Awkwardly Trying To Be Intimate

[Irene]

Hi,

I have been friends with this great guy for about seven years now. Recently, we have been talking about having an intimate relationship. Physically, nothing has happened between us yet. We are both trauma survivors, so I don't expect that either of us are ready to rush into this.

I've been struggling a lot with this. Prior to this, all my previous relationships were started when I was drunk.

I got to numb out all this anxiety and pain that comes up when I start getting close to someone, and now there's nothing to block it out. I have been sober 10+ years now, and have avoided intimate relationships up until now.

I feel so frustrated that I want more than anything to be able to show the affection I feel for him, yet when I think of even holding his hand, it feels overwhelming. I get this horrible feeling that things will get out of control and I won't be able to stop it. He knows about my sexual abuse history, and I'm able to be open with him about it. Lately, it's been a lot of opening up a bit to him about what's going on with me, and then starting to shut down and withdraw.

This is exhausting! I'm in therapy, and I am very committed to figuring out how to navigate this relationship stuff. I've gotten very good at keeping people at a distance, and I really want to work on improving this.

Thanks for reading-I appreciate any feedback!

 

[Pencil]

I got to numb out all this anxiety and pain that comes up when I start getting close to someone, and now there's nothing to block it out. I have been sober 10+ years now, and have avoided intimate relationships up until now.

I'm not in therapy and I have no idea how to deal with this, so I ignore it. This is just to say I have no clue - just that I relate 100%. Any closeness, never mind intimacy, is like a massive trigger, so the result is a mess that would be difficult for a therapist to contain, and obviously destroys the relationship. I hope you'll get to make progress, and I'll be watching this space.

 

[bell]

No real words of wisdom, just that I really understand this, more than most. When I was self-destructive, things were easier (but still not anywhere near okay), and now I feel like a teenager wondering, "Wait, what do I do?" :)

Personally, I have come to find it almost funny, but have yet to find someone else who can join me in that and have *fun* with it, vs. feeling inadequate and totally stupid.

But, like you, I hate the "out of control" feeling that happens, and that was the main reason I didn't even think about dating anyone for years. However, lately, I've come to realize that I can be in control of what happens with the right kind of guy. That I don't have to worry about things "getting out of control" because a) I'm no longer drinking til I black out and b) I can really be in control with the kind of guy who cares about me, instead of me just being a warm body.

We can control the situation and beat this. I can, you can, and yes, @Pencil, you can, too! :) But the first step is valuing ourselves enough to realize that the control is ours to take, and is not for anyone to take away from us anymore.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate Irene to the struggle, and also relate to being able to initiate other relationships with some liquid courage/booze. Only my first relationship started without booze. Alcohol being a disinhibiter, I was able to be intimate but have not been able to do so with quite some time. My new shrink is a Cognitive Behavior Therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

[Pencil]

It is being flooded with emotions that belong to the past that is difficult to deal with. That does not mean that I become out of control or act out, but that it creates so much fear and emotional turmoil that I can't focus on the relationship and the other person. I can't do the fun part. Emotionally I recoil. Oh, did I mention 'attachment disorder'? And each relationship I've been in reinforced it.

Zero interest in going down that road again.

 

[bell]

@Pencil, I get flooded, too. :( To where I can't concentrated on anything, either, and it sucks. And given the fact that I was way too drunk to remember much that happened to me in some cases, I don't even know what I'm scared of, just that I'm terrified and I want to get the hell out of there as fast as I can.

Dating for me is like having a bear chasing me. I always think I can outrun the bear, but the bear always catches up with me and I bolt, sometimes without reason or excuse. I've been hanging out with a few guys that are interested as friends, and have been specific about wanting to get to know them as people first and then re-assess if I want to be in a relationship with them. I've found that calling the shots has made the bear slow down a bit, even though the bear is still there, it's slowing down, which is a big change.

 

[Pencil]

I've found that calling the shots has made the bear slow down a bit, even though the bear is still there, it's slowing down

Makes a lot of sense. But what will happen if you do decide to go into a relationship? Will you get flooded then or be able to stay in control?

 

[Irene]

Hi everyone,
Wow, thank you all for for your kind words and understanding. It's helpful to remember that I can put the brakes on at any time. I feel hopeful about this, especially because we have a really solid, established friendship. I just have to remind myself, that he is here because of me, first of all, not just sex. It is hard to rewire these beliefs. In my twenties, I was very promiscuous, which way reinforced that belief. I'm remembering a lot of old habits now-I would nearly always be the initiator, and not always because I wanted to but because I couldn't stand the anxiety of waiting for him to initiate sex.

Anyhow, we have a date today to go a science museum, and afterwards I want what I've been going through. Yesterday, we spent time together and I was pretty quiet and checked out. Just want to remind him that it's not him.

 

[I<3GeorgeGlass]

First, I am another who can relate with awkward intimacy. In fact,when I first read the title of this post I kind of laughed and thought, "huh, that could be the title of my biography if it were ever written!" (I know this is a serious topic and I hope that didn't come across as insensitive. Just had to laugh at myself.)

Seriously, though, you have a lot going for you here. You are committed to figuring this out - that's about half the battle right there! And your partner has a similar background, so he probably understands better than most. Plus, you two have been friends for 7 years, so you already know and trust each other. I know it's scary (boy, do I know!) but this sounds like the ideal situation for a relationship: a safe environment where you two can find a pace that works for you both.

I think focusing on communication, trust, and letting yourselves be in the moment will really help. I'm happy for you two that you have each other. Have fun on your date!

 

[ghotiff]

I'm remembering a lot of old habits now-I would nearly always be the initiator, and not always because I wanted to but because I couldn't stand the anxiety of waiting for him to initiate sex

If this is what you used to do, but don't want to anymore....is an option to schedule the intimacy. Its maybe not that romantic, but your partner sounds understanding. For example if you know that for all days (except eg Tuesdays) the rule is no touching....then you can stay relaxed on most of your dates, and only have to be worried about pushing your comfort zones on eg Tuesdays...and you could also have your Tuesday date as the 'short' one, or 'daytime' one or 'in public' one or whatever works to minimise any additional anxiety levels. Also, this means that if you're having a bad week you can cancel Tuesday, but still date him the other days and not shut him out completely.

 

[Elizabite]

I'm new to the site and have PTSD from multiple causes, including DV. I started seeing someone 6 months ago and our relationship has gone down the intimacy road, which is very difficult for me. I have to go slow and I have a lot of triggers I also fear I am burning him out because I'm so complicated. I had a huge PTSD set back last week and he had to take a day off from me. It was too much. I am glad and relieved he can take care of himself but when it happened, it felt like abandonment . All I can do is say again and again this is not your fault anyone would find this overwhelming. But in the middle of it I am terrified. So, go slow as u like everything will keep.