Relationship Can we have children?

[PowderedHeart]

So the woman I married has PTSD from a childhood SA, we discussed having children before we got married and a couple times since then but our wedding served as a trigger for depression symptoms and she became very opposed to sexual intimacy. A psychiatrist told us that a major life event like marriage can serve as a trigger which is what we think happened. She has made some progress over the past 4 years but so far she has been unable to consent to any intimacy. We have found a reputable therapist now and we both remain committed to the relationship. But after reading some posts on here about how PTSD survivors having little to no sexual interest and her saying that she doesn’t feel any sexual feelings I am wondering at this point if we will be able to have children at any point. What do you think?

 

[Movingforward10]

There is the issue of conceiving rather than whether you can be parents?

Conception can happen in other ways. Have you spoken to her about it?

 

[Sideways]

But after reading some posts on here about how PTSD survivors having little to no sexual interest and her saying that she doesn’t feel any sexual feelings I am wondering at this point if we will be able to have children at any point. What do you think?

Massive variations on this from one person to the next, but it’s just as common for a ptsder to have kids as want nothing to do with intimacy.

You can work on intimacy together, and make it goal. If she’s on medication, you may also want to check the side-effects aren’t partially responsible for her low libido.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am a sufferer and I have kids. I have been a terrible parent. I am so messed up I would have to disappear because everything was too much for me. The kids would trigger me and I just couldn’t even talk to them. I had no idea it was PTSD. Once I understood what was going on with me I talked to each of the kids. They are all adults now. I know I have harmed them and I cannot undo that. I have so much shame over my parenting. You are lucky as you know about the PTSD before becoming a parent. If I were in your shoes I would make having kids the goal and in preparation do individual and couples therapy. Make sure you both have your own situations in order before becoming a parent. Kids deserve having both parents capable of being there for them.

 

[PowderedHeart]

There is the issue of conceiving rather than whether you can be parents?

Conception can happen in other ways. Have you spoken to her about it?

The issue is that her PTSD has left her scared of sex, and unreceptive to my sexual interest in her as a matter of romance or of trying for children

 

[Friday]

4 years is a reeeeeeally long time… Far past the trigger &/or stressor of getting married. >>> It was even more important to me, as a supporter, to understand the difference between triggers & stressors. As a sufferer? The PTSD stress cup was life-changing (IE the effect of stress, and how to mitigate/manage/predict) but the difference between stress, triggers, & stressors was only “just” middling useful, not mind blowing. As someone who loves others with PTSD? Being able to understand the difference between stressors & triggers began as mind blowing, & has become as much of a baseline part of my own life, as being aware of if the person I love hasn’t eaten, or hasn’t slept, and THOSE effects on them/us.

Read the two links. Lemme know what hits, or misses.

 

[Movingforward10]

The issue is that her PTSD has left her scared of sex, and unreceptive to my sexual interest in her as a matter of romance or of trying for children

I understand. Conceiving children doesn’t have to involve sex. You could use a clinic. You could adopt. Etc.
it’s whether you both want children and are well enough to do so. And how you go about that, opening up ways you maybe haven’t thought of before.
And then, there is the issue of whether you have sex in your relationship or not.

 

[Nairobi]

The issue is that her PTSD has left her scared of sex, and unreceptive to my sexual interest in her as a matter of romance or of trying for children

I am sorry about this, it must be very hard for you.
I think that intimacy and children are of course related but are not exactly the same. I mean, if you both agree in having children, but natural conception is impossible in this moment, Have you spoken about other posibilities, like insemination or other assisted reproduction technologies or adoption?
But before thinking about other alternatives for having children, I think you should ask to yourself, based on my previous experience (I also had problems with intimacy, it was a lot of pressure for me, my exhusband was not able to deal with that, and I think it was the main reason for he cheated on me and the end of the relationship): maybe the problems with intimacy are completely solved in the future, maybe there is an improvement, or maybe not. are you able to have a relationship without intimacy? I mean, there is no sense in having children if there is a high possibility that the relationship is going to be broken

 

[PowderedHeart]

So a bit of an update, first thank you all for the responses it feels nice to be able to talk to people about this who have been through similar experiences. The information about stressors and triggers was helpful l, I was able to share this with her and it helped us communicate a little.
I do not feel that adoption or IVF is an option for us due to financial constraints. It is no fault of either of us but we are just not able to afford exploring those options, I am the only one working and my pay is not much more than keeping our heads above water and she cannot find a job, it’s not even related to PTSD but no one will hire her we are dumbstruck by this phenomenon. I don’t blame her and she knows that but I’m certain that it contributed to her depression after the wedding. She is now enrolled in a college to try and gain specialized skills and she is getting some student loans to make this possible so we’re optimistic about this leading to a career for her.
I can safely say we remain committed to each other and to staying in the relationship and now after finding some therapists who are good fits for each of us we are wanting to try to move towards a more romantic relationship and away from being roommates but that is more difficult due to my hurt feelings from her intense sexual rejection and her PTSD. I feel that sex would be the best and most likely way for us to have a child so my concern for a that her PTSD related sex aversion will be permanent and prevent us from trying for a child. I can live without sex if that would prevent harm to her but I would like to have a child with her and she has said that she would like to have a child as well.

 

[Mytime]

So a bit of an update, first thank you all for the responses it feels nice to be able to talk to people about this who have been through similar experiences. The information about stressors and triggers was helpful l, I was able to share this with her and it helped us communicate a little.
I do not feel that adoption or IVF is an option for us due to financial constraints. It is no fault of either of us but we are just not able to afford exploring those options, I am the only one working and my pay is not much more than keeping our heads above water and she cannot find a job, it’s not even related to PTSD but no one will hire her we are dumbstruck by this phenomenon. I don’t blame her and she knows that but I’m certain that it contributed to her depression after the wedding. She is now enrolled in a college to try and gain specialized skills and she is getting some student loans to make this possible so we’re optimistic about this leading to a career for her.
I can safely say we remain committed to each other and to staying in the relationship and now after finding some therapists who are good fits for each of us we are wanting to try to move towards a more romantic relationship and away from being roommates but that is more difficult due to my hurt feelings from her intense sexual rejection and her PTSD. I feel that sex would be the best and most likely way for us to have a child so my concern for a that her PTSD related sex aversion will be permanent and prevent us from trying for a child. I can live without sex if that would prevent harm to her but I would like to have a child with her and she has said that she would like to have a child as well.

I understand your feelings of rejection, it affects you mentally, physically. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for almost 10 years now, it’s hard.