Being Compared Affected Me

[Let It Be]

It seems that I need to write about what I'm feeling now. It does go back to my mother. I have been trying so hard to get past this "less than" feeling, which probably was triggered also by what my counselor said to me the last time I saw her.

She said that I needed to get a massage by this one person, because her mother wasn't as bad as yours. First, of all, how dare she made that comment.

What it comes down to is how the counselor was "comparing" my mother to this other person's. I have lived with being compared to my sister my entire life. When my mother was alive and would call Me, she was calling to tell me the latest about my sister. Everyone knew that my sister was her favorite, the one that had the professional career, great husband, great kids who went to college, a house you would dream about, so thus, where did I fit in, the point is I didn't.

So many times, I would just take a back seat to so many situations with work, even with family, because I was "less than" my sister. Even last year when my brother was rushed to the hospital by ambulance, he waited days to call me, but the first thing, he told me was that he had called my sister first. Of course, I was the one who would always listen to him, until, I had to put myself first.

It's a new feeling for me, to realize that I don't have to always feel "less than" but have lived with that for a very long time. Thanks, being compared to another sibling, sure affected me in so many ways, but it is kinda nice, to discover and feel okay, just being me.:)

 

[Let It Be]

So this weekend, I was very busy in the garage, getting things sorted, and even came across my yearbooks from high school. Oh, what those years were like, family stuff going on, etc. so then what do I receive in the mail. A flyer announcing that it is time for a Reunion. Won't tell you how many years it has been, but it's been a few too many.

So, the flyer gives me information on how to get on-line. I go there and all the classmates in my graduating class are listed. It's amazing to see all these names. You are able to look at their profile, and read up about what they have been doing all these years, children, etc.

No, I won't be going to the reunion, no way, different city, etc. but I did have to come back here and write about this.

Let's see, how to answer the question, so what have you been doing all these years since we graduated from high school?

They will never know!;)

 

[Let It Be]

I just had to come back here and write about this.

I have received an e-mail from a guy I went to high school with. He said that his work brings him to where I live. Small world! I did reply back to him. I even looked at his profile and he's married, kids, etc.

I have just received another e-mail from him. He says that he will be in this area next week and that it would be nice for him to see me. Of course, we wouldn't recognize each other!

Am I up to this? Oh boy, what should I do? Will need to reply back to him. This is extremely new territory for me.

 

[Let It Be]

I haven't replied to this guy about the possibility of seeing him next week. I know now I can't. After I posted this, I became so anxious, that I couldn't sleep. Yesterday, I got a massage, and my neck and shoulders were so tight from the thought of this old classmate wanting to see me again.

Once I realized that I do not have to see him, I began to feel better. He asked where I work, so he could stop by. I will probably just wait to hear back from him, and then come up with something to tell him, that it wouldn't work out, etc. Hopefully, he won't pursue it, once I say something to him.

For a brief while, I was caught up in that feeling of being 18 again. Someone that I went to high school with, wanted to see me. I do remember that I had a "crush" on him, but we never dated, etc. I wonder what his feelings were about me, to want to see me. Oh well, it was like anxiety came up for a reason, and I have to listen to it!