Boyfriend's Work Christmas Party

[saoirserylyn]

My boyfriend works for a very popular video game company, so naturally their Christmas party is going to be a huge extravagant party lasting until 2am. The theme is steam punk circus. There will be people wearing provocative costumes, performers, loud music, an oxygen bar, etc.
He RSPVed for the two of us to go. However, I'm having doubts about going because of my PTSD. I'm afraid the environment will overall be too stressful and overwhelming for me. I really want to go in order to support him and his career, he thinks it's very important that we do this together. I've already decided that I'm going to take my xanax before the party to help mellow me out a little bit, but I'm worried. He asked his boss about the party and his boss said it will probably be too much for me to handle.

Does anyone have any advice for ways to handle this so that I can go without freaking or stressing out. I don't want to ruin his experience at this party, I want my boyfriend to have a good time. I just don't want him to spend the whole night wondering if I'm okay. So, have any of you had to do something scary in order to be supportive of someone else in your life? How did you get through it?

I'm mostly nervous about needing to be social around his coworkers, I'm very shy and timid and have a hard time interacting with strangers. I'm also worried about triggers as my trauma involved a loud party type atmosphere at times. Please help, I really want to go through with this and have everything be okay. If you think that I shouldn't go, please say so, don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm just wanting some honest and/or helpful responses here.

 

[Julesnaz]

Could you take 2 cars or some kind of seperate transportation so if you need to leave you can and he can stay? You can always tell people you had a second obligation so know one knows anything personal. Most people do have multiple parties that time of year.

 

[rightkindofme]

First: as someone married to a computer engineer... it is very unlikely that your presence (or not) will have much impact on his career. If it does... he's not very good at his job.

If YOU don't want to go, don't go. I don't go every year. I go sometimes, when I feel like it. When I'm in the mood. When I'm having a year where I would spend the party in the bathroom crying... it's stupid for me to go.

In MY opinion (and only my opinion) if you feel like you don't want to go the ABSOLUTE most you should do is an hour and then leave. And in my opinion if you agree to an hour he should agree to be supportive and leave with you then. That's a compromise for both of you.

If you go and feel miserable then it isn't a compromise. It is him getting his way and that's not healthy. Your needs matter too.

 

[Friday]

These are the kinds of things I either absolutely adore (OMFG seriously, seriously love)... Or absolutely cannot handle in any way, shape, or form. And I also don't usually know which way the coin will land until the moment of! :P

My favorite fix?

A hotel room. Nearby. Posh. All-by-myself luxury. That way zeh beaux can go on to the party and I can sink in bubbles and bathrobes and spa treatments and movies and sleep. Totally spoil myself purring. He doesn't feel guilty. I'm not feeling like a stick in the mud. Reserve it in advance, and if we both go to the party, we just go to the hotel afterward & late checkout.

 

[Karen12]

If you go can you take breaks now and then in some quiet room or office or maybe your car, away from the party and noise? Listen to some relaxing music, stretch, meditate, etc.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Thank you so much for all of the advice! There's some really great stuff in this thread so far that I can actually use.

The party starts around 7pm and ends around 2am. That's seven hours of completely being overwhelmed. I offered the idea of the two of us leaving early, but he told me that's not an option as its very important that he stays the entire night. Can't really argue with him there as it is his company party and it does only happen once a year.

I'm contemplating the idea of bringing my own car and leaving early. Initially, he told me he'd feel guilty if something happened and I needed to leave. But I'm thinking if we try discussing it again, that idea may still be feasible if I can warm him up to this idea some more. I've also told him that if I bring a pack of cigarettes with me, so I can two outside to smoke when I get overwhelmed - it may help me self regulate. He shot that idea down because he doesn't want me smoking (i quit smoking about a year ago, but I don't see the harm in smoking one night - plus I could chat with the other smokers, I'm always more social outside around smokers for some reason). I'm also thinking of having a back up plan in place in case I have to leave. Like meeting a friend for a movie or something... that way I'm not back at the apartment alone balling my eyes out because I feel too messed up to be able to go to a party to support my boyfriend. Afterall, this is something I wish I could do, but the reality of the situation is that my life is much different now.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have never heard of people "having" to stay for an after hours seven hour long party. I'm skeptical.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate to say this, but you are looking for PROACTIVE ways to get through this party AND support your boyfriend but he is giving you the "its my way or the highway" sort of response. I'm sorry, but that does NOT work with PTSD, and if he holds fast to his guns, its most likely to backfire on him. With PTSD, flexibility is the name of the game. I don't see him budging an inch.

