Bad Bad Place

[Fadeaway]

I feel lost and scared. I feeling like I am screaming into the wind and no one is hearing me. It seems like in every aspect of my life, every person I try to communicate with everyone is hearing something different than what I am trying to express. So it it every single person pretty much, the problem must be me right?

since my husband timed it, I know 7 hours was spent last night me trying to explain one concept to him. Something i have tried to explain for years, something I crave and need so badly.

I started off trying to be as direct as I could, using allegories that he hates, tried drawing examples, tried using physical object as representations gave examples of times I did it for him, which he told me I was wrong to do, but i was only because he didn't like it, but I crave it for myself.

I keep asking what action can I take that would cause a specific result to occur. I keep getting told by him what not to do, but not doing anything at all leads to nothing.

I feel so insecure and adrift at sea. My TT, I love here, but she thinks empowering me to figure things out on my own is what I need, but I don't trust my own judgement, because I fail myself every damn time.. I need instructions, I need to learn the skills I never learned as a child. I very much having been feeling like i want her to tell me "do this" but she won't.

I need so desperately though for that I need an anchor I need an action A will equal action B. It is a sense of security thing I need. like flipping on a light switch knowing that the light is going to come on, but I panic every time that I do turn on a light switch and the light will be burned out.

I am so scared of monday. I think I would rather die right no I am not ok.

 

[Deleted member 32731]

That's me everyday of my life. Sorry, I cannot give you an answer as I am feeling the same way. However, I do understand. I can offer you solace in the fact that I'm going through that, and I do know exactly what you're saying-I come from the same place.

 

[Ruby5]

Fadeaway I read your post on chat but I just missed you. Try doing things that use your different senses. It really helps calm me if I look around and do something like count how many red things are around me, rub my feet on the jute rug, pinch my hand with a binder clip. Sensory "grounding" I think helps activate other parts of the brain away from the anxiety. Putting on talk radio also helps. Hope you can manage to get out of the spell sooner rather than later, hugs

 

[Recovery4Me]

I started off trying to be as direct as I could, using allegories that he hates, tried drawing examples, tried using physical object as representations gave examples of times I did it for him, which he told me I was wrong to do, but i was only because he didn't like it, but I crave it for myself.

I have experienced first hand that very quote in order to connect a part of myself that seemed so alone. I understand the desperation to not feel isolated in a certain space, thought, emotion or feeling. There are many of us here that will 'get' you on this raw ache, it is embedded within the human psyche, expressed within art, culture, music, and words. It is that place inside the demands connection to another soul.

It is going to be OK. We are here.:hug::hug:

 

[StarChild]

Something i have tried to explain for years, something I crave and need so badly.

Dear @Fadeaway, would it be of help for you, if you would share with us, what it is, that you need so badly?.. - It's only a thought though, so please feel absolutely free, to not answer my question.

Or is there something we could do to help you in your struggle right now? And no, I don't think that you're the problem. You're a very sensitive and gentle woman, who's fighting a massive fight. Yes, unfortunately there are times in our lives, of misunderstandings, that's not an uncommon recurrence. Even among "normalos".

We're here and listen to you. You're not alone.

 

[hodge]

I want to help, too, Fadeaway. You are a very kind and decent person. Do you think it might be helpful to consult a different therapist? I have really needed someone to help me figure out things, and I never had a therapist who told me I have to figure it out on my own. That's what I'm paying her for!

:hug:s, honey.

 

[Recovery4Me]

That's what I'm paying her for!

(((hugs))) That sentence helped me to smile! However, we must do the math as our therapist leads us through the equation. Our lives are still ours to own and discover whom we are and what we need. imho

 

[hodge]

I agree, Recovery4Me, but there was a time that I was so incredibly lost that I really needed someone to guide me. That's where I was going with that. I mean, I had lived for 40-some years knowing myself (or so I thought), being highly successful at a career and doing lots of good things in life in general. I basically collapsed with the onset of PTSD and felt totally lost, as if my whole life had been a lie, a deception that I was now paying for. It's not too much of an exaggeration to say I didn't know up from down in those days. I was a total basketcase. I needed a social worker to come to my house on a weekly basis and help me with things. Oh, cr*p, I don't want to take over Fadeaway's thread, but felt I needed to explain why I said what I did. :-)

 

[Recovery4Me]

@hodge ...you did good! (((hugs))))

 

[Panda Bear]

Fade, I'm not sure what to say :( I really care that you're here, and will be thinking about you.

This is a process and you're doing the best!

 

[hodge]

Thank you, Recovery4Me. I appreciate the hugs and return them :hug:s

 

[oasis2003]

@Fadeaway :hug: it is so difficult to verbalise frightening things sometimes I can relate you are not alone.