General Accountability? PTSD Equals No Responsibility?

[kguyton]

do I think it is a guise? I think it is a convenient catch all phrase to avoid absolutely anything. "I forgot" how can you argue with that? We went to a counselor who suggested keeping lists - as I have said here elsewhere they do no good - because "I forgot" to look at it. I forgot where I put it.

By the by - this has just drug on too long. I have been compassionate and supportive. My god who keeps this man functioning. Brush your teeth, shave your face call your son. Pay child support, get gas, go to VA,take a right at the corner, then a left, etc etc

His family is certainly praying I won't leave - as who wants to live like this?

I only opened up about my past (and was attacked for it - but whatever, I can take it.) because I know it can be done. moving past trauma and pain to have a happy life. No - I don't claim to be fixed. There are surely scars - but my point is - I never had the option - to shut down completely - if I did then I guess my child would have ended up in foster care - I would have been homeless, etc. making my problems 10fold. No thanks. I didn't have it alone - and I sure as hell don't have it now that my husband has shut down.

 

[anthony]

Maybe you need to stop helping him so much and let him work things out for himself? If things don't get done, it might force him to pull his finger out and get cracking, because lets face it, if someone does everything for us, we become instinctually habitual to that support, ie. we get lazy and allow them to continue doing things for us... maybe you need to step back and let him sort it out for himself, so he is forced back into looking after himself???

 

[johnny_longtorso]

k-
there is no quick fix for PTSD. I have read that it is a matter of years to recover, not months or weeks. With my wife, the more I push for her to do something, the more resistance I get from her, or she will do the exact opposite, or explode and do something completely off base. I keep looking for the silver bullet that cures PTSD, but I haven't found it on ebay yet. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that I cannot fix her problems-and I have always fixed everything.
Please try to learn everything you can about this condition. I have found that with more knowledge I seem to make fewer mistakes with my wife. It's no fun to have a loved one with this condition, and even less fun (I suspect) for the lucky soul that has PTSD.
If you want to help your spouse, you need to take care of yourself and children, if there are any in the household, first. You WILL do more than your fair share of pulling the load and keeping the household running. Only you can do the calculus that will determine if he, and your family, are worth the effort.
Good Luck.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Kguy my heart goes out to both but will step out. Maybe the spouses can help you along with Anthony (Anthony is at a mangaing stage, not I). As your anger is so much. Not to say my hubs has not been there anger wise. No one attacked you. It is some percentage get exposed to trauma and overcome it. A smaller percentage don't (you can have a MRI done and see the change in the brain, it is not attitude). Please try not to be angry, we merely tried to show that maybe you have some things to deal with too as many spouses have seen walking this road with their spouse has brought up their own past. You will not be the first or last. I lucked out as hubs came from an ideal home life that in he had no clue people lived like this.

All I can say is keep pushing and remind him of the VA. But know pulling a rug out he may very well be homeless and without my husband I would be living under a bridge. Just ask him. I have not hidden that fact.

Kguy, if you want out then you need to do what is best for you. It is understandable some cannot cope with us. We barely do with ourselves. You do not need validation for that.

 

[becvan]

Kguy: my post was not meant to anger or hurt you, nor was it written with anger or jealousy or anything else.. I was poking you for a reason. Well two reasons.. a) the type of reaction you have determines level of healing and b) if you react with the same symptoms yourself.. I truly believe you have more healing to do.. the situation with your husband will have added to it.. but yourself.. has more to go.. self care is the number one thing you need to do.. and that poke proved it..

Anyways I was not attacking.. I was poking.. please continue your healing process... are you seeing a therapist or anyone to help work throught these issues...

bec

 

[kguyton]

Ouch.

Well, I tell you today was hard. Very painful. I really had to check in with myself - I regret opening myself up here by disclosing my past. My therapist would remind me that abuse survivors have very warped boundaries and invite abuse. So in that sense I suppose I am not healed at all.

However, I had to ask myself - why have these posts upset me so much? A little close to the truth? Some. But I really don't think I can be faulted for "dragging my husband down" due to my history.

He is an addict all by himself. He is emotionally crippled all by himself. He is unable to function all by himself. I am just pulling all the slack. There has been no time to even wonder how i'm doing in this - as we are in survival mode all the time.

I suppose that the comments here, caused me to see how much pain and disappointment I feel in my situation. Now I don't feel angry (at the moment). I feel grief - that my ideas about our future are dying.

Once again though, today I was hurting, stomach in knots, but I had to go to my office, attend a mtg, pick up my highschool aged daughter and carry on with a smile. Who else would do it for me? Oh, I also had to talk my husband down from a panic attack over the phone.

