Relationship Can someone with PTSD use the need for space as an excuse?

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Hello everyone! This looks like such a supportive community.
New here.
Just a quick question. This by no means is to cause offence to anyone- we all need personal growth and understanding. So here goes - I am trying to grow( as a person and supporter ) and better understand something - could someone with PTSD use their need for space and the need to hibernate as an excuse for a quick "get away"or an "indirect goodbye"? Almost using it as a crutch in circumstances that may be beneficial to them. This is not the majority- I refer to few supporters who just might find it happening in their lives while caring and loving a person with PTSD and being pushed away.
Has anyone experienced this in this community?
Looking forward to your insight and thoughts.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

If your loved one is MIA and had to see their therapist to recover from whatever went wrong, what has you questioning them using their PTSD as an excuse to bolt?

Shall re phrase - I had to see therapist

Shall re phrase - I had to see therapist

They are free to bolt. Nobody held captive ever.

They are free to bolt. Nobody held captive ever.

Original post here seeks help to "grow and underststand sufferers better - the supporters whom sufferers bolt from are there with compassion- they invest mental , physical, emotional energy too. No judgement ever on who bolts when or why.
Gaining wisdom and understanding is better than the riches of the world some say.

If your loved one is MIA and had to see their therapist to recover from whatever went wrong, what has you questioning them using their PTSD as an excuse to bolt?

How does one navigate and compute the impact of a sudden bolt and conditional long term space on the supporter?
When compassion and care was given in large amounts. No triggers from the supporter! So if the PTSD sufferer isolates and care and compassion , trust and reaching out is highly recommended - how does a supporter do that , express that and show that when the loved on is nowhere to be found.

 

[KayW]

I guess it's a common battle between your needs being met and your traumatized partners needs being met.

Compassion for yourself or the other person might grow from understanding what a person is going through when their needs aren't met.

If I'm triggered or under stress to the point where I isolate totally, I'm experiencing a level of fear that a person experiences when an attacker is in reaching distance of them. Thinking shuts down and automatic responses to remove myself from impending danger take over. When I feel safer in my isolation, I'm able to ground and look at the situation from a different perspective and start healing using all the things I've learnt through therapy. But this is hard work and isolating isn't having a break, it's finding a space to take responsibility for my own mental health and put myself back together again after a fall.

But people without PTSD also have differing needs in relationships and compassion for yourself is about understanding and accepting your own needs and triggers. So looking at what is triggered within you when your partner needs space and why that is difficult for you.

It might be that you are both able to meet your own needs differently without that being dependent on what the other does. But it also might mean accepting that you have needs that you do need someone else to meet and maybe your current partner isn't the right person to meet them.

I think over the years I've come to live by the notion that we can't change other people, but we can change where we stand in relation to them.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I guess it's a common battle between your needs being met and your traumatized partners needs being met.

Compassion for yourself or the other person might grow from understanding what a person is going through when their needs aren't met.

If I'm triggered or under stress to the point where I isolate totally, I'm experiencing a level of fear that a person experiences when an attacker is in reaching distance of them. Thinking shuts down and automatic responses to remove myself from impending danger take over. When I feel safer in my isolation, I'm able to ground and look at the situation from a different perspective and start healing using all the things I've learnt through therapy. But this is hard work and isolating isn't having a break, it's finding a space to take responsibility for my own mental health and put myself back together again after a fall.

But people without PTSD also have differing needs in relationships and compassion for yourself is about understanding and accepting your own needs and triggers. So looking at what is triggered within you when your partner needs space and why that is difficult for you.

It might be that you are both able to meet your own needs differently without that being dependent on what the other does. But it also might mean accepting that you have needs that you do need someone else to meet and maybe your current partner isn't the right person to meet them.

I think over the years I've come to live by the notion that we can't change other people, but we can change where we stand in relation to them.

Beautifully illustrated and very insightful.Thank you for sharing - very candid.
It is concerning when a loved one disappears - physically, completely not even reachable. It is not so much a trigger but a deep concern for their well being - of course being a grown adult with much life experience they can look after themselves - although from a supporter, partner, friend perspective - how does one support and comfort when the person isn't there.

If I were to use an analogy - A paramedic with a duty of care can only provide a person CPR with the patient right there not
from a metre or a mile away.

 

[KayW]

how does one support and comfort when the person isn't there.

What is actually supportive and comforting is meeting what the other needs. If they need to be in their own space, then you coming into that space isn't going to be supportive or comforting and may cause them further distress ( however well intentioned).

 

[Workingonit]

Did things get better? I hope so.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Running from a relationship is squarely within the Avoidance cluster of symptoms.

TRUE- totally true.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Did things get better? I hope so.

Hey @Workingonit. Sorry saw your concerned msg after returning to the forum. Still catching up.
Things got better- amazingly better. Then the loved on went MIA again, this time with a harsher cut off than before - despite being offered ALL the space and time he needed right along. No crowding ,no invading territory or space. Self blame was high on my list initially - trying to find ways to be more supportive beyond exhaustion- however, after a deeper look ,this seems to be a default setting - of avoidance attachment style.

Gone numb to deal with it as a supporter. The pain of seeing the person not only go into the abyss of isolation but also not seeing a real and genuine connection for what it is.