Argh - dissociation in therapy

[CelticHarp]

So I have plenty of conversations with my therapist that I don't remember having but i can't bring myself to ask about it and anytime I bring up the subject of dissociation she changes the topic.

It feels like I think something and then she says what I am thinking. Or she says something and later I realize that I knew beforehand that I already know what she is talking about. I don't believe she or I to be psychic. I am not aware of time loss, but that must be what is happening.

Does anybody else experience this?

The dissociation immobilizes me. I just freeze and can't think or talk about it. She thinks I have nothing to talk about and ends sessions early. Does she think I am not trying hard enough?

 

[New]

@CelticHarp totally relate! I started showing my T posts I made on here or my personal diary and it greatly helped. Sometimes I don’t even remember some things I post on here. Ha! Part of it though.

 

[Swift]

Hey there.
It happens to me, too. I've started calling it 'dissociative inception' - sort of like a half-remembered conversation, where I can't remember who said what but the words end up implanted in my head.

As for your therapist, I've kinda got two answers to your question, contingent on whether she's a good therapist or not. How long have you been seeing her? Does she generally make you feel welcome and understood? I notice in your answer you seem to have pretty negative feelings about yourself in therapy - wasting her time, she ends because she feels like you have nothing to say, etc. I know one of the things my own cptsd likes to do is give me these kind of thoughts, or fill in the blanks with these kind of explanations, so I ask: is this common for you in your life or in therapy or with other people? Or is it something particular to this therapist?
Kinda changes things.
If she is a good therapist, she probably knows when you're dissociating, and if you do it a lot in therapy, she may end sessions early, not because you have nothing to say, but because your brain can't handle any more for that day. Persisting when someone is dissociative can be dangerous.
Is dissociation normal for you in therapy? If so, she might be changing the subject because you can't talk about dissociation without dissociating, (which happened to me if that helps).
Anyway, if she's any good there's probably an explanation.
Another alternative is there's something about this particular woman that triggers you, because triggers are blind, irrational but very real responses.
Anyway, hope that helps.

 

[MyWillow]

Oh yep. Lost 6 months of therapy before I realised what was happening. My T had been gently asking where I went but I would just snap back “nowhere”. She is trying to keep the lid on things after this all escalated to flashbacks and other fun stuff. So now we are trying to focus on stabilisation. But it ain’t that easy and I’ve had some cracking sessions that take days to recover from. We don’t talk about it either - it used to frustrate me because I hate being out of control. But now I’ve realised it’s about her accepting the dissociation for what it is. If we talked about it I’d be filled with shame and self-hate. Because I turn up to sessions insisting I’m just fine.

 

[Angelwings]

@CelticHarp totally relate! I started showing my T posts I made on here or my...

I have forgotten the majority of things I post here! I go back and read them and have no memory of asking the questions!

 

[Harmonics]

So I have plenty of conversations with my therapist that I don't remember having but i can't bring m...

A previous T did not believe in dissociation. I found out what was going on with me in a college class. A lot of things finally made sense. I had been doing it since I was a kid. If this is the kind of T you have, I would look elsewhere.
My current T has trauma experience, and we started talking about the dissociation starting about four months into therapy. It has changed everything for me because instead of pretending it does not exist, we work on grounding when I need it. If there is something triggering me, we address it. No longer is dissociation the pink elephant in the therapy room. If you have this kind of T, ask to talk about it.

 

[CelticHarp]

Guess what? I did it. I brought up the topic last session and then shut down. It is a start. I guess going slow is the only way to go. Mostly she stared at me the whole time. Awkward!! She asked a few questions I did not want to answer. She drops hints all the time so I know she is trying to show me how much I miss out on. It is me who has to do the work by talking and I don't like it.

 

[hithere]

Guess what? I did it. I brought up the topic last session and then shut down. It is a start. I guess...

ummm, I think she have "talked" about it. Like give suggestions on how you two together can keep you present. My T once suggested tossing a beach ball back and forth. I've pretty much stopped dissociating in sessions now, not because we did that, but using IFS helped me stay present. the only thing without the dissociation is the P A I N is felt like a muthafkr.... dissociating is something I miss now because therapy at times hurts like hell

 

[hithere]

Guess what? I did it. I brought up the topic last session and then shut down. It is a start. I guess...

Good job! Very brave thing to do! I'm not kidding either. sometimes bringing up these hard topics in therapy is HARD!