C-ptsd: Fragments With Dissociation.

[Nope]

I was feeling bizarre last night. Several issues had been bothering me and the neighbours who are in the process of eviction had been spitefully loud and anti-social right up to midnight. All that noise chipped away at my resistance as I have almost misophonic-like noise sensitivity.

In the status I was wondering about why I had decided to send a letter but that's not what's relevant here. I'd like to give you the excerpt and then get to asking/saying what I want to, if you don't mind. You can just skip the excerpt if you like, it's a bit long:


Huh. I'm noticing an aggressive feeling. Although I would never do such a thing, it feels close to almost murder. I speculate it is an accumulation of reactions towards many rather than one. C-PTSD. I will have to ask on the forums and see if that is normal, to suddenly feel such a way.

I couldn't say I feel angry anymore though; the noises from the neighbours have stopped. I barely remember what it was like with the person as my brain is hyper-wired to force detachment once the pain has dulled. In fact, it seems like I could be floating now.

There is no sense in it. Maybe it is humanity in general which has me like this. Obviously there are several others and the Internet to dislike.

Oh no. I think I might be shutting down. I wasted time today, didn't get what I meant to do done, partly because of this wondering over whether the message will be seen and read.

What am I looking for? In fact, right now I'm not sure who I am, only that my legs and feet are bound to stop the latter from paddling. The scarf around my feet could be too tight; it hurts and burns a little but that sensation is far away.

I spoke of fragments to an alter in a host body on one of the mental health forms and in trying to explain them and how they appear different, I had to give them some names. I said the Psychopath likes to wait until I am detached to step out. It feels like a male. It is still me, Nyx, but I'm genderqueer so that's no matter.

At the beginning of the status I was Nyx and simply confused. Now I am cold, distant, and I'm not sure anything can touch me. The room doesn't seem real but the Psychopath likes it that way. Its just a fragment, it shouldn't have a name or gender. and it can't make me do anything.

Who did this to me? Was it only the womb? Was it all of them? Does it matter if they meant it or not? The fragment doesn't think it matters. It doesn't suggest fury, it suggests disdain. It doesn't "trust" others, yet that is a curious word.

Nyx hasn't thought about the separations in a while as they are not the same as what is discussed. There is an amount of control and what is said is remembered. They don't happen much or didn't from a few months ago stretching back a few years.

The Scared Child is often a visiting fragment. She isn't real, she's just an earlier Nyx. Different name. The old name. That name keeps appearing in the head recently.

This is nothing like psychosis - not that I know of. And now it's fading back. Falling in on itself, or rather, into me. There's another body sensation like being part of a breeze. I'm not sure what I am writing but I know I want to post it. I always want to post, it gets it out from inside and hiding it in a journal gives no warnings and every journal I ever had was read anyway.


I think I should simply pose some questions instead of trying to discuss mixed feelings:

• How normal is it to fragment with C-PTSD?
• If you read what I shared, is this something that needs to come up immediately with the psychologist if it feels I can control?
• In your opinion, how much and in what ways do these differ from alters?
• Do you experience this and would you share that with me?
• Is the Psychopath one to worry about? All it has done is think, type, talk. I am still me.
• Should all fragments be destroyed or reabsorbed or absorbed? I like the Child ones. Although they get worried, it takes the pressure off me most of the time.
• Is it psychosis?

To clarify, the "old name" is my birth name which I legally changed. Abusive "mother" ("the womb"), starter of C-PTSD. As well as that, the legs and feet were bound to stop what actually appears to be a painfully fast and hard to control stim instead of Restless Legs Syndrome.

Anybody who doesn't know: in a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder and I think some others, the host is the original body and personality while the alters are the other personalities which have appeared over time. They are, I suppose, grown up fragments which can take control. A host normally does not remember that period of time. They can be quite various in age, gender, temperament, activity, etc. and I personally feel that connecting with the healthy alters and either reaching consensus with others or casting them out with the help of a psychotherapist is key. In a way, I don't think all alters are inherently unhealthy, only a problem when the host feels they are. Some people don't want them at all, some feel they are family. My offline friend actually has a few and they are not overt as well as being friendly. She said she can't imagine how lonely it must be not to have such friends.

Moved off my point slightly. I'd like to discuss the questions more than that last paragraph, please.

