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I have had this experience for sure. I think what you are going through could be a normal attachment anxiety pattern. Having a stable attachment can be a foreign experience and old fears will creep in. I speak every session about this fear and it helps. And my therapist knows each session we...

I haven't written as I haven't felt the need. EMDR is making things better-not as quick as I want. Terrifying original imprint of my birth trauma is slowly being rewired. I remember reading Janov's The Primal Scream when I was 22. I recognized myself. It was a reawakening of terror and knowing...

Those deep protective mechanisms of our system not to experience pain puts things in my head. Addiction, not doing things that are good for me. I'm constantly having to relearn and fight the triggers-only now through EMDR therapy am I uncovering the hurt and rewiring. That primal brain is all...

Fighting against overwhelming grief that things could, and should, have been so much different. Letting the hollowness and terror in so I can fully heal and be able to experience the good I have had and have. The trauma of being hurt and abandoned and nearly leaving the body, (nearly dying I...

Day 42 Missed a few days writing. One of the worst aspects of CPTSD is wasted time and potential. Also just not knowing who or what the hell I am. The more I uncover and reprocess, the easier it gets though. The space between stimulus and response gets bigger and less fraught. But my life...

In my experience trauma recovery involves a lot of grief and mourning about what might have been, the parts of us we lost of ourselves too. Part of the grieving can bring those parts back, breathe new life into them as it were. But the pain has to be reprocessed I think, and that is not great...

Congratulations. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the next chapter and continuing to recover.

Day 39 When I wake up and use my emdr bilateral machine my day starts much better. Still those core beliefs that I have to suffer mean I don’t do it some days, as if I don’t deserve to have it so easy by doing something that helps me, that I have to plunge into the chaos of the day. Just...

Day 38- tired and overwhelmed. Vacation was good but so many thoughts and disassociations and also realizing how difficult it has been over the decades to be me. How much I've missed out on and how much I've been in a stupor, fearful and confused. I hope I sleep better tonight. D~

A good therapist will recognize and grasp the 'schematics' of your issues and will let you go at your own pace. For me, it was also finding someone who was well versed in attachment theory and who was also open to a meaningful human relationship within the boundaries of a professional and...

Day 29-37 A nice week away and then back to work. Good to feel different on vacation after all the EMDR treatment. Occasional triggers and potential overwhelm but on the whole was a relaxing time and I could be much more present and good company! Looking forward to ploughing on with therapy...

Day 28 Vacation time tomorrow. I need it. Looking forward to the seaside. D~

Day 27 Memories and sensations return to me. Some good, some bad. I like being able to re-process and re-experience good times and see myself from a different angle. Like I'm able to enjoy things that happened that I could not enjoy at the time because my brain was firing off like bonfire...

Day 26 Negative core beliefs are terrible. Will take a long time to reprocess and make sense of D~

Day 24-25 Is it ok to feel positive? To feel like I've done so much work and therapy that I know the effects of CPTSD are receding, and although things are far from finished, I'm confident that after all these years I can find peace? Is this a survivor's guilt that is permeating and trying to...

You’re welcome. I saw it on a CPTSD Foundation site. I like how it’s written and I feel they’re talking right at me lol. I agree-I take my time with it all or I could end up ordering lots of books and reading none. I’m getting a lot out of working through it, especially alongside EMDR.

I know I discovered then idea of false self through Alice Miller’s book ‘The Drama of being a child. ‘ I read it when I was 22 and it tore me to pieces re-experiencing and thinking about all the processes I’d undergone to make this false self out if necessity. It’s taken ages and sporadic...

I have also found this book helpful. There are a lot if resources out there. It goes without saying that that in itself can be paralyzingly overwhelming.

Hello. CPTSD is international for sure. This is a nice community. Hopefully you will find some help and solace from being here. 🌟 Bienvenue

Day 23 Such a mess. The more I uncover the more I realize how damaged I am. How I retreated to fantasy land and have lead a false self life. Each bit of EMDR and self EMDR and other healing process reveals situations and memories. I think I suffered more random everyday threats and slaps...

Day 21-22 Missed yesterday. No reason. Been recovering from UTI. My first ever one. Probably a result of delayed reaction to prostate biopsy. Infection was the biggest risk. It’s been a weird three months. Physically I’ve felt fit and strong. I’m 56 and take care of myself. I’ve never had a...

Day 20 Woke up and immediately put on my device with the bilateral buzzers. Good start. I have to do this each day. And also stand up out of bed. If I stay down too long I think the incubator trauma takes over at both a powerful and subtle level that I dissociate and become lost in empty...

Welcome 🌟

Day 19 or 20? If I don’t start my day with my neurotek bilateral stimulation the day stalls or is more difficult. And I forget how ‘easy’ it is to lower my stress and center myself using it. The core belief that things have to be difficult overrides this self care and beneficial act. Uggh...

I’ve found EMDR with a good therapists who focus solely on trauma work very effective. Especially those who understand early attachment issues. I’ve been fortunate to find a couple of good ones over the years who I’ve felt have grasped the nature of my specific issues and have been open to a...