A family table

[Rani G2]

This is a slight release due to tension. I do get it, if this comes across as another thread where you just don’t know what to say, does this person want advice? Or just another perspective? Comfort or? What does this mean? Maybe I have a tendency to not always keep track..

Hellos to Forum people.,
Notes to self:

I don’t Do families well. No gatherings, No birthday parties (Maybe with a few people I have less connection with) No „How are you? I‘m fine“ discussions, No talks about future plans, Why me not having a career, kids? Exotic hobbies like mountain climbing? You don’t play the Piano?
There have been times where I have been pretty straightforward and say things like „I have no interest to compete“. I have said this, but I also feel the inner child feeling weak/ the aggression/ The inferiority and the wanting to rise up. This is painful and I always pay the price.
Countdown running I will face it or Not. Both decisions are OK, but I have done some inner work, hypnosis, facing introjects, yoga and rituals to be in touch with the inner. Having an altar with pictures of me as a kid and speaking to her( the hardest..).
I want to move forward I want to BE me and whole. This is my time to shine. No narc voice here just Me trying to Do life

So are you going to visit family or not?

 

[ladee]

For many years I did the family thing. I look back now and question why I ever put myself thru all that. I was still me struggling to be a part of something that I really didn't value as I was not valued as a part of that scene.

I finally decided I was strong enough to face the fallout and blowback from NOT attending. At least I still had me at the end of the day.

 

[Rani G2]

Dear @ladee
thanks for your input... and yes knowing this and giving that space and OK to NOT to put ourselves through that meat grinder (Someone wrote this word) Is strength! I see your strength and your wisdom, and you are going through such a difficult time. I read you even if I don’t answer.. I hope you know that and I will always be thankful for your advice.!!!!
I‘m still deciding.. you know I‘m thinking, I have I have seen a father trying to kill a mother, a father that beat my mother, boarding schools with nuns, sexual abuse when I was seven, different caregivers, seen stripclubs at 9 because a caregiver thought the more you see the harder you get. Now this and I feel weak? F* it I have been there and done it.. don’t f*** with me. I have this attitude and I know I fall into other parts as well..

Me shall see
thanks for your support

 

[Rani G2]

Note to self: You feel anxious, fear, rejection=== Tralllaaaa abandonment territory===== Cracks in the inner. I can’t do this.. I can’t Do passive aggressive people.

Me says: 1 Hr / give the presents/ and leave

Done.

 

[Rani G2]

I wrote on my palm:
A poem

I will go. Take care Rani G

 

[Rani G2]

Made it ... I enjoyed, stayed the whole time and was able to accept self. People were kind and no one judging me, maybe 1 person who ignored me which wasn’t really irritating. I am glad I made it :-)
Breathed, spoke to my inner child and there ME was

 

[Ronin]

Good you went and good all went okay. :)

 

[Rani G2]

Thanks @Ronin... small steps..
I have avoided them for a long time, and I felt as if they (Except for one person) Truly were looking forward to see me, this was a different experience.

 

[ladee]

Glad it was a good experience for you!