Relationship Alcohol Abuse

[dimplesg520]

My boyfriend has combat PTSD and TBI, along with severe depression and anxiety. He has been in treatment since Dec. 3 -- an outpatient program where he goes there for 6-8 hours a day and then sleeps at the base at night. The treatment is very intense and at the end of the day he is pretty much done emotionally, so we don't talk much during the week. He usually comes to see me every weekend.

We've had some rocky patches lately with money and with his ex-wife and visitation of his children, but we have talked out every issue and found solutions that work for both of us. He didn't come home last weekend, so I hadn't seen him in two weeks (the base is 3 1/2 hours away). This week was awesome -- he really seemed to have had a breakthrough at therapy and was using a lot of the skills they had taught him to avoid becoming angry. He was more loving than he had been in months, and just seemed to be doing better overall. He said he felt lighter after talking about a lot of the situations he has kept bottled inside and that he really felt himself starting to heal.

He came home Friday night and everything was great. We went out to dinner, did some errands, watched a movie, and went to bed. Saturday morning he got a little overzealous and thought that he would go to WalMart by himself for some DIY immersion therapy. It did not go very well. He said he lasted in the store about 5 minutes before he left, and by the time he got home, he was very agitated. We went to my parents house and after being there a while, he said he felt more relaxed and safe and wanted to go finish our errands. We went to Target first, and he was fine until we were leaving. He saw somebody he thought was acting suspicious and he immediately got really panicky and upset, and said that he felt unsafe. I offered for us to just drive home but he insisted on finishing our errands. We went to the grocery store around 10 pm (we usually go then because it isn't very busy so he feels okay) and unfortunately there were a lot of people and the people were cutting him off and coming up behind him and stuff. The situation quickly escalated and he was very very rude to some people. I was embarrassed but we pressed on and finished our shopping quickly so that we could leave.

When we got home, he apologized for being snappy and rude to the people and admitted that we should have just come home. He asked if I was embarrassed and I said that yes, I was, but that I don't hold it against him. I explained that I know he grew up differently than me (he has PTSD from his childhood abuse as well) and that sometimes I am too strict about my manners/politeness. I said that I couldn't imagine how much is going on in his head at one time so I don't hold it against him because he is focusing on more important things and that when he is farther along in therapy and has addressed the "big" issues, he will be able to work on more social life type things. I reiterated many times that I wasn't mad and didn't hold it against him. He was sad that he embarrassed me, apologized again, and said he would try to be more aware of it. I thought everything was fine. We ate our dinner, watched a movie, talked a little more about stuff and went to bed.

Today I woke up and could hear him in the basement. I went down to see what he was up to and immediately knew something was off. He was drunk. The last time he drank was November 1, when he was physically and verbally abusive to me, and I had to call the cops to come get him and take him to the psych hospital. He was put into an inpatient psych ward for 1 week, after which he got transferred to the program he is in now. He is on orders to have nothing to drink (non-drinking profile) and was supposed to go to a few AA meetings but kept saying he didn't need to go, so he hasn't. I asked him why he was drinking when he wasn't supposed to be, and he started talking about how I hurt him very deeply last night because I was picking on him about a song he likes. He said I was judgmental, rude, I don't care about anyone around me, on and on, all because I was joking around about a song he liked. I had no clue what he was talking about really, because at the time of when he played the song, he was picking on me and joking around about music I listen to, so I just made some comment about the song he had on, and he joked back and laughed and I thought everything was fine. He kept going on, and he is always very verbally abuse when he is drunk. Usually I just stand there and take it but today when he was finished, I said I was sorry he felt that way, that I needed to get our stuff together to go to the Super Bowl party, we could talk about things later, and that I would be upstairs. I went up and started getting our stuff together and he came in and starting packing his bag, saying he was going back to the base. He was so drunk that he couldn't walk straight, and I tried to convince him to stay, but he wouldn't, and drove off.

I called the staff sargeant that is coordinating his care because I didn't know who else to call. He tried calling him, as well as a few other guys, and my bf answered the first time but wouldn't after that. None of us had heard from him for about 4 1/2 hours, when I finally got the call from the staff sargeant that my bf was being held at the police barracks by his base because he was pulled over and arrested for a DUI. His CO came and got him, and that's about all I know.

I'm kind of freaking out a bit... He texted me that he was getting charged, and then about 4 hours later he texted me "nite" but won't respond to anything else. I don't know if he is in his barracks room or somewhere else, but he has been talking about how he still thinks about killing himself all the time and he told his SSGT that when the cop pulled him over, he should have just swerved into the median and ended it all. He has a spotless military record and is very proud of it, so with this looming over him, I'm sure he is in a really bad headspace right now. He will probably be demoted in his rank, plus pay taken away, plus the civilian fines, and we barely have enough money to cover us right now and still aren't caught up on all of our bills because he was out of work for so long. I am scared that he will hurt himself, but I'm also very angry that he willingly put his life and our future lives in danger on purpose. I called and left a message just saying that I loved him and wanted him to be safe, that I didn't want him to hurt himself, and that I am here and not going anywhere. I said I was here when he wanted to talk.

