Are There Any Us Doctors On Here?

[Soca]

Part of my C-PTSD is related to my experiences with the school I'm currently attending. In a few months, I will be moving into my 3rd year clerkship rotations and the idea of continuing to work with my current student colleagues is a terrifying idea just because of past history. I worry about the stigma I will carry with me for the remainder for my medical education because I feel a lack of safety with the students I already know. I realize I have made it this far, but I am very concerned for my future in the profession based on my current state.

If there aren't any doctors interested in discussing their experiences working with PTSD in the medical field, I would be interested to hear others' experiences when the trauma is related to school and transferring is not an option.

A quick background - my C-PTSD came into full force during my first two years - highly triggered by events that occurred with other students and the administration. After a very upsetting first year, the final event that led to my meltdown was a date rape with another student acquaintance. By this point, due to my previous contact with the administration, the small size of the school and the fact that the school was located outside of the US, I did not feel safe revealing the person or trusting the school to handle the affairs appropriately. I took a medical leave of absence and enrolled in a 5 week program at a trauma center (which was very enlightening about how the PTSD was playing a role in my life). I returned to school and completed my second year by avoiding campus (with approval), by mostly staying home and studying on my own. I am currently back in the US and dealing with the PTSD as I'm studying for the first standardized exam taken after completion of years 1 & 2.

 

[cat-lady]

Hi Soca. I'm starting my third and final year of law school in a week. My experience is almost identical to yours. It's a very rough situation. I don't have any medical training or formalized education in PTSD but I just wanted to reach out and say hi because of how similar my situation is to what you wrote. Like you I am concerned about my future based on all this, transferring is not an option, and the school has handled it very badly. I would love to stay in touch and compare notes on what works and what doesn't in our situation if you are open to that. Good luck with everything!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Soca, Welcome to MyPTSD! This is place chock-full of intelligent, compassionate people.

I am a graduate student in mathematics. Until a couple of years ago, I suffered from both PTSD and DID. Now, I have Generalized Anxiety.

From your introduction, I note that you have Complex PTSD, which implies you have issues going way back (as I did, of course). You mentioned several incidents that occurred at your medical school with both students and administrators, troubles that culminated in the date rape scenario you mentioned. Now, after doing some fine work on an inpatient unit, you are ready to return to your studies.

The only problem seems to be that you are fearful, now, of your fellow students and administrators. You are hyper-vigilent. And, due to these fears, you are now self-isolating.

Did I get that right?

So, your fears - and only your fears, your PTSD - are standing in the way of your education.

Ok, let me rewind for you a bit. I'm older now, studing mathematics, but when I was in my twenties, I was in graduate school studying psychology. Try being a psychology graduate student with generalized anxiety and, what we didn't know back then, DID. (By the way, don't make the common mistake of believing that doctoral-level psychologists are warm, accepting and fuzzy-cute creatures. Psychologists are absolutely ruthless at rooting-out graduate students with mental health issues of any sort; they consider any person with any issue to be broken.)

So, when I entered into graduate school, I also won a fellowship at a local NASA facility. Talk about pressure! There were ten of us, all hand-picked. Our defenses were high. Everyone had to be perfect. Or so we thought.

In my second year, my anxiety and depression got the best of me. I'd had trouble for several years but had always been able to hide it. Not any longer. A friend of mine on the same NASA program told me, in confidence, that she was having a terrible time with Major Depression; she'd tried to off herself several times, and had even been hospitalized on a number of occasions since starting at NASA. She suggested I begin sessions with her clinical psychologist. And I did.

It was a rough ride. I won't bore you with the details. But, I will tell you this: Several months after starting therapy, I came out from a session to find another NASA student - yes, someone from my very program - hanging out in the parking lot, hiding behind cars, waiting for me to leave so SHE could enter my clinician's office without being seen. Seriously. And then, ten years later, I found out the truth: EVERY SINGLE NASA STUDENT IN MY PROGRAM was seeing my clinical psychologist for Major Depression and acute anxiety.

Anxiety? YES. We were all secretely worried that we WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH for the program. We all had 'Imposter Syndrome', meaning we each worried that we were only 'surface' excellent, that if the administrators were to ever catch us at the wrong moment, or scratch us too deeply, they'd find out we were fakes, not suitable for graduate work at all, let alone a NASA fellowship.

So, my friend, I suggest to you that your student colleagues, although they might not literally have PTSD, are probably just as frightened and insecure as you feel right now. They are just hiding their insecurites from you. They may even have psychiatric disorders more serious than your own!

Are you willing to allow your fears to stop you from earning the degree you desire? Why? You are really no different from anyone else. Put on those scrubs or the White Coat and go on to do what you want to do.

Ben

 

[Soca]

Thank you and nice to meet you, cat lady! I'll keep an eye out for you and try to alert you to things that I find interesting and might be relevant to you :)

 

[cat-lady]

Thanks! Same here :)