 

[Ronin]

I don't know how to answer 'with C-PTSD' given it isn't a DSM diagnosis and I don't think there's research to say yay or nay either way due to it not being a diagnosis. But with complex trauma itself, childhood especially? Very normal.

From how you wrote about the aggression? Doesn't strike me as something to worry for as against other people. It seemed to be turned more inward, and related specifically to the context of the situation, being overwhelmed, flooded, with no escape from painful stimuli.

I wouldn't label people, fragments alters or not, a clinical diagnosis unless you posess that diagnosis (bodily), simple as that. See above with the thoughts on agression itself.

What you do with your body and your head is your business. There's no 'should'. I don't think we're in a position to tell you, here. I don't think psychiatrists would be in the position to tell you, either. You know yourself/yourselves and how you function best.

As to psychosis, I can't tell you as I don't know how you perceive reality as a whole and how attached you are to it and what not, but. Existence of multiple ego states isn't on itself a psychosis.

 

[Nope]

I don't know how to answer 'with C-PTSD' given it isn't a DSM diagnosis and I don't think there's research

Complex PTSD comes under PTSD in the ICD-10 at the very least and I'm pretty sure it's the same way in the DSM-5. It isn't treated as separate yet despite all those looking into it, which is frustrating because I really don't present in the same manner as PTSD.

Doesn't strike me as something to worry for as against other people.

The Psychopath would like me to kill somebody. I won't do it, obviously. Even if I was going to, I can't leave the house.

I wouldn't label people, fragments alters or not, a clinical diagnosis unless you posess that diagnosis (bodily), simple as that.

I don't know what you mean by bodily? I'm down as C-PTSD, on my notes will be dissociation, and although I never mentioned the fragment, I have told about the aggressive thoughts of murder. They at least know about that, though I had a switch in psychologist, so I'm wondering whether to re-iterate it. I'm not sure why if I know I won't do it. I suppose it's because it kind of burns to think about when not detached. There's a tingling in my arms and such. As I'm waiting on a specialist ASD evaluation, I wound up running into the term alexithymia and it would seem I have some traits. Bizarre bodily sensations is one of them.

You know yourself/yourselves and how you function best.

I'm not entirely convinced by that part, with all due respect. If I did then I wouldn't be asking and a part of alexithymia is not knowing what the heck you or other people are feeling. To function optimally, I need to work out how I want to associate with the fragments now that they've started popping up more often again. It's always hard for me to tell what the best course of action would be. I usually screw up.

how you perceive reality as a whole and how attached you are to it

Well, if it helps, I detach in the various ways quite a bit. I will often have what appear to be autistic shutdowns. There is a lot of the time that the room I am in looks fluffy and the colours are wrong. I have what they would call "magical thinking" but I don't think that is fair when they don't apply it to followers of religions. With agoraphobia I'm in the house all day and, being afraid of the living room, I don't leave my bed.

I guess being under stress from certain life factors has set off the detachment more. The Psychopath thinks it makes sense to get rid of the one who hurt me but it's not like it's pushing all that hard. There's more a fierce sensation that springs up now and then, and once it becomes too much I shutdown or dissociate and that fragment kind of asks what the big deal is anyway and why shouldn't I?

I don't understand many of the emotions that are going on because when I am calm I think I don't mind any more about the person. My head says so and when it checks with the "heart" it seems to agree, even when it burns. I'm not really sure what any of the emotions want me to do about the situation. It's a "case closed" scenario unless I want to go down the route of the sabotaging nutcase, which I don't.

I'll be getting put on a new hormone pill to attempt to control my PMDD - that could be worrying because they have been known to entirely change me.

Basically, I'm not sure who I am or what I think or feel or what is the truth of anything. Friends are mostly noncommittal, on one hand saying the person was acting awful, on the other saying nothing to them and keeping them as an acquaintance/friend. What I thought were the rules aren't.

It sets off the triggers of all the other times similar issues have happened, which reminds me the reasons why I am vulnerable and stupid enough to get into such messes, which in turn triggers all the childhood problems. I keep switching so much from one set of emotions to the next that I feel like I'm coming loose from the ground.

 

[Anarchy]

There's a thread from the last 2 weeks or so, I think it was by Simply Simon, something like "talking like a child, sign of abuse?"
Sorry to be vague, but I don't know how to link from this tablet.

