2 Of Me?

[Hypothermia2012]

i need help. I've recently noticed that it's almost like 2 different people are living in my body. There is ME, who is very anxious, has frequent flashbacks, and hates social interaction. Then there is "other me" I've named her violet. She is outgoing, spontaneous , she smokes pot, drives to fast and likes to dress very edgy. I have no idea what is happening to me. I feel insane. I brought it up to my psychiatrist, and he said we will talk more about it next session (2 weeks ). But he said it sound like another PTSD symptom. Can someone who has experienced this please tell me what's happening.

 

[HoosierGal]

I often get this feeling. I'm not sure if I get it exactly how you described. I feel I have a "me" who is very put-together, confident, adventerous, fun-loving, rational, calm etc. and a me who is anxious, depressed, and riddled with PTSD symptoms. Because I am always conscious, aware of myself no matter which "me" is present, I doubt I have anything like Disasociative Identiy Disorder (or DID).

Here's what I think, at least about myself. I think that the non-PTSD "me" is the REAL me. The one who I would truly have been fully had I not been traumatized repeatedly as a child. The other me is who I become when the PTSD takes over. As in your case, this truly does feel like I have two selves of mes inside of me.

Hope this helps a little bit.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, it sounds to me like you have a conscious awareness of the 'other me'. This is pretty normal for a traumatized person to have a visible 'system'. One that was built to deal with the undealwithable. There are posts out there on Structural Dissociation that may help you.

As far as understanding it? Most of my life I realized there were different iterations of 'ME'. One was my mother'ME, another my business'ME, another my friend'ME. etc. There was a common strain through all of my ME's (awareness). The biggest thing was my acceptance that my work'ME needed different skills than my friend'ME, Work'ME needed different skills than mother'ME. Even in the non-PTSD world.

 

[Hypothermia2012]

Thank you for your responses! While I am aware that it happens, I have no recollection of certain things that happen while I'm violet. Such as conversations, how I ended up in places, or how I got into certain clothing. It really concerns me as I know violet is reckless. Hopefully my psychiatrist will give me some tools to help gain some control.

 

[HoosierGal]

What you're describing sounds like dissociation. Only a professional could help diagnose something like associative identity disorder (once called multiple personality disorder), but you're right to mention this to your therapist. If you feel you have another personality living in you, and doing things that you have no memory of, then you certainly need to find a way to handle this in your life - especially for your own safety. I know this can't be easy, but you're doing the right things by asking for help. Hugs!

 

[Born to Run]

Because I am always conscious, aware of myself no matter which "me" is present, I doubt I have anything like Disasociative Identiy Disorder (or DID).

Everyone who structurally dissociates -or has fragmented parts- is somewhere on the scale of DID. In the past the term multiple identity disorder was what is now called DID, but to me it is confusing. The old term referred to a person with multiple identities or alters, which is the extreme on the scale of DID, still now everyone who dissociates is somewhere on the scale of DID while the mechanism is the same, the outcome is slightly different -fragmented parts vs alters-.

I think that the non-PTSD "me" is the REAL me. The one who I would truly have been

This is what I used to think about myself too, but it is not the complete truth. Complex ptsd is so intertwined with your identity that there is a lot of fake stuff in what you think to be the real you today. At least that is how I experience it currently. After going in the depths of the trauma, now surfacing, I see that my old strong identity, was part true, part fake, and part I have no clue who I am.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes I too have this phenomena. My PTSD is crippling my life is one half of my functioning both mentally & physically with the only light at the end of the dark tunnel being a freight train.

But the other side is a highly competent person with God given talents who can deal with my making rational decisions, plan my future - the list of possibilities more than just pie in sky dreams, rather achievable goals I can succeed in.

I am totally aware of my two halves & I fight the destructive PTSD side so the other side can find its feet & not win the war. I keep a diary, handwritten on what I have done, achieved or vice versa.Sometimes it's only two words like 'Did nothing' 'Suicide' when in the grip of my PTSD symptoms, but my diary when my better side comes out of the darkkness is full of notations of what I did do towards my goals to make a better life for myself & my sons & numerous short term & long term goals.

I am aware of these two halves without the diary but in moments of utter despair I sometimes, but rarely, look back at what the other side of me did, or how I managed those little but important milestones. It can at times reassure me I have done things to just stay alive & has veered me away from self destructive behaviour like not eating for days because the wrong part of me convinces me I don't need or want to eat.

What mostly it does is remind me that the war is still raging & though some battles were lost, there are others I have won.

It is not good day/bad day stuff like normal ppl experience. It is very real & distinct. I am glad you are aware of the two halves that is an indication that Violet IMHO is not winning the war. But how to control or eliminate her is a very good psychiatrist's field of expertise.

My only very humble suggestion are 1) continually plan ahead so Vilot doesn't find the opportunity to take your other side away & Vilot doesn't win. 2) Depending on your living arrangement put Violets usual clothes or other paraphernalia in a locked chest within which is a letter to Vilot which can tell her (in your own words) No. Stop... Etc which will at least try & give the other you to step in & tell Violat that she is not welcome... (However you want to say it) & a short term immediate thing that your other side may jolt you back from Vilot. It has to be something so immediate that you know Vilot will respond to. I cannot tell what this might be but in my case it is hard physical exercise clearing Declared bush. Or, ring my mental health case worker.

My very best wishes, may you end Vilot pillaging & sabotaging your life.

 

[Hypothermia2012]

Thank you everyone for your amazing responses. I will work very hard at keeping violet under control. I feel like she is the reckless teen/child I never got to be. But the actual "me" is the damaged adult with PTSD fighting a internal battle every day. I will admit , it is extremely freeing to hear of things violet has done, but at the same time, I want full control. again thank you everyone! Hugs to you all

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I relate to this so much. Winning awards and excelling internationally in my field, but sticking my head in the oven when I'm overwhelmed. I have trouble understanding how these two incredibly different parts of me are part of the same person,

I wonder if naming this part had made you more worried about it existing - what if you reframe it to just be "a part of me"?

 

[Crow]

The thing I've learned that has helped integrate the more rebellious parts is while I'm fully 'me' I talk to the other parts. Sometimes it feels like there's very little coconsciousness but still, the periods of me not remembering have nearly disappeared. I kinda think every part has a positive purpose. I mean this all comes from incredible survival instincts. So building a safe nurturing relationship helps blend everything together into wholeness.

Hope that makes a little sense.

 

[Kailani]

I have a dissociative PTSD; depersonalize and it feels like someone else is in me like a friend or an abusive person sometimes. It is very very horrifically scary at first but now I'm used to it. It occurs in extreme stress and subsides with distraction and grounding and it seems different from parts. I believe it's a form of dissociation. Glad you have a therapist to talk about this. I go through names too but the VA advices people to call it "it".

 

[Ellabella44]

I went through this too. Like @CrowFeather I talked to them and learned to integrate a bit. I started out giving them something to wear or have that meant something to them. That there can be more of these good things if we work together.