Avoiding all my male coworker peers

[Echkae]

I don't know why I do this. I feel as though it's my subconscious controlling me and making me avoid my male coworker peers at all costs. It sucks ass, all I want is to be able to have a normal conversation with them without thinking they have an ulterior motive. I'd say I'm mostly lesbian (I don't know if my trauma contributed to this) so it's not like I want to sleep with them at all. Now to the trauma.

My parents always had a rocky relationship. They definitely fought way way more than they showed intimacy. When they did fight, they would rarely solve the issue. My dad would resort to physical violence as well or threatening our lives. I remember my dad was driving us from church and my parents got in a fight. My dad screamed and threatened to crash the car if my mom keeps talking.

Also, when I was around 12, my dad pushed my mother down the stairs and her head started gushing out blood for two days straight. I thought she was going to die because a loss of blood. I was so scared to even call the police, too scared of ending up like my mother, and too scared of my own father. I hate myself for it.

I don't want to be a victim though. I want control in my life. I don't want to be afraid of guys my age. I want to be able to trust again.

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps you can challenge the idea of "all" men being like what you experienced with your father.

 

[Echkae]

Perhaps you can challenge the idea of "all" men being like what you experienced with your father.[...

Yeah dude, I definitely know that not all guys are like that because I'm mostly fine with adult or younger guys. It's just the ones around my age. Even then I know they're not all bad.

 

[The Albatross]

10 Primary Cognitive Distortions (negative Thinking Styles)
Might be a good place to start?

 

[Nessa7]

It sounds like you have a phobia. You are probably already taking some steps towards conquering it. You are spending time with men. You know what caused you to develop your phobia. If you are working on dealing with these traumatic experiences in therapy, that is another way that you are working on overcoming your phobia. Have you done CBT before? It is also used to treat phobias. If you've done it before, going back through your materials might help you find some tools that will help you work on this.

 

[Friday]

This might also be useful to you
Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

 

[Mach123]

I don't know why I do this. I feel as though it's my subconscious controlling me and making me avoid my...

Hi thanks you sound just like me. I was lying here thinking about where I fit and what I want to write today if anything, or if I want to 'avoid' this board altogether or if I want to go read 'male survivor ' which is another board that I find like a horror movie, so I avoid it.

I think you are seeing disassociation in your feelings and actions (maybe IMO). You feel drawn to them and you want to avoid them at the same time which you find confusing. Just thinking about feeling like that makes me want to scream. I don't want to talk about it but that's all I want to talk about.

My subconscious is not controlling me as much anymore because the whole thing is exposed and right out in the open because of therapy. Now I have to find a way to 'get on with it'. I feel like maybe I can stop avoiding everything and do something because it's actually what I want and not just a response to something else or something from the past. It's a process I know. Thanks for your post.