Asking For Support

[Suzetig]

I'm trying to process what happened at a recent therapy session. We were meeting fortnightly, mainly to give me time to process what was coming up in session but there were also scheduling issues because I travel a lot for work. We had a good session with lots for me to think about which, as the week went on, felt overwhelming. I had a standing agreement with my T that if I was struggling with fortnightly appointments I could contact her and schedule in something weekly, which I did and she immediately found space to see me on my "usual" day of the week.

When I got to session, I felt so ashamed at having to ask for support I got very stuck in trying to explain what was wrong and what I needed from her. From there I got scared that I was doing things wrong, was wasting her time and would be in trouble (not with her, don't know who I thought I was in trouble with) and ended up in this cycle of fear and shame. So, I ended up barely able to speak, with my T working very hard to understand what I needed from her. I'm sure I dissociated at one point because I remember being outside myself urging me to tell her what was happening. She was also trying to get me grounded - in the end I did calm down and come back to myself and T spent a long time making sure I was ok before the session ended.

My memories of the session are really skewed, in that I keep thinking I saw her at night when it was an afternoon appointment. My memory of where we were sitting in relation to each other is off, in that we always sit in the same space in relation to each other but my memory has us sitting differently when I know we weren't. At times in the session I felt her presence more closely than at others, like she was moving closer to me at points and further away at others. While I've dissociated before - but not for a long time - this spacial thing is new for me but I'm guessing it's just another of the things that comes with dealing with trauma.

I've always struggled to ask for support, and in session it felt like I had broken an internal rule of some sort by asking to bring the session forward. The sense of shame was overwhelming though, has anyone else had this in response to asking for reasonable help and support.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't recall ever asking, but I think early in my therapy the therapist would sometimes decide to see me more often or want me to come in earlier.

I wonder if your feeling you were sitting differently in relation to one another had to do with the trauma you were processing. It may be that in that trauma, someone was sitting in relation to you in a similar way to which your memory of the therapy is skewed. Does that make sense??

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Suzetig,

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

What you are describing is typical early PTSD recovery dreck. I remember being where you are. Several of your distressing symptoms feel terrible, but are actually signs of several areas of growth:

• You've pushed yourself to ask for help outside of yourself, which is a HUGE step forward for survivors who have had their trust broken over and over again.
• Somewhere in your brain you found the courage to reach out to your therapist and "allow her in" enough to see your dissociation on display.
• You've gotten through a big barrier to therapy which is the desire to run instead of 'turning towards' whatever has been unlocked in your brain.
• The shame and time, space distortions are residual unprocessed emotions that are "showing themselves" where they can now be accessed in the therapeutic setting and targets for processing.

All difficult and completely not fun, but signs you are forming a strong alliance with your therapist. Tell her about the feelings. She can help you track them through to their origins in your life. Then, she can help you conquer those so they eventually never get triggered outside of therapy where they rule your life.

Keep practicing whatever skills you were using in there that worked to help you get grounded. Those will become new tools you can use whenever you need them to ground yourself.

Get good rest, take healthy nourishment as you can, and do lots of self-comforting. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for making a huge leap forward. You have, and you deserve it.

These feelings will not last long. You'll find they get easier to experience and will teach you about the amazing strength you have inside you that kept you sane all these years. That you got through this is a healthy sign you are working towards being able to process out these traumas and one day they will no longer have the power over you they do now.

Hang in there. It gets better.

 

[Suzetig]

That makes perfect sense BloomInWinter, I've been working with her since January and she's been very careful of me and I am becoming more trusting of her. I do however, feel like running from this process - I know I need to look at past trauma but I also know its not going to be easy so asking her for support was a big deal. There are also issues in there that I've never spoken about and while we weren't going any where near talking about the trauma I did feel overwhelmed.

SheilaKathy, thanks too. I was seeing my therapist weekly and moved to fortnightly however we immediately moved back to more frequent meetings after this session. My sessions tend to be longer than the usual hour because she wants to make sure I'm in one piece before we finish, she's on holiday just now so I have a week or so before I can talk this through with her.

 

[Changing4Best]

Lean on us @Suzetig as often and as much as you need to. Others will answer you too, I'm sure.

 

[Rumors]

Your comments about feeling shameful and like you are in trouble could have come out of my mouth. I think it is pretty awesome that you were able to ask for an appointment. Maybe you should try writing down what is going on and hand it to your therapist? It may be an easier transition. It feels foreign to ask for help especially when you have always done it on your own. It is scary to trust someone that much.