Anyhow, some of the contributors explained how much pleasure they experienced when their young alters and parts were present, child-like joy and excitement at receiving a gift, or playing tig.

That isn't something that anyone else can impose their value judgement on to you for. Alters are parts of you, and so long as they aren't getting you into dangerous situations (like waking up in bed with risky individuals or with complete strangers, or waking up with a bunch of smackheads), why not enjoy them.

Re the psychopath, can you ground yourself when that one comes along? It doesn't come accross as the kind of mind space that you'd want to allow to exercise itself and grow stronger.

There was a thing on radio 4 about 25 years ago, where some "expert" came out with a remark that he thought everyone from time to time had thoughts of torturing or murdering their boss, and that he thought that was normal. The dangerous part was if they found themselves beginning to plan it. Which I think might be broadly true.

That said, I gave up radio 4, years ago. Listen to it and you'll end up hopelessly confused, gas lit and angst ridden, it's a middle class shortcut to psychosis. Mental health forums are infinitely saner than the BBC, or any of the other mainstream media, IMO.

 

[Anarchy]

As an afterthought, I don't know what sort of environment you are living in, in terms of safe and quiet places to walk, things like say a yoga class that is mostly oldies, maybe a gentle aikido class.

In short, gentle and safe ways, people and places for you to do little bit of gradual exposure to your triggers.

 

[Ronin]

There's a thread from the last 2 weeks or so, I think it was by Simply Simon

Yep yep, and it's over there: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/later-abuse-and-regression-alters.55056/ .

 

[Ronin]

The Psychopath would like me to kill somebody. I won't do it, obviously. Even if I was going to, I can't leave the house.

While that isn't something healthy sounding for you, it sounds the whole ideation is more traumatizing to you than it would be a danger to society, which is what you're worried about?

Which reminded me of another thought: Wouldn't actually going out, on your own terms and as safe environs as possible, mean those urges subside, can't they be an expression of a wish to socialize, but not in ways that are harmful to you?

I don't know what you mean by bodily?

Physically, diagnosis you have in papers or is suspected so, something your whole body goes by, not just a very stressed part of you's resembling traits.

I'd be careful about wording and disclosing thoughts of self defense that cross into homicidality as psychopathy, outright homicidality, or whichever else are common terms for it. Plain because it can come bite you in the future. From my experience with medical professionals, homicidal traits aren't generally something one would want on their files, especially not if it's something that's trauma linked. Those people don't GET trauma so often.

It's always hard for me to tell what the best course of action would be. I usually screw up.

Welcome to the club named Whole Humanity. We've got cookies ;)

In seriousness, I think that's something most people struggle with.

'I usually screw up' - sounds like negative self talk, maybe something to look into.

Well, if it helps, I detach in the various ways quite a bit. I will often have what appear to be autistic shutdowns. There is a lot of the time that the room I am in looks fluffy and the colours are wrong. I have what they would call "magical thinking" but I don't think that is fair when they don't apply it to followers of religions.

Autistic shutdowns aren't psychosis.
Last I knew, autism & psychotic spectrum disorders were also mutually exclusive disorders, as per DSM. With the only possible exception being childhood autism, but there the difficulties were to determining which problem is being presented, as the person is too small and diagnostics can be difficult.

Magical thinking as far as I knew was in some way a part of culture, simple as that.

Basis for traditions, for celebrations of values societies consider important & crucial like 'society, nationality, well being'? Are all magical thinking.

The Psychopath thinks it makes sense to get rid of the one who hurt me but it's not like it's pushing all that hard.

Maybe that part needs to hear it's very possible to get rid of who's a nuisance in different ways.

They're called healthy self care, interest in other sensations & seeking out pleasure, refocusing on something else, letting go and all. It isn't an easy process, and since he seems to be a guy who's all about difficult solutions, maybe he could help with that one.

Many emotions going down - I wouldn't get stuck on how it's different. Compartmentalization does that. Process what's current, to the best of your ability, that it isn't your usual normal is something that's best left to worries when it isn't acutely disruptive.

You are who you decide to be. Or possibly who you need to be, but.

If you don't know who you are? You can be anybody. So figure what your needs are, roll from there, in case identity is too moving sand to ground on. Start identity building when you have basic needs you need covered, covered.

