Relationship 2 partners who trigger each other

[PhoenixRise]

I was diagnosed in the past with acute adjustment disorder. I still have problems with anxiety and depression but I have learned many techniques in caring for myself that help me cope. I am not sure, but I believe my partner may have ptsd. He saw active duty combat and also had a severely unstable childhood. He has so many of the symptoms as well. When we are both tired and not taking care of ourselves, we argue, and it has taken its toll on the relationship. I believe that we trigger each other and have a hard time getting unstuck from that place. I love him very much and do not want to give up, but he is currently at the place of giving up on us. Just last week we were talking again about getting married, so I honestly believe that he does not want to give up, but he is just currently unable to process his emotions, and they are overwhelming him. When he gets into his negative loop I become more frustrated which triggers me, and on and on it goes. I asked him for the first time last night if he had ever been diagnosed with ptsd, but he did not want to talk about it. He was shaking uncontrollably on the couch. I am so worried about him. I want him to get help, to be happy. I want to repair our relationship as well but I just don't know how to start. I feel like if we both acknowledged our triggers and came up with a plan we could both get so much better, but every time I try to bring up even things like deep breathing or meditation or yoga, he just keeps saying that nothing will help him, even though we have done yoga and meditation together before. It's like he's a totally different person, and completely stuck there. I have no idea what to do.

 

[lithasblot]

I wish I had good advice for you, but I don't. My sweetie and I are stuck in the same place. We had an argument 2 weeks ago--both triggered each other-- and we haven't talked since. We are in couples counseling though, so that helps.

The only thing that keeps me going is the following:
-she's in individual therapy and so am I.
-neither of uses substances.
-we are each interested in personal growth & development.
-we still have plans to go to couples counseling, even though during these two weeks she canceled two appointments. I think it's been too overwhelming for her.

What's helped me is a lot of reading/psycheducation about trauma/CPTSD. In the process of learning about her, I came to realize that I have my own trauma, even though it's different from hers.

Here are some resources that have helped me make sense of it, even though it's not completely better yet:
-This forum and the one at Out of the Storm, for CPTSD. Helpful for me to see her behaviors (and mine) as rooted in a biological response to trauma and not willful. Don't read anything about Personality Disorders (in my opinion). It's depressing and will make you feel like the situation is hopeless.
-The High Conflict Couple (book)
-The Smart Couple podcast - so helpful for normalizing the physiological stress response that happens in many couples, not just those with partners with trauma histories. I love this podcast.
-Anything by Brene Brown. Particularly her work on shame. Read her books or watch her talks on YouTube.
-Read about Emotionally Focused Couples therapy and how it works. See if you can find a couples therapist who does this modality or read Sue Johnson's books.
-Read Stan Tatkin about attachment styles.

Anyway, I hope this gives you a little bit to chew on. I am right there with you.