Relationship Are You Going Through What I Am Going Through?

[Maggie May]

Hi! My name is Maggie. I have been married for 22 years and have one son. My husband suffered a closed head injury five years ago and this has created complete chaos in our lives. He was diagnosed with PTSD. I would like to know if anyone is going through what I am going through.

My husband has become verbally abusive, mean, and controlling on a daily basis. He lashes out and tells me what I should and shouldn't be saying. He tries to control everything I do and say. I have read some posts on here and people say they love their spouse. But when is enough enough? I myself feel depressed and beaten down. I cannot take his verbal abuse one more day. He fights with me daily about things that would matter to no one else in the world. It's like he's looking for a fight.

He sits on the couch watching television all day or looking at the internet. He refuses to help himself in anyway. Is this normal? And how long does this last? In my house this has been going everyday for the last 4 months. Every day seems to be a bad day to him. We don't go anywhere unless it's something he wants to do - then he can go. If it's something for me, he makes an excuse why he can't go - like too many people are there. I think this is just complete selfishness because he can go places for himself.

My question is how are people supposed to live like this? Why would anyone want to? I am called names, put down and verbally assaulted. I try to be understanding and help him, but of course according to him I say nothing right or that's not the kind of help he needs. He says I try to fix him. All I do is tell him exactly what the therapists have told him in the past. That he needs to get up and do something everyday. That he needs to not dwell on things and he needs to quit picking apart everything everyone does. He tries to control everything all the time. What I don't understand is how someone who treats others like this expects something to take this from them and live their life like this. I get that I am supposed to love him unconditionally and support and help him, but how do you help him if he won't help himself? How much of myself should I be willing to give up for him? I cannot allow myself to be beat down into nothing because of him. All my friends think we should divorce and I do too. But he makes me feel guilty because he says I'm the only one he has in life. If that were true, wouldn't he be nice to me? I cannot stand being his punching bag. The way I see it is that I only have one life. Why should I live it in misery? Neither one of us are happy. He sees fault in everything I do. I am just simply at a loss and feel nothing I do is right to him and I just don't want to live like this. When is it time to walk away and take care of myself and repair the damage he has done to me?

 

[discarded]

That is a hard one. I recently decided I had had enough and walked away. My sufferer had totally withdrawn from me and if I asked for answers or even how he was he got angry. After a long time I got angry back. We had been together 28 years, the last 8 with combat related PTSD. It was terrible to see him change so much each time he deployed. I was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety during one of his deployments and as part of my treatment I learned that I deserved more than I was getting. I stood up for myself but that just made the situation worse. I needed a support person but he needed one more and so my issues got pushed aside. I only left 6 weeks ago and it has been a constant battle, I think about him all the time and worry that he is ok. The only contact he makes is about the kids (2 live with me, the other 2 have married). I don't know if I did the right thing, I hope so. Look after yourself.

 

[MIMI MAHOO]

Hi ... I know exactly where you are.. My husband has only just been diagnosed officially... I suspected it for years... but it's only in the last 2 years it's been bad, and the last 6 months it's been terrible. He was diagnosed last month.

My husband isn't forces, his PTSD is from childhood abuse, physical beating and emotional abuse... He's had nightmares virtually every night for all our married life .. 11 years... and had them for years before. He escaped the abuse when he came to London and got away from his family.

We moved back to near his family last year and that's when things got much worse. We've been told being back close to his family may have triggered PTSD in him. I asked him to move out about 6 weeks ago as I couldn't cope any more..

My teenager also has anxiety and depression, and I suspect PTSD also, she admitted last month to being raped by a male friend 2 years ago.. so I just couldn't support both of them.

My husband and I were so happy for years but now I don't know how long I can continue... He's full of rage and anger, he's driving like an idiot and it's like he doesn't want to live any more he's in such pain. He's started seeing the psychiatrist but only had 1 session before the Dr went on leave for 2 weeks.

We see each other most days and as long as we're on neutral ground we seem to do OK, we even have times when we're happy together, but only for short periods of time. I adored my husband, but the last 2 years of irritability, criticism, and indifference have worn me away... He still says he loves me ... but I can't say it any more and that's really sad...

 

[discarded]

Hi Mimi Mahoo. It is so hard on everyone involved. We are the same in that as long as conversations are about general everyday stuff, like the weather, the kids, the stockmarket and so on, everything is fine. But just to even ask 'how are you?', sets off a negative response and it is all downhill from there. You are brave to move on, it isn't easy but sometimes it is harder to stay together. Stay strong and take care of yourself for a while.

 

[Maggie May]

Thank you so much for your input. I just think no one should ever give up themselves for another human being. I know I can no longer do this. I so appreciate people responding so I know I am not alone. I wish you two the best and better days are yet to come!

 

[Shanny Banany]

Hi Maggie, I know that this thread is a year old...but I just have to post. I have been married for 21 years, my husband also has PTSD. His is from childhood trauma and he was diagnosed about 8 years ago. He has been medicated off and on for all those years, he has been to therapy numerous times, and he just seems to keep getting worse. We are at a crossroads right now, wondering if we should separate or not. I feel emotionally weary, tired of being on this rollercoaster. My husband is not and has never been abusive - so I can not relate to that, but he has been unable to participate in marriage. He is distant and emotionally closed off. We cannot do any marriage councelling because it always turns into husband councelling - so any issues we have cannot be resolved - cannot be worked on - until he gets better. My husband's trauma started when he was about 5 - so he is well entrenched in 'coping behaviors'. I don't know if he will ever be well. I feel guilty for wanting out, scared to have him move out, and yet so tired of living in this situation. Lots of mixed emotions....thus the rollercoaster feeling.

So you are certainly not alone....there are others of us going through a PTSD marriage. From what is sounds like - it's not easy for any of us.