 

[Anarchy]

Wish there was a multiple likes button @Cashew

 

[Nope]

Wouldn't actually going out, on your own terms and as safe environs as possible, mean those urges subside, can't they be an expression of a wish to socialize, but not in ways that are harmful to you?

Although the agoraphobia is pretty extreme, I've been able to get out recently. Gamer's café for card/board/tabletop. Had fun playing Dixit which is technically a family-orientated game to encourage imagination in children but you all should check it out. Some of the cards are so surreal. Anyway, I also decided to host a Magic: The Gathering event at the same café and should have seven other people to play against. Finally, the café has two nights a week where it runs Groupless Gamers; My carer and I arrived to late to really talk to people but I made sure to say that on the FB group and was promptly invited to three different local forums which I really should check again after this.

Over the years of the agoraphobia I've had periods where I can make it out more. It's annoying that I feel too unsafe to go one aimless walks anymore. I used to detach and wander around the city centre before the second of my most major breakdowns. I miss that.

why not enjoy them.

If I can convince the anxious child-like fragments not to be as scared, I'm happy for them to be along with me. Usually once what is needed is achieved ("rescuing" the teddies I wasn't connected to for a while from the cupboard at 4am and requiring carer to find the missing one) they tend to move away pretty quickly. I wouldn't mind them staying for a little while longer once they are happy. Maybe I'm "too unhappy" for that to be comfortable. I sound crappy in here because of the subject and although life isn't great right now, I would say I have a general optimism at the bottom of it all. Could be the fragments "go there" when satisfied, at least the gentle ones.

Re the psychopath, can you ground yourself when that one comes along? It doesn't come accross as the kind of mind space that you'd want to allow to exercise itself and grow stronger.

It's horrible to say and it might be because it waits until I really dissociate but at the time there isn't a lot of desire to make it leave. At the time I know I shouldn't want it there and I'm certain I won't do anything, yet part of the main me sort of appreciates the coldness and the validation of the anger while at the same time it pulls the fire out of it and makes it something that you would simply do for your pride.

There have been times the Psychopath has sat and spoke to significant others, I think trying to rattle them, though it doesn't seem to have an effect. Probably because partners have either thought I was harmlessly nuts, stupid, or both.

It doesn't help that my one of the possible autistic (evaluation for ASD soon) fixations I have is serial killers, mass murderers, and sociopaths in general. Unlike some others with fixations, I forget numbers and names at time but if you mention part of a name I'll remember most of it and be able to take you through most of the main crimes or at least one of a great deal of interest. I don't idealise them, the AsPD killers, it's more that they fascinate me. When the Psychopath hasn't been around in a while I will wonder what it might be like in their heads. Sometimes I'll have a few weeks of watching documentaries or reading about them and there's a small chance of it coming out then at the end for a bit. Problem is, if this is an autistic fixation, I am going to become extremely distressed if people try to stop me looking. I get that way when I can't engage in other strong interests and this one is a more solid one - it's been there since I was about 9, the fascination, because my mother left true crime novels lying around and magazines which sometimes had stories about people having dealt with them.

It would be odd to pull away when it's here because I think myself and it, as far as it can know anything, are aware that I ultimately control the body and won't allow the body to move any more than I personally desire. I'm not sure I know how - a psychologist gave me a few ways you can ground yet they all felt quite silly to me. Look at objects in the room and name them, count them, think on their function. It's boring and the fragment is more interesting, even when it isn't a friendly one.

The best way is for somebody to bring me one of my cats because the fragment won't try anything and will likely leave - it's also how I come back from being nonverbal. Unfortunately it isn't always easy to ask for a cat when I'm like that.

it sounds the whole ideation is more traumatizing to you than it would be a danger to society, which is what you're worried about?

I'm actually so far away from what I felt when I typed this up that I'm not sure I was traumatised, more curious and wanting information to be able to move forward in ways I felt were appropriate. While the fragment would love a kill, my desire to not be in jail is stronger. I suppose it would become a problem if my support net disappeared and I was made homeless but that's unlikely to happen.

DID also fascinates me as much as AsPD and having decided that fragments might be mildly like it probably made me want to look at them more. I suppose the Psychopath shouldn't be explored at all.

I'd be careful about wording and disclosing thoughts of self defense that cross into homicidality as psychopathy, outright homicidality, or whichever else are common terms for it.

