btmsearlNH
New Here
Hello again. I posted on this site for the first time yesterday. Just a recap: I am suffering effects from a car accident 2 months ago. I had a pretty bad head injury and still have symptoms of post-concussion syndrome. I have good days and bad. Today was a bad day. Besides the whiplash injury I am being treated for, I have completely healed physically, so I should be doing more around the house to help out my wife who works full time and then comes home tired and needing rest. Today I found myself laying on the couch all day long. I just laid there all day staring at the tv. My son would come up to me, needing this or that. Besides getting him food, drinks and changing his diaper a few times, I basically ignored him. I didn't want to. I know he needs interaction, but I found his neediness to be an annoyance today. I would try to watch tv and found myself constantly telling him to be quiet so I could hear it when all he wanted to do was play. I know I shouldn't be that way, but I haven't been myself since the accident and find that it's really taking control over my life.
Before the accident, I would always be outdoors on nice days, taking my son fishing or just going out to play. Now, it's like a chore and I feel awful about it. It's not how I like to be and not who I truly am. My son is at an age (3) where he needs interaction and needs to be taught things. I just don't feel like I have the energy or desire to do it. My doctors have me on an anti-depressant (amitriptylin) that is supposed to help with the headaches and to help me to find a little peace and get the sleep I need at night. I'm not sure they are doing anything. They've upped my dosage, but I don't see any effect. I'm not sure what to do to change things and feel like myself again. I know from reading others' posts on here that I'm not alone in feeling depressed and not feeling normal, but at the same time, I am feeling ashamed at my own behavior. I know I can do better, but I just don't know how. Am I just being lazy? Am I just giving up and giving in? I want to know that I am doing all I can to get my life back and get back the good father-son relationship I had. My son is constantly telling me he's sorry. I'll ask him why and he says it's because he broke the car. He somehow feels responsible for the accident.
He looks at the scars on my head and says he is sorry for the "boo-boos". It breaks my heart to think he's feeling guilty for something caused by the carelessness of another person. I also find myself constantly apologizing to him and my wife when I snap ant them or get easily annoyed. I know it's not their fault. I know that. I just react and then immediately realize that I'm taking out my frustration on those around me. It's never physical, thank God. I'm not even close to having anything like that happen, but words can be just as hurtful and for that I am ashamed at what's become of me. It's been just over 2 months since the accident, and I've been told it just takes time to get over things and it takes time for my brain to heal from the concussion. In the meantime, those around me are suffering as I am and it's not fair to any of us.
I spent some time online last night looking for local counselers to help me. Just looking at the websites made the tears pour from my eyes. I don't know why. I think it was that I have finally come to the realization that I need help. It's an overwhelming sense of shame and helplessness that I've never felt before. I know that the people around me are not ashamed of me and don't think of getting treatment as a weakness, but I do. I know that sounds stupid, but I've always dealt with things myself and thought I could handle anything that life threw at me. Losing my parents, my best friend, and my first born child who died at birth, my daughter, all before I even reached 30 was tough, but even then I didn't seek help. I did a lot of praying, as I am a Christian, but that doesn't take all the pain away. My relationship with God helped me try to find the positive things that come out of such tragedy. But with this, I can't find anything good to come out of it. I'm out of work because of it. I'm a different person because of it. I'm the guy who doesn't cry, but find myself crying all the time. I don't know if it's the fact that this time it was me who nearly died, or that my son could have been killed or what. I just know that it's all piling up on me and the weight of all this stress is becoming to much to bear.
I am sitting here typing instead of going to bed with my wife. She has slept alone most nights since the accident, as I find sleeping difficult. My mind races and I replay the accident over and over again. I wonder what I could have done to stop it. Nothing. There was nothing I could do differently, yet I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault we're struggling to pay bills. It's my fault when we fight. I hate it. It's just starting to really get to me.
Anyway, today has just been one of those days, where I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't like pity. I just wish that I could be happy again. I just wish I could wake up in the morning and say, hey today's going to be a good day. Instead, I do what needs to be done as far as taking care of the physical needs of myself and my son while my wife works. We eat. We drink. Then, we're on our own for the most part. I hate distancing myself from my son. He's been such a blessing to me. I don't want this to become who I am. I don't know what to expect in the future, but I can only hope that it's better than this.
Before the accident, I would always be outdoors on nice days, taking my son fishing or just going out to play. Now, it's like a chore and I feel awful about it. It's not how I like to be and not who I truly am. My son is at an age (3) where he needs interaction and needs to be taught things. I just don't feel like I have the energy or desire to do it. My doctors have me on an anti-depressant (amitriptylin) that is supposed to help with the headaches and to help me to find a little peace and get the sleep I need at night. I'm not sure they are doing anything. They've upped my dosage, but I don't see any effect. I'm not sure what to do to change things and feel like myself again. I know from reading others' posts on here that I'm not alone in feeling depressed and not feeling normal, but at the same time, I am feeling ashamed at my own behavior. I know I can do better, but I just don't know how. Am I just being lazy? Am I just giving up and giving in? I want to know that I am doing all I can to get my life back and get back the good father-son relationship I had. My son is constantly telling me he's sorry. I'll ask him why and he says it's because he broke the car. He somehow feels responsible for the accident.
He looks at the scars on my head and says he is sorry for the "boo-boos". It breaks my heart to think he's feeling guilty for something caused by the carelessness of another person. I also find myself constantly apologizing to him and my wife when I snap ant them or get easily annoyed. I know it's not their fault. I know that. I just react and then immediately realize that I'm taking out my frustration on those around me. It's never physical, thank God. I'm not even close to having anything like that happen, but words can be just as hurtful and for that I am ashamed at what's become of me. It's been just over 2 months since the accident, and I've been told it just takes time to get over things and it takes time for my brain to heal from the concussion. In the meantime, those around me are suffering as I am and it's not fair to any of us.
I spent some time online last night looking for local counselers to help me. Just looking at the websites made the tears pour from my eyes. I don't know why. I think it was that I have finally come to the realization that I need help. It's an overwhelming sense of shame and helplessness that I've never felt before. I know that the people around me are not ashamed of me and don't think of getting treatment as a weakness, but I do. I know that sounds stupid, but I've always dealt with things myself and thought I could handle anything that life threw at me. Losing my parents, my best friend, and my first born child who died at birth, my daughter, all before I even reached 30 was tough, but even then I didn't seek help. I did a lot of praying, as I am a Christian, but that doesn't take all the pain away. My relationship with God helped me try to find the positive things that come out of such tragedy. But with this, I can't find anything good to come out of it. I'm out of work because of it. I'm a different person because of it. I'm the guy who doesn't cry, but find myself crying all the time. I don't know if it's the fact that this time it was me who nearly died, or that my son could have been killed or what. I just know that it's all piling up on me and the weight of all this stress is becoming to much to bear.
I am sitting here typing instead of going to bed with my wife. She has slept alone most nights since the accident, as I find sleeping difficult. My mind races and I replay the accident over and over again. I wonder what I could have done to stop it. Nothing. There was nothing I could do differently, yet I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault we're struggling to pay bills. It's my fault when we fight. I hate it. It's just starting to really get to me.
Anyway, today has just been one of those days, where I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't like pity. I just wish that I could be happy again. I just wish I could wake up in the morning and say, hey today's going to be a good day. Instead, I do what needs to be done as far as taking care of the physical needs of myself and my son while my wife works. We eat. We drink. Then, we're on our own for the most part. I hate distancing myself from my son. He's been such a blessing to me. I don't want this to become who I am. I don't know what to expect in the future, but I can only hope that it's better than this.