I just... don't even know what to do. I am glad he is safe but I am really really freaking mad. I don't know what to say to him when he does call. I can't lie and say it's okay because it's NOT okay what he did. But every time I try to set boundaries in our relationship (ie, I walk away instead of letting him verbally abuse me), he flips out and this stuff happens. I am also terrified that I'll wake up to a knock on my door that he killed himself in his room overnight because they thought he would be fine and isn't. Has anyone else dealt with a DUI or alcohol abuse problems? What helps? What should I say to him? Is there anything else I can say for him to know I love him so that he doesnt hurt himself? I just have a billion thoughts and emotions running through me right now.

 

[nursenurse]

You can't control him or his healing, and you have taken so much of his burden on your shoulders. Part of making boundaries is having clear cut consequences when establishing them, and sticking firmly with those consequences, when those boundaries are broken, regardless of what threats are issued to you. We talk a lot about the PTSD stress cup here, but supporters have their own too, that will fill up eventually, because supporters are human too.

Do not beat yourself up for feeling anger, hurt, whatever. You cannot own his problems, his reactions. He needs his space right now, and needs that treatment more than ever. For now, you know he is safe. Leave it alone, give him some time to focus on himself without you in the picture. Trust me, he knows you are there, he knows you won't forget him. You have told him that. Now he needs to process and do for himself. Look after yourself, do things just for you, make a life outside of him for yourself. You cannot be everything to anybody, you set yourself up for heartache that way. Seek out some counselling for yourself, maybe eventually couples' counselling if he progresses to that point. But this part of the journey, this treatment, is his to make alone, for himself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There's nothing you can say so that he knows you love him and won't hurt himself. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Love isn't enough.

I encourage you to keep strong boundaries. You can't stop him from drinking, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with this behavior.

Next time he gets behind the wheel after drinking, call the cops yourself. It's better that he get a DUI instead of a manslaughter charge or end up dead himself.

 

[dimplesg520]

@nursenurse, Admittedly in the past, I haven't set many boundaries for fear that things like this would happen. He is always very much in the military mindset, giving orders and getting his way, and whenever I have tried in the past, bad things like this would happen. I am trying to stick with them and I think I did okay today, because I didn't cave in like I usually do, but it's still hard for me. You are right that he needs to do this on his own. I left him that voicemail and I'm not going to keep calling or texting because I think we both need a little space right now. PTSD has taken over our lives for the past 7 months, and my stress cup is overflowing today. I have been putting myself on the back burner for a long time and I am finally starting to see that that's not okay or right for me. I am hoping that this will be the push or wake-up call he needs to really fix things. I just worry because I'm not sure that he is safe -- he can be very manipulative due to his training, and has told his doctors before that he wasn't suicidal, only to tell me that same day that he lied to them about it. So I am just worried about his safety because I don't know where he is right now. But thank you for your advice. I like that you are very blunt and to the point, because sometimes we all need a kick in the face to see how we are acting and how we need to adjust, so thank you.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so sorry all this is going on. It is tremendously stressful.

The best help my mother and I ever got was in going to Al-Non meetings. Everyone there has experience with this.

You have to take care of you. It's easy for your life to become one of pure response to the drinker's behavior and little else. You deserve well being. I hope you get some good advice.

 

[dimplesg520]

@Solara, Ironically enough, I just posted on another thread about supporters' words not being enough to 'convince' someone not to hurt themselves. I have been in that situation and know that nobody's words make much of a difference because of how deep you are in your head and how you feel about yourself. But as a supporter, even knowing that, I desperately wish there was something I could say to make a difference, and it's easy to lose perspective when you are on the other side of the fence.

I was going to call the cops because I know that isn't safe. I called his SSGT instead, thinking that they would be able to talk him into going to a rest area to sleep it off, or to come back home or something. Plus, I wanted to avoid what will now happen -- UCMJ hearing and everything else. But that happened anyway, so I should have just called them to begin with.

 

[dimplesg520]

Thank you @franciemarnie for your kind words. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 25 years, so I grew up being very aware of it and the things to look out for. I never thought that I would end up with someone who abused alcohol, after being brought up that way. He is going to go to some support group meetings with me, and is helping me to find a therapist for me that has experience with PTSD. The past few months, my life has been a response to the PTSD, and I am finally starting to see that it isn't healthy and that I need to get help with it myself. This situation sucks but I am hoping that some good comes out of it, including me getting therapy and learning to be stronger in myself and my boundaries.

 

[Lost Pup]

This is only my personal opinion so please do with it what you will.

I have problems with alcohol that are not entirely dissimilar to what you describe, minus the legal trouble. I've gotten infinitely better with them but am still periodically prone to really yucky benders. Thankfully, I tend to stay home and sleep and write emails I regret rather than drive or verbally abuse my partner.

Only speaking personally, I loathe AA and feel like its message can be quite destructive for *some* abuse survivors. For me, 12-step programs are like poison as so much of my own path has to do with learning to feel and express righteous anger. There is an aspect to 12-step that, again, only in my specific experience, is very much about letting go of anger and/or seeing oneself as "selfish."