While I respect how others communicate with professionals, I would find it morally objectionable of myself not to fully express what was going on. Talking about the harm I might do to myself puts me in as much danger of being sectioned. I'm lucky in that the therapist I told originally was lovely and the one I have now is almost as wonderful. Current one is head of the department. Either way, if there was any chance of me ever "snapping", I would like people to know. The idea of it occurring doesn't seem to frighten me but I have a strong ethical objection to killing people. In that sense, I'd like people to know when to watch me.

'I usually screw up' - sounds like negative self talk, maybe something to look into.

Might have to do with the possible/probable ASD. I've noticed a lot more of how I manage it, in a way, and how often it takes place. Even with the simplest of things. I used to think that sure, I was crazy, but the planet was full of nutbags who couldn't comprehend simple sentences. Turns out my verbal sentences aren't that straight forward and they are as confused by me as I am by them. I imagine if I get diagnosed and get to the groups offered, I'll feel better.

Last I knew, autism & psychotic spectrum disorders were also mutually exclusive disorders, as per DSM.

We don't go by the DSM here and there appears to be something listed as "psychotic autism" or the like. It seems rather peculiar to me that you could not see both and in fact my diagnosed friend has bipolar as well as Asperger's (which the DSM very controversially removed and my US psych student friend thinks they'll go back on in the next revision as they did the same to schizo-type conditions). Anyway, she has alters and an evil voice that sometimes comes to tell her she's Hitler's reincarnation. She has sadly been hospitalised many times and over the years they tested her for AS without her really knowing. It was on her notes as a maybe for a couple years before they decided to tell her and test her several months back. Now she is an Aspie who suffers from Bipolar and that actually isn't that odd, at least here. It's the strong version (Bipolar I?) and so psychosis can come during the highs and lows.

You're right though: on its own, an autistic shutdown is not psychotic. I mentioned it because a few autistic individuals dissociate along with shutdowns (Ask an Autistic on Youtube is a nice little series and educational). Now the trouble there is that certain fragments like to come along when I dissociate. I don't think I can remember it happening during a shutdown... It's hard to remember detached shutdowns.

Maybe that part needs to hear it's very possible to get rid of who's a nuisance in different ways.

Well, I figured out the issue that I was having and the only logical course of action is legal, likely not to stick, but will still likely please the Psychopath because it can pretend it is vindictive since people who don't know me will likely see it as being the case.

Basically, and I'll try to keep it as low on the triggering scale as possible, my ex got rid of me because he apparently couldn't deal with his and my problems at the same time. Since the break up it has become clear that he is nothing like who I thought he was, being backed up as an understanding by his own friends and other exes. He is, in fact, some sort of unaware personality disordered selfish and manipulative... [insert insult]. The good parts of him are glorious but he gaslights, manipulates, selectively remembers, blames, and worst of all,breaches boundaries. The break up happened after he told me he would not tell me something of his past trauma (he brought it up, I think, pretty sure I didn't ask). In relationships before, I and my partners have opened the floodgates. It's awkward for me to learn when rules change and my empathy was delayed and I didn't understand until the next day when it was too late. I at least know now that people have different manners of opening up in relationships and that's actually acceptable. The problem on my end won't occur again. Lesson learned.

He, however, would frequently grope me awake and keep doing it even as I moved away or pushed his hands from me. In past relationships I haven't been able to even stop people in that manner, so the fact I actually was able to talk now and again to say "I'm sleepy" is amazing. I don't think I'm at the full "no" straight away stage yet as a lot of me feels like I'm supposed to allow it, but I make it clear that I'm not wanting to. Generally he'd continue trying and would on occasion manage to make my body respond enough that I'd give up and stop attempting to move away. I was not actually fully awake at these time, you know that way you get when you can think but not move so much? Either way, other times he would put it all on me by asking if he should leave because he was "so horny [that he] couldn't control" himself.

Obviously most of the time I wanted to hug before waking up because that's a comforting way to start the morning. First few times I told him to stay but just cuddle. It didn't stop the groping. I had to start agreeing that he should leave though for quite sometime I'd answer in a rather distressed way as it felt like I was being made to reject him and encourage him to reject me. I got more confident in it. However there were times he'd ask several times before leaving. I feel this was... a consent issue.

