Am I Suicidal? What Are Suicidal Thoughts? Very Confused.

[bluedressinggown]

This may seem like a really strange post. But just bare with me. I am so confused.

My suicidal thoughts started peaking about 2 months ago. I have had them off and on but I would dismiss them quickly. Then they started to evolve in my mind as a possibility and I did not get upset by them anymore.

I started exposure therapy a few weeks ago. At the same time I told my GP I wasn't coping. I asked for antidepressants a few times, eventually he gave me fluoxetine. I've been on it about 3 weeks. At first I thought they were working. They did seem to have a positive effect quite quickly. Then now I seem to have gone down into a slump again. My T let me down last week. I decided I couldn't rely on him to help me anymore I went to the place where I was knocked down by a car. I stood for about an hour with a strong urge to throw myself into the traffic. It was pulling me towards the road. I also get urges to turn my steering wheel when I'm driving so that I will crash. It is very tempting.

I told my therapist this. He first wondered if they were intrusive thoughts. I'm not sure either. I don't want to be thinking these things. But I explained that I do feel very bad about my life. Logically I can see that suicide isn't an answer. But my future seems bleak whichever way I look at it. I'm not sure I can cope with it. THis is when he suggested I see someone extra. Like a community MH Nurse. I do feel like I need to be looked after a lot. I worry for my safety. So he said I should see the GP first thing this morning. The GP took me seriously and recommended I called the local MH service.

I eventually spoke to the mental health service who kind of persuaded me that I was having normal thoughts. Like intrusive thoughts. The thing that gets me is that I can function on the whole. I was out with friends today, so I sounded perfectly fine on the phone. He said- you're not really a risk if you are not having suicidal thoughts every day and you are caring for yourself. Call back on Monday if you want to speak to the duty supervisor. But didn't give me any oppertunity to say- yes, I do have these thoughts every day and actually, I'm not sleeping at all and am sure I'm developing an eating disorder. I'm obsessed about my weight and don't eat much. I just kind of got told I'm not bad enough.


But I have an overwhelming desire to harm myself. It's like a need to take some action. Why do I have this? Is it suicidal or is it normal? I'm just really confused now. I've never self harmed, but now I'm wondering if it is something I could do if it will make me feel better. I have googled suicide. I read about it a lot. I think about it a lot. I wouldn't want to plan to do it. But I know how I could. I worry about being impulsive and for example, quickly jerking the steering wheel and hitting a wall. I don't do it because I like my car, and I can logically think that I don't want to do it. I've mentioned it to friends. I feel flipant about my life. Like today I was crossing the road and wasn't really bothered about the cars.

I can function though. For example I was out today for a friends leaving do- going through the motions of it. Tomorrow I have to go away to see my brother. I don't want to go. But no doubt I will manage. I'm just exhausted. I don't sleep at all.

Am I a risk- like my therapist seems to think. Or not? I'm just so confused. I make an effort with my appearance. etc etc. So I guess I feel like I shouldn't be a risk. So am I or not? I think about being sectioned. I've googled that too. If I could be sectioned without anyone knowing, even for just a few days, I would probably do it. I feel like I am making a fuss though? Like maybe I just want the attention? But surely only someone mentally very sick would want to do all this for the attention.

I just feel so exhausted. I need to be knocked out. Help me someone. And be nice to me I'm desperate.

 

[Tigger123]

I wish I could offer you a definitive answer hun but I am not qualified to do so - what I can do, is be nice - I can do that lots. Well done for acknowledging there is something wrong am sure you know that is half the battle. I feel for you and appreciate that what you are going through Is upsetting and worrying you. Well done too for the times when you can function - part of our recovery is acknowledging that we have times when we function and times when we struggle - the hard bit is accepting the fact we have low times and aim to be extra kind to ourselves when that happens. Sending you warm wishes and a hug (if you accept them).

 

[bluedressinggown]

Any hugs are much appreciated. Thank you @Tigger123

It's embarrassing too because I have a job due to start soon in which I'm meant to be a pillar of the community. I think starting work will help. But I'd rather be knocked out than do it. You know Michael Schumacher in a coma? Sorry to be really bad taste. But I would love to be him right now. That is sick. But that is how I feel.