I think that you should know that this trauma stems from 1991 gulf war. It is not a new affliction. Only now, it is a crises. God help us. At least there was a letter in the mail today saying his group will now meet weekly - not bi-weekly.

I think that I do feel a slight relief to just get it out here. Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 93]

My major crisis that pushed me over was 13 years ago. I managed until a year and a half ago. You can only swallow it so long and supress it with drugs or alcohol so long... Pick your poison. Go to the docs they just give you stronger dope. More bandaides. Anyway you can point him here before you check out of your relationship? I know it may seems he already has but that is not always the case (is sometimes, no sense blowing hot air up your ass)

You sound very hurt, and I hope you can find some healing here for yourself too here, sorry if we are not always the most tactful bunch, but we will not BS you either.

 

[anthony]

It is just nothing unusual to see the last attempts at desperation for survival within relationships, because lets face it, most of us don't do something proactive during it, instead we wait until we snap, or are ready to leave, until something is done. I think it is more a human behavioural flaw, something that we don't want to speakup earlier due to causing conflict, yet by leaving it the conflict escalates to all out war.

Kguyton, you are correct in that you must look after yourself, because lets be honest, he won't look after you if he cannot look after himself. He must get help, you must get help, and I mean professional help both individually and as a couple. Both will have issues to discuss, both must discuss relationship issues together. The problem is not going to go away, even if you walk out the door. If you don't love him, then walk, if you do love him, then get the both of you help ASAP and hookin to rebuilding this relationship and family. Remember, a child is involved here...

 

[kguyton]

Thank you

Veiled and Anthony and even meanie head (as my daughter would say) as I was angry, then sad, now relieved - after posting here - all in 48 hours! I have been so caught up in trying to get through each day and all that it holds....that I forgot to feel anything (Yes, I know - I just said, "I forgot") until I found this site - and my rage came pouring forth.

You know - it does make sense to simply decide if I love him then stick it out - if I don't - then don't. But since there has been no husband, wife relationship as far as communicating with each other, laughing, having fun, or just being friends even - that I don't even know how I feel. I feel obligated - as I did marry the guy. I made a bunch of promises that day. I have my daughter and he has a son - but they are both teens and will be out of the house in a couple of years off to college or - God forbid - the military. (My stepson is gung ho in JROTC)

They also have been through their parents first respective divorces and this is a new step-family to them. I don't mean that it wouldn't affect them if we divorced - but they are affected anyway. I can't hide it all. My daughter sort of sadly said on her own, "Mom, I just want you to be happy" I hadn't said anything - I guess she just knows. They both sound like parrots, "are you okay dad? are you okay dad?" "Is he okay, mom? Is he okay, mom?" The therapist said to stop hiding his pot use. It's called denial. So now the kids go wheres dad? - "oh, he's out back" we all say to each other when he goes to smoke.

Anyway, i'm rambling - I need to figure out if I love him enough to live this way or even 50% better (as he will never be "cured"). As I am in for a long, difficult life it seems -judging from what I am reading.

 

[anthony]

K, I would increase that to about 95% better actually, and often much improved once a person really decides enough is enough, and they hook into getting trauma healed, and learn how to manage PTSD. Yes, PTSD is not curable, and what that means is that a residual amount of stigma will always be present, in that if a sufferer heal all their lifes trauma, they learn how to manage PTSD, then life should be pretty damn normal as you defined what is normal for yourself and your relationship, however; a sufferer once healed must always just be accepting that not all things will go well with their PTSD, ie. increased household stress will increase their PTSD, so its a family change and awareness as healing commences, not just the sufferer, in that all people in the house must be more open to talk about things, not exert stress or anger, which will only make the sufferer worse, which in turn makes everyone elses life in the house worse.

It is a lifestyle change, in that a suffer can work or have a hobby, but they just will not cope in high stress jobs, or jobs that entail a lot of human contact, ie. public services dealing direct with clients and people... just won't work, because people cause stress, especially disgruntled one's that unload their anger and rage upon the first person they get hold off. You have likely done it yourself, I know I have, talking with a customer representative on the phone for a mixup in a phone bill, electricity or gas, returning a good to a store, etc etc... unless the person is the one who made the rules or made the mistake, anyone else should not be insulted, yet we tend to release our frustrations on the person we get a hold off. This is why management comes into PTSD. Healing is a major part of it, then management tidies up all the lose ends.

 

[kguyton]

I just want to thank you all for continuing to respond and "talk" to me - cuz it is really helping me.