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Childlike in therapy

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BoN-bOn

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes I feel so silly because my behaviors in therapy are often so child-like. Does anyone else have experiences like this? I have a child-like love for my therapist....so innocent & pure. When I first discussed my feelings for her I explained that it felt so WRONG. The feelings I have for her are much like the feelings I had for many people in my childhood who took those innocent & pure feelings and turned them into something BAD/something sexual.

So now when I have normal & healthy feelings toward someone I feel guilty & shameful about it. My feelings toward my therapist are not sexual at all (or maybe they are...& that’s why I am feeling so ashamed...but she’s old enough to be my mother & I am heterosexual!) I definitely feel like there is so much confusion around LOVE for me.

Through my relationship with her, I’m learning what is normal & healthy. It’s okay to have feelings for someone who is important in my life & I don’t have to feel guilty & ashamed about it. I was so embarrassed to tell her that I loved her, but she handled it so well & told me she loved me too! I wasn’t expecting that at all! I’m also learning how to accept love...just the pure & innocent kind, without any expectations or hidden agendas. I didn’t even know that existed before her?!? She is not trying to hurt me or get something from me. I still have a hard time with that sometimes...I just can’t believe that she doesn’t want anything in return but that is how real love SHOULD be! I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in my life now & even though this is a “therapeutic relationship,” I almost can’t wait to find one that is similar in my day to day life. I feel like because of her I know what to look for, what to tolerate, what NOT to tolerate, & to share my feelings without being ashamed. Whoever I decide to share my heart with is going to be so special & they better realize it! Lol!
 
I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about the loving feelings I have towards my therapist but he has been so understanding and has explained to me why I feel that way towards him and why I feel so ashamed about those feelings and that I shouldn't be ashamed of them.I still find it quite hard to get around my head why this other human being cares about me so much and yet he doesn't want anything in return and I do try to test him quite a bit and he doesn't fold.
I think being in therapy gives us a safe environment to test feelings,emotions and boundaries out.It helps us explore relationships and how they make us feel in both good and bad ways .It helps us show compassion to others and also to ourselves(something which I need to work on).
I think that it is brilliant that you want to explore your feelings and understand them and that you want to take them forward into other relationships.You should be really proud of yourself.
 
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