 

[Hashi]

Exposure therapy brings up a lot. Have you and your therapist worked on coping skills to get you through, and are you using the skills? I don't understand why you started exposure therapy when your suicidal thoughts were bad and you weren't coping well - did your therapist know this?

Are you aware that antidepressants, including fluoxetine, can cause suicidality and anxiety? This is most likely to happen in the first few weeks of taking them, and in some cases it can continue beyond that.

To go to the place where you were knocked down by a car would, I think, be expected to set off all sorts of symptoms.

You might not agree with my take on things. If not, that's fine and please disregard this. I'm not surprised you're experiencing the kinds of things you have been. I think you need to pace yourself, work very hard on coping skills (and work hard to use them) and not push yourself over the edge with exposure. Coping skills would also help you with your new job.

It might be good to take a step back from the exposure work and focus on stabilisation right now. You're not going to recover from trauma in a few weeks, by rushing at it. It takes time, and learning to take care of ourselves, pace ourselves and function while working through trauma is a huge part of the recovery process.

It might be a good idea to continue with the fluoexetine and it might be a good idea to have the additional support of a mental health nurse. I think that depends on those things being to support you in improving your own skills and functioning so you can deal with more yourself, rather than in the hope that they will prop you up enough to continue with a course that's too hard for you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug::hug::hug:Extra support CANNOT hurt! I think a few visits at the MH center is worth it! You DESERVE to LIVE HAPPY!!!
Welcome, and come here for compassion and understanding. We KNOW how you feel!!!

 

[bluedressinggown]

@Hashi- thanks. He taught me how to think of a safe place after doing exercises. He has also taught me how to do thought records. He has told me to stop doing the exposure work for now and to focus on improving mood. I know fluoxetine can cause suicidality. I felt like this before I took it too. THat's why I was worried about taking it because I was worried it would make me act. I felt quite euphoric in the first few days, but now the bad thoughts have returned.

SO are they suicidal thoughts or not? Or does it not matter?

 

[Hashi]

I'm afraid I don't understand your question, or the reason for it. If you're thinking about suicide, those are suicidal thoughts. If you're idealising suicide, that's suicidal ideation. If you're seriously planning suicide, that's planning (and can't be discussed on the forum - you should call a crisis line).

And having got that out of the way...

I think what matters is your coping skills. What has happened in all this with thinking of a safe place? Does it make you feel safe? How are your thought records helping you?

 

[bluedressinggown]

@Hashi I don't know I'm very confused. It sounds ridiculous to not know what I am thinking but I find it hard to regulate thoughts. I think it's because the mental health phone services kind of persuaded me it was normal and just intrusive thoughts. The therapist took it very seriously. I don't know.

The safe place was an island. It was inflitrated by tsunamis and dinasoars. I changed it to a forest. I see cars flying through the trees crashing. It's hard to keep the safe place safe. I don't bother with the thought records. But therapist has encouraged me to try it again.

 

[bluedressinggown]

@Confused Wingless I REALLY appreciate the compassion and support. Thank you so much. It's great to know I am not the only one who feels like this.

 

[Hashi]

Then you don't have coping skills, or are not using them. I can't understand your point of view. To me, coping skills are everything. If they don't work, then I work on finding others. If I have any, I use them - I at least try them, very hard. If I'm stuck, I would talk to my therapist.

But to do anything without having effective coping skills or without using the ones I've got - I have to say, what would I be expecting as a result of that?

Like I said, you're welcome to disregard what I say.

 

[bluedressinggown]

I haven't been in therapy a long time @Hashi. I don't understand either. It feels like you think I have brought this on myself. I cannot help the way I feel and I would do anything to stop this feeling. If I could use the coping skills I would. I guess I just haven't learned any that work yet. Is that a crime to have not learned them yet? That must be why the therapist has told me to stop doing the exposure because I'm not coping. I feel like it was pointless me posting here now.

 

[Hashi]

Did I say anything was a crime? All I have tried to do is emphasise how essential coping skills are. One of the things I referred to was talking to the therapist if stuck.

Why not go back to your therapist and talk about coping skills again?