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I haven't posted in a very long time. I feel like I've had a handle on my reactions to stressors, enough to get me through the day. But something I've been struggling with for years now is having to live part time with a stepson who is now almost grown but still in college who basically despises...

I totally relate to what you're saying. I recently went through a period in which I worked very hard on the impact of parentification. In a way, it's worse than the abuse itself because the kind of self abuse that results from the internal parent can be lifelong and since it's inside you, you...

I haven't posted in a while. I came back to lurk, but wanted to respond to your post. You have some great perspectives here. I just wanted to tell you how much I identified with your flooding. It's hard to be rational when you're flooded. I'm skeptical that things are as bad as my traumatized...

I'm going through a period of being triggered and I do feel that is was caused by stuff coming to the surface (which is good). But the experience of it is hard because it feels so bad and I don't want to experience the hurt, shame, and anger. But I'm trying to remember that I have never...

I haven't posted in a long time. I hope I can have some feedback about my current struggle. I am feeling really angry and resentful at someone in my life who I can't simply walk away from or ignore (not someone from my immediate family). It's actually a part of a pattern: Person X (could be a...

I think these are great suggestions, and I think reparenting is key. I wanted to add an insight that I got from van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score: he believes that cptsd folks survive by keeping the parts of us that feel bad, ugly, stupid, shameful from surfacing. If they did surface, they...

I like the definition that loneliness is a lack of connection. I wanted to add my experience with loneliness as being about something missing inside. I remember feeling really lonely soon after my divorce a dozen years ago, especially when I was around or even passed by a couple or family. Even...

I think witnessing your child have problems is even more stressful than going through problems yourself. You see them make bad choices, have no control over that, but have to accept the fall out from them and see your child suffer unnecessarily. At least when it comes to my own choices, I feel...

I had the same dynamic in my family - my older brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. I related to this: When I visit him and his wife, they don't ask me how I am, or anything about my life. They don't even offer me a snack or any but the barest hospitality. To me, it's just the...

Thanks @Roland and @arfie. Those are grounded perspectives and good advice. I feel like 17 is old enough to know right and wrong. His therapist told his mom and dad, that they needed to crack down and enforce boundaries, so they definitely need to teach it to him, and he needs to learn. I'm...

I feel like I'm being a bad human being. I cannot warm up to my boyfriend's son who is 17. His mom is kind of a wreck, so I try to be sympathetic. But there has been a few incidents that have left a mark on our relationship - we're very different people in general, but he also takes money from...

Hi @OliveJewel. If I remember correctly, the doctor said narcissists cope by splitting from an early age, which is responsible for black and white thinking. The parent is unreliable, so I am going to count on me and me only. I am good and the other is bad. I cannot be bad, so if I feel bad, I...

@OliveJewel, that is so revealing that your first username was "searching for self". I think a lot of us can identify with that moniker. I just want to express appreciation for your reposting some apt points and for reflecting on them further. I'm glad you found the points worth some further...

In the first month or so of my dating my current bf, there was one night that he came on real strong. At that point I wasn't ready, and I reacted pretty badly and thought about ending things. I went about a week with minimal contact, but decided to give him another chance. Since then, I've...

I think that's right. I'm lately aware that pain and hurt are at the core of a lot of destructive behaviors. But when we experience hurt, we feel like the victims, and that prevents us from seeing the harm that we cause others while we are acting to alleviate that hurt. I think healing is the...

That's a great teaching technique. I guess all memory is somewhat bodily. By the way, I'm sorry to hear about your past as a child prostitute. Unfortunately, we can't eradicate our memories, but like you said, neither would you want to get rid of the gems.

That's right. That's another thing that I can relate to that van der Kolk talks about - the fragmentation of the re-experience. There's no cohesion or narrative to make sense of the experience, just shattered bits and pieces. I don't know if you ever saw the movie "Get Out" by Jordan Peele, but...

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses. First of all, it's just nice knowing that I'm not the only one this is happening to. This is why this forum is so helpful - friends and family do not necessarily understand any of this, and it would be hard to convey the experience to someone who do not...

Thanks @Rosebud. So trust and stop. I do think I've healed a lot from having my boyfriend give me what I need in this, concrete reality. That goes a long way in refuting the alternate reality inside. Usually the best I can do when I'm triggered is to refrain from acting on my traumatized-tinted...

Thanks @StillPen. Exactly: Even after thinking that I had become aware of and dealt with the internal dimensions of "reality" when I'm triggered, I'm finding new, more subtle layers. I'm finding that the timeless aspect of the re-experience is a huge obstacle for me. It closes me off from all...

In Body Keeps the Score, van der Kolk describes the re-experience of trauma as being timeless. If I remember correctly, when we're triggered, our amydyla is activated, and it can only experience the immediacy of the present and become activated to fight or flight. It has no history or sense of...

I once went over to my bf's place (we had been together for a year at that point) in order to break up with him. I was convinced he had been online dating again. I had proof that was watertight and without question. I started out being fake nice, so that I could cooly and calmly confront him and...

Thanks @brat17. I do try to let him experience hurt and failure and learn from them. I have tried to talk to him about his feelings. I read tons of parenting books and feel that I have a lot of tools in the tool box in terms of different philosophies and psychological studies. How much or how...

Anybody else hyper-protective of their kid(s) because of childhood abuse? My son, who's a late teen, has special needs also, so often it feels like I need to go the extra mile, but I don't think that really justifies how intense I can be about helping and protecting him. I don't think it's all...

Thanks @sleeveheart. I just wanted to mention too that my current bf wooed me for two months before I was ready to be intimate. He admitted that he would have waited longer if he had to. Someone who sees something in you will stick around. My MO is if you don't want to wait, there's the door...