The big problem, the issue I want to deal with, is potentially shared with one ex while what I said above is shared by all four I've spoken to.

It was the first night. During that week he had learned that I both liked a male friend of his and his last ex (I'm poly), and I made a status for everybody letting people know that there would be no more casual canoodling and they were to decline if I flirted unless they wanted something more serious. He clicked like on that status, advised me that the male friend would not be interested, and made some remarks about the ex.

On the night I had drunk more than half a box of wine that a friend bought because she was chill about it and not wanting as much. I'm on a lot of meds so I get wrecked - which is why no more drinking. I was crying and said in an open status that I was drunk, crying, and lonely. Almost instantly I think he msg'd in IM, saying he'd pay for the taxi to get me to his. My carer has said that although he felt I was definitely in no state to consent, he trusted my ex.

Everybody knows that when I get drunk I get all abandonment/daddy issues and I'm vulnerable anyway. I'm very open on FB. When I got there, I think I staggered in. The only bits I remember is that he was sober but had two more bottles of wine and a bunch of beer. Before he could even finish his first glass I got wine on me and, being a hippie, I just took of my top. Other friends have told me they would have covered me up but in the next flash I'm in my underwear and he's rolling a joint on my belly. Then there's a flash of the bedroom ceiling. That's all I remember.

Even though he got drunk, he said he remembers everything and I do "crazy things" when drunk and willing. Willing is negotiable here because by law, I was not sober to consent and I don't remember saying yes. However, I likely did so I pushed it aside and told myself I was being a paranoid feminist, even though he had that info, invited me over, didn't put me to bed, and got a little drunk seemingly in order to qualify what he wanted to do, as when he was rolling the joint on my belly, I'm quite sure he was still mostly sober. I did bring it up a lot during the relationship, unfortunately when I was already annoyed, because whenever he was acting disordered I became worried he was like the rest of my exes (I've had actual rape occur in relationships). Earlier on I joked in my head that he was a high-functioning psychopath but I can't remember how much was humour and how much was worry.

I brought it and the groping up a few times seriously after the break up and the only one thing I got was an outwardly aggressive "it wasn't right" with an almost immediate apology for "letting the relationship" happen as HE wasn't ready. He hasn't spoken of my feelings in it though I've tried to reassure him on many points of other areas even after the split, and I think he was not saying it wasn't right because of the consent issue, he meant he shouldn't have encouraged a relationship.


Today I had a more PTSD flashback than a C-PTSD (as I understand it the latter tends to focus more on emotions). I wanted to talk to his mother about all the issues I had seen, not just the sexual ones, because despite never wanting to speak to him again, I wanted him to realise it so he'd stop it and be safe. Through talking to friends about it not being a good idea to go to her even though I didn't want to go to the police, I got an almost full flashback to one of the relationship (okay trigger time) rape occurrences: with Asperger's sound can be an issue and can cause meltdowns or at least "brat-like" behaviour. This is because too much input wears down ability to socialise. I'd been at the boyfriend's band practice for several hours without ear plugs, my head was killing me, and I don't even know what I was complaining about, I was that stressed. Because I like rough sex and because this boyfriend was diagnosed Aspergers (way before I realised it in me) I think I can sort of understand why this happened, which is why I didn't later do something about it as I probably should have. I got grabbed and basically told I was being a brat and that I obviously just wanted punished. But it wasn't sexy or anything, he was saying it really seriously unlike usual so maybe he was not functioning well either. I was pretty stiff but my clothes were taken off and I was put on the bed. He kept telling me off and I was actually able to maintain angry eye contact but I couldn't speak. In my head, my mind was agreeing with him though it wasn't true and so the parts of me linked to always feeling like a bad person who should always be punished flowed along with it all (/triggery part)


So this afternoon it came into my head but then I was both here and in that room. I heard him, almost, saying the "intro", then I could see the face and expression in front of me, almost hearing the words, partly feeling it, the emotions back and tongue being caught. I was shaking and sweating and a panic attack built up and I wanted to throw up. I don't get full-blown flashes like that much at all, it's usually emotional or a brief visual flash. This went on for a little while and after it I was seeing double and feeling like I was going to faint. I managed to put the laptop down before I passed out in my bed.

In the evening I spoke to the other exes to find the patterns and boom! my most recent ex seems to go for vulnerable woman and does the same groping and gaslighting.


