Can Anyone Help?

[WhiteFlag]

I am trying to control myself. I feel like I am going mad again. The last book I read said to control your emotions or you control others around you. I am SO in love with my finance and he's studying for an exam... I want to go get a bottle of whiskey but it would hurt him. Goddam it! WTF?! I hate feeling this pain but also know I don't want to hurt him either. I hate being this way, even if its not whatever label. I have no idea anymore which one fits. I just want to get through... Bloody friggin hell!!!
WF

 

[WhiteFlag]

BTW - I am wondering whether I should change my nickname here to WTF? Sorry - humor makes me cope better.

 

[growingpains]

I appreciate your sense of humor, and I think quite a few of us have WTF moments with PTSD. What emotion makes you want to get a bottle of whiskey? If it is pain do you have any other "healthy" ways of dealing with your feelings? I hope this helps. Maybe you can distract yourself with a "How do I love thee let me count the ways..." list to give to your fiancé--I love you because you love me even when I want to go out and get whiskey, and it is because of your love for me that I don't live out that urge? I dunno...might be a place to start. Good luck!

 

[goingonhope]

I hate being this way, even if its not whatever label. I have no idea anymore which one fits.

What way? Compelled? In control/Out of control? In pain? With Ptsd? Suffering? Confused/ distracted/ disoriented? What way(s) precisely white flag do you hate being? Can you please clarify some?

And, white flag what are you actually saying in your comment: ..."even if its not whatever label. I have no idea anymore which one fits."

I know that when it comes to having Ptsd, often times previous diagnostic psych. labels, are nothing more then the Ptsd; But on the other hand I also know that a body/mind can be riddled with more then one condition; ...as there are always comorbid conditions and secondary conditions and medical conditions and bad habits that can develop into drug addictions, as well as diseases. Life with Ptsd doesn't seem to work well, if the reality of having it and the pain and symptoms that goes with it, is run from, or there is any repeated attempted avoidances.

There is this sentence written in a book that I've found and which I read and re-read it, it's along the lines of: ..."to go onto the bitter end blotting out the reality of our intolerable situation, or to accept spiritual help." Now though it may not be spiritual help that you need, you likely need some sort of other real help.

Can you make it far enough for yourself, in the direction you may hope to go in life, and with your fiancé, with a bottle of whiskey in hand when emotions get rough?


Hope

 

[vallie000]

Don't know if this will help, WhiteFlag, but perhaps you can remember that your distress is coming from injuries. It's the pain of these injuries that makes you feel like you're going mad. It would be healthy if you could find a way to reduce the pain, but at the same time investigate what is causing the pain, 'cause if all you do is put a bandaid on every time, you won't heal the wound and you'll have to feel this pain over and over again, and it could get worse. Can you ask your fiance for a long hug? No talking, necessarily, just a hug. That will help with the pain. Do you have any visibility into what is causing the pain at this moment? Can you link it to what's causing the fear or shame? Perhaps a memory is trying to surface?

 

[Jline]

The struggle is in you not really much to do with your finance. You know the next day will be hell but at least your not all there...until the next day when the guilt kicks in. I call this self sabotage. Try not to hurt your body and mind with whiskey and concentrate on you...the healing you! Tell the whiskey drinking one to be quiet. That's what I do. hope this helps. j

 

[WhiteFlag]

Dear All,
Thank you so much for your kind and wise replies! I know deep down that running from the pain doesn't help- and I did manage to make it through the other night. I made myself go to bed...perhaps still a bit avoidant- but it worked.

The next day my fiance' finished his studying but was concerned- thought I'd seemed 'tense or distant' . The funny thing was I hadn't told him how I was feeling, as I didn't want to muck him up with my stuff before an exam. I've had nightmares again nearly all week- exam and work stress I don't manage well though I now understand that all the trauma is most likely why. Anyway, I explained that I had been just feeling a bit stressed but was OK now and it was not to do with him but also thanked him - because of my love for him, I had overcome my inner demons for one night. Not at all sure he understood but just smiled and said shaking his head "You're crazy but I love you"...

I'm glad he's understanding but you are right goingonhope - I need both spiritual and psychological help. I'm seeing a wonderful psychologist friend who is also big on spiritual healing for some unofficial counseling/debriefing while I wait to get in to see an anxiety expert (back into therapy sigh)...but am also looking into meditation and mindfulness as ways I can help myself now...

All the best guys and sorry for the outburst :)
WF