Hello everyone on this forum, both old and new.
I always pause a moment before starting an introduction post. At first consideration, I want to meet the people here and have them comfortable with me reading their stories and adding my own thoughts and advice. The immediate follow up is that I'm here to talk about me and try to find support to keep the insanity at bay.
I hope that I will be able to befriend and share advice to better aid others that are here.
I am 33 years old and the mother of two wonderful daughters. Due to the circumstances of my growning up (frequent moves among many states), I was a loner and at a young age developed baseline anxiety issues. I had a few obsessive, compulsive tendencies and would be prone to days of high anxiety. I found myself very uncomfortable in the presence of strong emotion. I have had what my therapist calls as avoidance issues with emotions.
I married a man who was very content and very laid-back. We never fought. The problem was that as we matured, we became increasingly bored with each other. It resulted in a divorce. One we handled peacefully and amicably, working together on joint parenting.
Then, into my life, came a tumulous storm of high energy. He was a man that was exciting, dominant, arousing, and so much more. He twisted and turned me inside out. We fought, we yelled, he woke my temper in ways that I never thought possible. Somehow I found myself trapped by abuse mentally and emotionally. I was shamed. I was filled with guilt. It wasn't until my children said they didn't want to visit anymore that I found the strength to end the relationship.
When I told him that our relationship was over, he ultimately took his own life. He left me hurtful notes and messages... I am the one who found his corpse and had to call the police.
I was in shock for several months. THen I was seriously avoiding everything. Work was struggling, my sanity was slipping, I was having flash backs of his body, I didn't know what to do. Then my doctor said I needed to get back in with a therapist and start working things through.
She says I'm now at the point where I am thawing. I am finally grieving. I feel like a brittle glass figurine. The tears stand at the ready, prepared to fall at any moment. I still can't dare to look at anything of his without painful sobs. Some days I am so tired. She says grief is painful and I won't like it. I don't. I want to quit my job. Pack up my possessions and run away. I want to go just hide in my parent's farm.
I don't know if I should try to take some leave from work, maybe a couple of weeks would help me. What do you all think? Does taking time off help or does it give you more time to fester on thoughts that should be left alone?
Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciate.
Thank you,
Jinxies
I always pause a moment before starting an introduction post. At first consideration, I want to meet the people here and have them comfortable with me reading their stories and adding my own thoughts and advice. The immediate follow up is that I'm here to talk about me and try to find support to keep the insanity at bay.
I hope that I will be able to befriend and share advice to better aid others that are here.
I am 33 years old and the mother of two wonderful daughters. Due to the circumstances of my growning up (frequent moves among many states), I was a loner and at a young age developed baseline anxiety issues. I had a few obsessive, compulsive tendencies and would be prone to days of high anxiety. I found myself very uncomfortable in the presence of strong emotion. I have had what my therapist calls as avoidance issues with emotions.
I married a man who was very content and very laid-back. We never fought. The problem was that as we matured, we became increasingly bored with each other. It resulted in a divorce. One we handled peacefully and amicably, working together on joint parenting.
Then, into my life, came a tumulous storm of high energy. He was a man that was exciting, dominant, arousing, and so much more. He twisted and turned me inside out. We fought, we yelled, he woke my temper in ways that I never thought possible. Somehow I found myself trapped by abuse mentally and emotionally. I was shamed. I was filled with guilt. It wasn't until my children said they didn't want to visit anymore that I found the strength to end the relationship.
When I told him that our relationship was over, he ultimately took his own life. He left me hurtful notes and messages... I am the one who found his corpse and had to call the police.
I was in shock for several months. THen I was seriously avoiding everything. Work was struggling, my sanity was slipping, I was having flash backs of his body, I didn't know what to do. Then my doctor said I needed to get back in with a therapist and start working things through.
She says I'm now at the point where I am thawing. I am finally grieving. I feel like a brittle glass figurine. The tears stand at the ready, prepared to fall at any moment. I still can't dare to look at anything of his without painful sobs. Some days I am so tired. She says grief is painful and I won't like it. I don't. I want to quit my job. Pack up my possessions and run away. I want to go just hide in my parent's farm.
I don't know if I should try to take some leave from work, maybe a couple of weeks would help me. What do you all think? Does taking time off help or does it give you more time to fester on thoughts that should be left alone?
Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciate.
Thank you,
Jinxies