So now I'm going to pointlessly try to report it as he - recent ex - has refused time and again to listen to me and he has not stated what it was or that he will bring it up in therapy. I know I'll be labeled a lying bitch by everybody while at the same time they'll call him a rapist but he's 32 and has still not learned this isn't right to do. I have one pre-witness to my state, it was a year ago, and I dated him. At best the police will laugh, at worse they will treat me like scum and maybe get me for wasting their time.

However, I feel morally obligated to try for the ones who didn't, for myself, for those in the future, and for him. There needs to be some way to make him see what he does. If he won't listen to me and his mother is likely not to, I don't have much choice. I can't drop it as I never really dropped it. There were a couple other sexual things but I won't bother going into them.


Basically, if you think I'm wrong or hysterical then I really don't care, I would hope you can see that it was clear I was too drunk and any sober man (or otherwise) worth his salt would put the person to bed or at least give them coffee and try to distract them with cartoons. My carer trusted my ex not to do that but since the intoxication = consent issue makes a lot of people nervous, nobody wants to touch it. I dated my carer in the past and he pointed out we'd had sex when he was sober and I wasn't. I replied that I remembered and consented and had been the one to invite him along with me and that I had already made advances. It was different and my carer doesn't have a track record of... all of that.

If you don't know who you are? You can be anybody. So figure what your needs are, roll from there, in case identity is too moving sand to ground on. Start identity building when you have basic needs you need covered, covered.

It's hard to explain but I've done that. It's a deeper not knowing who I am. Past even gender or age or... anything. Something at the core which most people don't think about as it's so integral, it's missing or mangled. I know what I need and want and what I like, though sometimes I have trouble speaking. Now that ASD is on the table I'm able to connect left over dots.

I'm not certain I can explain it right now.



Also, I'll check that other post soon.

 

[Anarchy]

The gamers cafe sounds good.

I'm not up on gamers blogs, but there is one sort of combined gamers,ponies and guns blog,by a gender queer individual, it (the blog) is called "lurking rhythmically"

Yes, guns in the mix, the gun bloggers were not ruffled when Erin came out a few years back.

Re,the ex.
It's a hard one. It would be nice to know these things in advance of getting involved with someone, but sussing out a new bf is their job, not yours.

Although the women may be emotionally vulnerable, they're unlikely to welcome any intervention.

You are in no way responsible for his actions, they are his,and his alone.

Are you able to detach emotionally from the feelings without getting guilty feelings?

 

[Nope]

Yes, guns in the mix, the gun bloggers were not ruffled when Erin came out a few years back.

I'd be fine with guns if there weren't so many idiots running around and areas with lax regulations. In an ideal world, the minanarchist/anarchist utopia in my head, people could generally be trusted because of a variety of factors. It would take a couple leaps up in social evolution though so I have to remain far left and pretty radically "libertarian" (not the party; as in opposition to authoritarian) but not quite hit the full mark of being comfortable with anything to do with guns. I know there are many responsible owners out there but at this moment in time, I feel I would not be a fully respectful person to be around in discussions. I suppose I'm a realistic idealist, if there's even such a thing. It could also be because I love in a country with super tight regulation and when I look at the trouble between here and a similar sized area with lax laws... I'm glad I'm here.

Abusive mother said if it wasn't like this I would have done a "trench coat mafia" thing with my high school. As awful as she is, remembering how I was at the time, it is probably very true. Which makes me even more likely to stop and think in those situations when I read about them. Wondering how much people bothered to check up on the individual(s). *shrug* I don't know, in a maudlin mood.

You are in no way responsible for his actions, they are his,and his alone.

While true, I tend toward a community spirit, almost. Yup, my utopia's full of smelly filthy hippie communes. We'll still eat chicken if we want though, as long as it's nice and juicy from the slow cooker.

Anyway, I wouldn't like more women hurt and confused as he left at least the four before me, not would I like them used. I also wouldn't like to see him in jail. He has potential to do at least something and he wastes it by hiding from himself. I'm not going to be able to un-care for quite a while. I explained it today to a couple friends as a love/hate but not switching; they appear at the same time and while I;d like him to change, the most I would ask is that he recognise it. Then I could even be his friend, oddly. I think that's what they mean when they say "true love is loving while accepting the flaws". The only thing I can't accept is if he can't accept who he is which I think is probably the exception to the rule. I'm not that stupid though - I know it never was true love from me. Even if he hadn't split up with me, I doubt he would have accepted my flaws even as I worked on them. In fact, that's what happened.