My family is THRILLED if I last 2 hours at a party. We always have a code phrase if someone wants/needs to leave early. Last time it was "did you remember to feed the dog?" A seven hour party would mean an almost certain shutdown afterward that could be up to a week long for me.

Does your boyfriend understand that this is how you are now, and the old you isn't going to suddenly pop up tomorrow? Yes, we can heal, but in many cases, the old "us" is gone. Even when we return to being quite functional, we still need to manage our stress levels, so 7 hour off the wall parties may never quite be in the cards for us.

 

[saoirserylyn]

He does compromise with me the majority of the time, we have our disagreements like any relationship, but I can tell by the way he's been acting that this party means a whole lot to him. It's his first year working for this company and he really wants to make a good impression and seem like he's involved (he's aiming for a promotion at the moment). Hence his feeling of needing my support and wanting me to be there with him.

I've already alerted him that we need to have a serious conversation about this matter when he gets home from work in a couple of hours. I'm hoping he'll seem more supportive of my needs this time around once I present him with the details. Thanks so much everyone! All of these responses have helped so much and I'd love to hear any more recommendations or maybe things I could discuss with him. I'm horrible about communicating my needs in a given situation, which usually backfires on me.

 

[Ellabella44]

yeah i think the two cars is best case scenario... Ive gone to halloween parties with my husband where i not only have to watch everyone drink ( im 3 months sober) but also have to be social .... that wore thin for me at about 4 hours and luckily my husband was understanding when i said that i thought it was time to go.. my social anxiety had decided to make an appearance by then ...

we also had a family gathering on his side and i didnt have my own car, i was so anxious i spent most of it walking up and down their street to be away from everyone... wish i had thought to bring the car. then i could have said i didnt feel well all of a sudden and gone home.

smile, wave , greet people with him ... then suddenly you need to go home feeling sick or the prior obligation .. anyone will understand that... and if you are feeling anxious people will wonder if you are feeling ok so sick is entirely acceptable in that case. as far as anyone else knows a friend is coming to get you and he can stay and take himself home... no mater how long you end up staying.. and if anything else doesnt work.. bringing your own car gives you an out if absolutely necessary... good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You are a good writer. To me that makes you smart, interesting and people like that. You may end up having a blast and engaged in conversation. It's the anticipation of the social event that's the source of your distress. I hope it ends up being fun at least there will be food and drink.

 

[joeylittle]

I've also told him that if I bring a pack of cigarettes with me, so I can two outside to smoke when I get overwhelmed - it may help me self regulate. He shot that idea down because he doesn't want me smoking (i quit smoking about a year ago, but I don't see the harm in smoking one night - plus I could chat with the other smokers, I'm always more social outside around smokers for some reason).

Just a quick comment on this one - as a smoker who quit for about a year and then re-upped - you'll probably feel really sick if you do this. But if you want the psychological aid, try getting one of those vaping things and load it with no nicotine. All of the experience, none of the substance. It could help.

And all the other things: have two cars, back-up plans with a friend (that could even be they come over and hang out at your place), how about can you bring your own friend to the party? Since he will likely be trying to be visible and doing the rounds with employers, and you will likely not want to be tied to the hip with him all the time...Also, ask him straight out if he wants you there as a security blanket for him. It just might help you to know that you have a task at this party - helping him feel confident - as opposed to, you are supposed to enjoy yourself.

I hate social functions like this and often had to do them in my old job. My ex was so social-phobic that it was actually less stressful on me to just ask him to stay for me to do one walk-over with him to whoever I needed to log a "here's me with my plus-1" moment with, and then send him home. He was my security blanket for the important bits, and then I let him off the hook.

Ultimately - you really do get to choose for yourself exactly how you want to handle this whole thing. Don't let him make you do something you aren't really willing to do - that is going to just be a bad moment in your relationship that it will take awhile to recover from, and its not worth it.