DogwoodTree
Platinum Member
I just watched this Alan Robarge video:
https://youtu.be/KAWcnFP-4Oc
He talks about how the internal construct of "mother" is different from the actual person who I call Mother, who is also different from the universal archetype of mothering.
So, I totally get the first distinction. I don't present myself to my kids the same way I present myself with my husband or friends or relatives or colleagues or whatever. I, the "me", am a composite of all of those and more. So the internal construct my kids have of me is not the complete me, it's only formed in response to the parts of me they've seen (both good and bad) over time, which was also modified through their own personal filters (my Thinker daughter perceives me very differently than my Feeler daughter does, even in the same interaction).
It's the 2nd differentiation I'm intrigued by. Alan asks towards the end of the video, how do we receive mothering from the world around us? And then he asks the same thing of fathering.
At first, as he described briefly what he meant by universal mothering, it seemed completely foreign to me. I can't think of anyone who nurtures me for my own sake, the way a mother should have. And yet, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if that's not somewhat a result of my own filter rather than having a complete dearth of nurturing care. If I never learned to recognize mothering and to receive it, then I wouldn't notice it even when it comes into my life. Same thing with a father's protection and guidance.
So, I'm not really trying to identify "mother-figures" or "father-figures" in my life because I don't really have any. No one was ever safe enough to trust them with my needs like that. But I'm trying to recognize ways in which the world around me--or within me--provides mothering and fathering for me, at least a little bit.
I started a new, part-time job recently, and the person who trained me was so patient and helpful. As I apologized over and over for having questions, he said it really wasn't a problem at all and everyone wanted me to succeed, so of course it was fine to have questions. This feels a little bit like mothering.
A new friend at church (my first real-friend ever) has patiently and attentively listened to whatever I've been willing to share with her about my past and current struggles. Not only that, but she shares her struggles in return. I don't know...I think that's more "friend" that "mother."
I'm getting better at acknowledging my need to be protected from abusive people in my life. I make decisions to not over-expose myself to those people. I make decisions that they're often not happy with, in order to provide for my own needs and protect myself. That feels a little bit like fathering.
I went no-contact with my dad almost 2 years ago, and low-contact with my mom (they're divorced but still in regular contact with each other because of my sisters). There's been a ton of drama over this, but I've held my ground and learned to not "take care of them" through it. For the first time ever in my entire life, they actually feel a little bit like *parents* to me instead of being unpredictable liabilities who I must manage and comfort and care for in order to protect all of us. It's sad that they feel more like parents when there's almost no contact, but that's what it took for me to just be myself in these relationships and not be so burdened with taking care of them all the time. It's not that they're giving me what I need, but at the same time, I'm not taking responsibility for their needs, either. I'm leaving them to manage their own emotions, even if they suck at it and blame me that they feel so bad.
"Mother" and "father" have been such repulsive terms to me, because my parents have always been a source of so much pain and conflict with no safety or stability. But I really want to see ways that I've experienced mothering and fathering, even if only in very brief moments, from other sources.
How does the world around you or in you provide some mother-nurturing or some father-guidance?
https://youtu.be/KAWcnFP-4Oc
He talks about how the internal construct of "mother" is different from the actual person who I call Mother, who is also different from the universal archetype of mothering.
So, I totally get the first distinction. I don't present myself to my kids the same way I present myself with my husband or friends or relatives or colleagues or whatever. I, the "me", am a composite of all of those and more. So the internal construct my kids have of me is not the complete me, it's only formed in response to the parts of me they've seen (both good and bad) over time, which was also modified through their own personal filters (my Thinker daughter perceives me very differently than my Feeler daughter does, even in the same interaction).
It's the 2nd differentiation I'm intrigued by. Alan asks towards the end of the video, how do we receive mothering from the world around us? And then he asks the same thing of fathering.
At first, as he described briefly what he meant by universal mothering, it seemed completely foreign to me. I can't think of anyone who nurtures me for my own sake, the way a mother should have. And yet, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if that's not somewhat a result of my own filter rather than having a complete dearth of nurturing care. If I never learned to recognize mothering and to receive it, then I wouldn't notice it even when it comes into my life. Same thing with a father's protection and guidance.
So, I'm not really trying to identify "mother-figures" or "father-figures" in my life because I don't really have any. No one was ever safe enough to trust them with my needs like that. But I'm trying to recognize ways in which the world around me--or within me--provides mothering and fathering for me, at least a little bit.
I started a new, part-time job recently, and the person who trained me was so patient and helpful. As I apologized over and over for having questions, he said it really wasn't a problem at all and everyone wanted me to succeed, so of course it was fine to have questions. This feels a little bit like mothering.
A new friend at church (my first real-friend ever) has patiently and attentively listened to whatever I've been willing to share with her about my past and current struggles. Not only that, but she shares her struggles in return. I don't know...I think that's more "friend" that "mother."
I'm getting better at acknowledging my need to be protected from abusive people in my life. I make decisions to not over-expose myself to those people. I make decisions that they're often not happy with, in order to provide for my own needs and protect myself. That feels a little bit like fathering.
I went no-contact with my dad almost 2 years ago, and low-contact with my mom (they're divorced but still in regular contact with each other because of my sisters). There's been a ton of drama over this, but I've held my ground and learned to not "take care of them" through it. For the first time ever in my entire life, they actually feel a little bit like *parents* to me instead of being unpredictable liabilities who I must manage and comfort and care for in order to protect all of us. It's sad that they feel more like parents when there's almost no contact, but that's what it took for me to just be myself in these relationships and not be so burdened with taking care of them all the time. It's not that they're giving me what I need, but at the same time, I'm not taking responsibility for their needs, either. I'm leaving them to manage their own emotions, even if they suck at it and blame me that they feel so bad.
"Mother" and "father" have been such repulsive terms to me, because my parents have always been a source of so much pain and conflict with no safety or stability. But I really want to see ways that I've experienced mothering and fathering, even if only in very brief moments, from other sources.
How does the world around you or in you provide some mother-nurturing or some father-guidance?
