BoN-bOn
MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes I feel so silly because my behaviors in therapy are often so child-like. Does anyone else have experiences like this? I have a child-like love for my therapist....so innocent & pure. When I first discussed my feelings for her I explained that it felt so WRONG. The feelings I have for her are much like the feelings I had for many people in my childhood who took those innocent & pure feelings and turned them into something BAD/something sexual.
So now when I have normal & healthy feelings toward someone I feel guilty & shameful about it. My feelings toward my therapist are not sexual at all (or maybe they are...& that’s why I am feeling so ashamed...but she’s old enough to be my mother & I am heterosexual!) I definitely feel like there is so much confusion around LOVE for me.
Through my relationship with her, I’m learning what is normal & healthy. It’s okay to have feelings for someone who is important in my life & I don’t have to feel guilty & ashamed about it. I was so embarrassed to tell her that I loved her, but she handled it so well & told me she loved me too! I wasn’t expecting that at all! I’m also learning how to accept love...just the pure & innocent kind, without any expectations or hidden agendas. I didn’t even know that existed before her?!? She is not trying to hurt me or get something from me. I still have a hard time with that sometimes...I just can’t believe that she doesn’t want anything in return but that is how real love SHOULD be! I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in my life now & even though this is a “therapeutic relationship,” I almost can’t wait to find one that is similar in my day to day life. I feel like because of her I know what to look for, what to tolerate, what NOT to tolerate, & to share my feelings without being ashamed. Whoever I decide to share my heart with is going to be so special & they better realize it! Lol!
So now when I have normal & healthy feelings toward someone I feel guilty & shameful about it. My feelings toward my therapist are not sexual at all (or maybe they are...& that’s why I am feeling so ashamed...but she’s old enough to be my mother & I am heterosexual!) I definitely feel like there is so much confusion around LOVE for me.
Through my relationship with her, I’m learning what is normal & healthy. It’s okay to have feelings for someone who is important in my life & I don’t have to feel guilty & ashamed about it. I was so embarrassed to tell her that I loved her, but she handled it so well & told me she loved me too! I wasn’t expecting that at all! I’m also learning how to accept love...just the pure & innocent kind, without any expectations or hidden agendas. I didn’t even know that existed before her?!? She is not trying to hurt me or get something from me. I still have a hard time with that sometimes...I just can’t believe that she doesn’t want anything in return but that is how real love SHOULD be! I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in my life now & even though this is a “therapeutic relationship,” I almost can’t wait to find one that is similar in my day to day life. I feel like because of her I know what to look for, what to tolerate, what NOT to tolerate, & to share my feelings without being ashamed. Whoever I decide to share my heart with is going to be so special & they better realize it! Lol!