Recovery Trauma Diary

[DSkyler]

Day 26

Negative core beliefs are terrible. Will take a long time to reprocess and make sense of

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 27

Memories and sensations return to me. Some good, some bad. I like being able to re-process and re-experience good times and see myself from a different angle. Like I'm able to enjoy things that happened that I could not enjoy at the time because my brain was firing off like bonfire night.

Feeling safer in my body and memories is a peaceful feeling. I can notice more when uncomfortable or anxiety inducing sensations emerge and try to head them off. It's not easy. Sometimes I feel sick and overwhelmed with the amount of wasted time then feel bad for still thinking those things instead of getting on and using what time I have productively.

Things are getting better. There are backward steps. But the trend is forward and easier. That is what I can focus on. They are my thoughts and my feelings and my body and mine to do what I want with.

Those core beliefs of not feeling deserving of recovery or guilt about finding peace and happiness can bind me to negative self talk. Release me. From the burden I dd not ask for.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 28

Vacation time tomorrow. I need it. Looking forward to the seaside.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 29-37

A nice week away and then back to work. Good to feel different on vacation after all the EMDR treatment. Occasional triggers and potential overwhelm but on the whole was a relaxing time and I could be much more present and good company!

Looking forward to ploughing on with therapy and to keep rewiring and reprocessing.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 38-

tired and overwhelmed. Vacation was good but so many thoughts and disassociations and also realizing how difficult it has been over the decades to be me. How much I've missed out on and how much I've been in a stupor, fearful and confused.

I hope I sleep better tonight.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 39

When I wake up and use my emdr bilateral machine my day starts much better. Still those core beliefs that I have to suffer mean I don’t do it some days, as if I don’t deserve to have it so easy by doing something that helps me, that I have to plunge into the chaos of the day.

Just turn it on. Get into one of those micro atomic habits that change your life bit by bit.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 42

Missed a few days writing. One of the worst aspects of CPTSD is wasted time and potential. Also just not knowing who or what the hell I am.

The more I uncover and reprocess, the easier it gets though.

The space between stimulus and response gets bigger and less fraught. But my life and personality is based on a haywire limbic system. So who on earth am I?

The person I want to be I guess. And just as I remove behaviours and responses, they have to be replaced with other things or they could creep back in.

I wish the process of reprogramming was swifter. But it is quick enough I guess

D~

 

[DSkyler]

I haven't written as I haven't felt the need. EMDR is making things better-not as quick as I want. Terrifying original imprint of my birth trauma is slowly being rewired.

I remember reading Janov's The Primal Scream when I was 22. I recognized myself. It was a reawakening of terror and knowing I had been broken. At the same time I read Alice Miller's The Drama of Being a Child. Two books that both helped and overwhelmed. For the first time I had recognized my true self and knew I was an abused child. I had never thought of myself in those terms before. I can't believe that was 34 years ago. I've had some successes but many backward and more frozen years.

Trying to find more compassion for myself without being flooded with the overwhelm of how much time has been wasted simply in pain or avoiding pain or intrusive memories or jealousy and despising the world and this who seem happy.

D~