DiamondBug
Bronze Member
I've been so low for weeks. I couldn't see my therapist this week because he was on holiday. He left at at really pivotal moment for me. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I see him again. Everyone has always walked out on me or abused me, so I hate it when he goes away. I've felt so suicidal these past weeks. I'm crying everyday at least once. I feel so helpless. I feel like my flashbacks are worse including some I haven't had in ages.
I feel so gross typing this but when I'm on my period it's so much worse. I literally broke down today because I bled in my shower and had a big blood clot pass. I couldn't cope at all. I was gang raped as a child then when I was a teenager was forced to have an abortion. Because of these things i can get quite panicky around blood when its coming from there. I didn't have any choice, I had to agree, was told I'd need surgery but refused, because I couldn't bare the thought of people touching me even though I'd be asleep. They agreed to give me a "natural" miscarriage using medication. There was nothing natural about it. Screaming in agony with all my veins feeling on fire and vibrating. Losing that much blood I felt literally delusional. Sat on a cold blood soaked bed pad which they refused to change because I should of "controlled myself". Hearing babies crying in my head and shit. Being sick for over 8 hours, with no food, so I was just retching and making my throat bleed. I stumbled into the toilet and tried to kill myself but I was too weak. They told me I wasn't trying. Told me I was being stupid and I wanted it. Then told me oh yeah that surgery you refused we are going to do it awake. I literally begged them not to. Again I didn't have any choice. I was unconsolable. It was like I was being raped all over again. I had to watch and feel them cutting and pulling my insides. They grabbed my hands out of my boyfriends and forced them behind my back to support it, which make me cry even more and grab at him more, every time I tried to get comfort they bent and forced my arms behind my back. I wanted to die with my baby. I wanted to just take it away from them people. I didn't want it to be thrown into a mass cremation. I saw them empty my blood, placenta and baby into a plastic bag. I can't get over it. I was that scared I'd be a bad mum, that I'd hurt my baby because I've never had love. I was scared I'd get overwhelmed and kill myself and leave my baby alone. I was just doing the only thing I felt like I could. I will never get over it. I was f*cking desperate. I can't forgive myself. I don't think I can last another week with this to myself. I need to see my therapist but I can't. I don't know how to explain this all to him because it's so personal and things like this get me really embarrassed. I feel so trapped. I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be alive. I can't even tell my boyfriend how I really feel about all this because I get so embarrassed. I just have no where to turn now.
I feel so gross typing this but when I'm on my period it's so much worse. I literally broke down today because I bled in my shower and had a big blood clot pass. I couldn't cope at all. I was gang raped as a child then when I was a teenager was forced to have an abortion. Because of these things i can get quite panicky around blood when its coming from there. I didn't have any choice, I had to agree, was told I'd need surgery but refused, because I couldn't bare the thought of people touching me even though I'd be asleep. They agreed to give me a "natural" miscarriage using medication. There was nothing natural about it. Screaming in agony with all my veins feeling on fire and vibrating. Losing that much blood I felt literally delusional. Sat on a cold blood soaked bed pad which they refused to change because I should of "controlled myself". Hearing babies crying in my head and shit. Being sick for over 8 hours, with no food, so I was just retching and making my throat bleed. I stumbled into the toilet and tried to kill myself but I was too weak. They told me I wasn't trying. Told me I was being stupid and I wanted it. Then told me oh yeah that surgery you refused we are going to do it awake. I literally begged them not to. Again I didn't have any choice. I was unconsolable. It was like I was being raped all over again. I had to watch and feel them cutting and pulling my insides. They grabbed my hands out of my boyfriends and forced them behind my back to support it, which make me cry even more and grab at him more, every time I tried to get comfort they bent and forced my arms behind my back. I wanted to die with my baby. I wanted to just take it away from them people. I didn't want it to be thrown into a mass cremation. I saw them empty my blood, placenta and baby into a plastic bag. I can't get over it. I was that scared I'd be a bad mum, that I'd hurt my baby because I've never had love. I was scared I'd get overwhelmed and kill myself and leave my baby alone. I was just doing the only thing I felt like I could. I will never get over it. I was f*cking desperate. I can't forgive myself. I don't think I can last another week with this to myself. I need to see my therapist but I can't. I don't know how to explain this all to him because it's so personal and things like this get me really embarrassed. I feel so trapped. I feel so disgusting, like I don't deserve to be alive. I can't even tell my boyfriend how I really feel about all this because I get so embarrassed. I just have no where to turn now.