For me, letting go of anger is really bad advice before I'm ready and framing the self-medicating aspect of alcohol abuse as "selfish" simply provokes unnecessary shame. When I drink too much, it's out of the life-or-death desperation of a child, not a lack of concern or love for others. So, I just want to testify that I do believe AA is genuinely and legitimately not for everyone. Obviously many others have had good experience with it and that is great. I am grateful to them that they have saved the lives of friends of mine.

Still, we all need help and support and community. To this end, I have periodically attended SMART meetings. Not sure if there is one where you live but, IMHO, they are particularly well-suited to people with abuse histories as they are secular, CBT based and infinitely more realistic about what the actual path towards abstinence looks like. IOW, it's pretty much par for the course that relapses are going to happen and learning to really look at what triggers them and why, in some detail, is a rich, crucial part of the learning process, not an opportunity to feel like you're back at square one.

I mention them also because, they will welcome him there non-judgmentally even before he is ready to be fully abstinent (though SMART does 100% promote total abstinence btw) and will start by working on harm reduction. IE, before you do anything else, let's make sure that, if and when you do drink, you do not drive, etc.

I feel for you very much. I regret profoundly the ways in which alcohol and PTSD have worked synergistically and negatively on me and allowed me to bring harm to others. I'm sorry you now find yourself in the line of such fire.

 

[nursenurse]

We all struggle with what is best. I have said it before, if love could heal all this forum would be practically non existent. I think you are aware of what this is doing to you. You cannot sacrifice your own mental health or inner peace for anyone. Otherwise you won't be any good for yourself, or be of any help for someone else. Take good care of yourself. What is meant to be will happen, sometimes without any prompting.

 

[dimplesg520]

@Lost Pup - I definitely agree with you that AA is not for everybody. My dad went to a rehab facility followed by AA for years and years, while I know other friends that have gotten sober completely on their own willpower and have stayed that way, and still others who have tried other "nonconventional" therapies that worked and they are still on their sober road. The part that bothers me about him not going to AA isn't that he simply hasn't gone. The part that bothers me is that after every alcohol incident thus far, he says that he doesn't need to go to AA because he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. Other times he will say that he uses it to self-medicate, but for the most part, after every time (when he has had super large amounts of alcohol to drink after a PTSD-triggering incident), he says that he doesn't really have a problem with alcohol, that he won't do it again, and he was just upset and everything will be fine. That's the part that bothers me, because he clearly has a problem with alcohol, since he does use it to self-medicate, he binge drinks, and he is so awful when he's drunk. He can choose whatever program he likes and I will support it, but I think he needs to be in a program.

I also agree with you about the anger part. In my opinion, he is justified to feel angry about things that have happened to him, and I don't think that he is selfish for feeling that way. I think that it is selfish to put other people in harms way because of his anger, and that is what I meant. I apologize if it came across another way. He is working through his anger and using a tool where he counts to 11, and at each number thinks of one thing he is grateful for/makes him happy, to diffuse his anger. He is doing good with it but still struggles, and that is part of why he self-medicates with the alcohol. He can't just let go of his anger before he is ready, you are right. But maybe the shame is what it takes in this situation to stop putting other people's lives in danger? I'm not sure because I don't drink, so I don't understand it in the same way that you do.

I will definitely check to see if they have a SMART program where he is. His SSGT told me he will be forced by his CO to go to an alcohol program, and also by our state's laws he is required to complete a program before he can get his license back, so I'm not sure exactly that type of program either will be. I am definitely going to recommend the SMART program though, so thank you so much for telling me about it! :hug:

 

[Seasounds]

Your circumstances seem painful. Your concern is so sincere.

Realistically, he has a long road of recovery ahead of him. Learning how to be sober and learning to manage PTSD triggers takes dedication and years of persistent effort. He is at the very beginning.

As pointed out above, he is relapsing due to his inner psychological challenges, not because of you; know this. For the same reason, his recovery is dependent on him, not you. He may be not be able to have a relationship that is healthy, for a while. He may or may not change. Only he can change himself.

I liked what was written above, regarding knowing that love is not enough, and the very importance of getting support-for yourself (therapy and Alanon-like programs), setting boundaries-with him, and considering what is best for YOU. Letting him know you care, from a distance, may be a good choice.

Take good care.

 

[Lost Pup]

Oops I was careless in that I was not responding to you calling him selfish - that seems a fair judgment - I just meant that, in a healing/therapeutic context, that line of thinking about oneself can activate the deep shame which is often at the core of PTSD.

I doubt I can explain it to you effectively, but I want you to know that every confusing seemingly disingenuous thing he is saying about his drinking really resonates with me. I suspect that their is something in what he is saying when he denies having a problem that is begging to be heard, rather than simply the denial with which we so predominantly characterize substance abuse in our culture. Not to say he doesn't have a problem (he clearly does), only that, in those statements, I suspect he is trying to convey something of his own agency and determination. Strengthening that will, I suspect, eventually open up the space to just look more practically at why booze and PTSD make such terrible bedfellows.

He is so very lucky that you are remaining at all open to him as a human being. You must be extremely strong and kind and I echo others here in saying it is imperative that you, also, take really good care of yourself.