No police involvement now. I could possibly scrape up the evidence and even seek unofficial police advice but... I don't have the strength and it's not as if jail ever actually changes people that much anyway, unless it makes them harder. It's revenge and justice, not rehabilitation and compensation to the wider community, again like my utopia. It wouldn't be good.

I deleted the message for his mother. She'd not seen it yet and there was no point.

Instead, I opted for a bizarre alternative. I emailed him from an account which is now set to ignore him - I told him if there were anything to say it would only be done through the phone - and let him know that I deleted something I had sent to his mother. Briefly explained why I had done that and subtly explained what my other option had been, why I felt like it had to be considered, then ultimately why I didn't.

I was trying to remain calm but I suppose it could have come across as curt. Actually, most definitely.

Then the odd bit. I told him I had one band with nine songs performed by them who described everything perfectly. The band is A Perfect Circle, one of my long time favourites and one he appreciates as well.

Putting them in order of occurrence, I gave a little description of what they fit and then ended with a note. Every word fit, even if the theme was changed.

If you are curious:

"The Hollow" - his original motive in my own eye
"Blue" - him as the narrator while in the relationship and his "self-medication"
"The Outsider" - what I subconsciously felt in and consciously realised after
"Sleeping Beauty" - what he fooled himself into thinking he was doing for me, what I wanted to do for him, and the folly of both
"3 Libras" - describes him and my effort to understand exactly; coincidentally, he's a Libra and has at least 3 psychological masks...
"Passive" - angry me as the narrator
"Diary of a Madman" - I think this is a cover of and/or a mash up of a song by The Cure. It symbolises the ridiculous emotion underneath for me, then and now
"Gravity" - how I want to be, with him not being who the narrator is talking to
"The Noose" - how I will react when he tries to say hello in nine months at the convention; basically stating that I will have achieved Gravity by then with no contact and that will be the end of it

Explained I knew the patterns and the unlikelihood of him ever changing as I'd spoken to four other exes. He talked some crap about them. Now the one he said the most about knows that. She won't do anything. She was the one he sabotaged me from but I'll see her on friday for gaming and she's staying over this weekend as she needs to for another game which I don't attend. Since I'm unwell and still tainted from all that he said about her, I made it clear I might stick to my room but was honest. She wanted to stay her particularly, so she could bring arts and crafts things to distract me as she knows I am upset. She told my carer that, not me. Yes, what a conniving little monster. /sarcasm

She's often stayed over while I've been at his because she lives in a different city so it isn't weird for her to request it. Basically I've told her the main points and how it worked and how I feel guilty for dropping talking to her without maybe somehow explaining or hearing her side or whatever else. I get the feeling that she understands. The sad thing about the exes is that we all have fallen at different levels into a guilt for him in some form, though I have mostly shrugged off mine, as has another. The girl who is coming round maybe the most guilt-ridden but he was horrific to her in reality.

I am not sure if me and her have a chance of getting together like we were going to before him, but a long friendship until I am ready to even go near that sort of connection would be refreshing and will remove the lies. I gave her an Evenstar necklace at Christmas. Kind of hope she wears it but that's silly.


Sorry, today was a bit... strange, as was last night.

Are you able to detach emotionally from the feelings without getting guilty feelings?

Depends? I think I am understanding the question. If I believe that it is the right action then I can detach without guilt but that won't mean the detachment will stick. If I feel later I got it wrong because of new information or some event, I will feel guilt appropriate to the mistake.

He has to phone me from in a week's time to a month and a half's. If he doesn't, I can start the Gravity process because he has been given all possible chance and all possible options are depleted. There will be no guilt as logically there shouldn't be.

Similarly, I can't feel guilt for anybody who becomes hurt because I likely don't have strong enough evidence, etc. and all I can do is hope that women will spot the issues before it is too late or that people will wake up and be proactive about either having him see or keeping others safe. I can't as I will have no contact for my own self-preservation after trying as hard as I can.

Psychopath can't even work up the energy to suggest murder any more; it'd be like swatting a dead fly. Pointless. The man is dead already.