to get him out of my life for good. You see I found out he lied to me about the events of his arrest, and he kept calling me for support, instead of his current fiance and son. I can see him trying to pull me back in.
I gave plasma just to keep his unemployed ass fed, they paid 25 dollars for giving plasma and I had to do it several times a month for groceries and bus money to get to work. I know have a needle scar on my arm that people think is from drugs (the only drug I have used is marijuana). Its not, and people think since my ex family is black, that I must have been on crack. Was not true. I can go on and on about how the relationship has scared my life but it will take too long.
I am having trouble understanding my own actions. Why did I save him? Why do I still feel love for him? Why after all that abuse?
