justbreath
New Here
Anxiety, Depression... the deepest darkest type of depression where you lay in bed and just wish to not wake up. I used to spend most of my day in bed, frequently just crying and crying. I've learned to try and not get stuck in that loop in my mind, but it still happens from time to time. My amazing wife has worked so hard and been so supportive to me, yet I still feel as though I can't function.
It really bothers me that I feel so socially inept that the idea of being interviewed for a job really scares me. I have some amazing talents, that I feel are being totally wasted because I'm an anxious, depressed, hopelessly flawed train wreck. Not to mention I was raised with the notion that the "man" is the bread winner.
Until about 2 years ago, I had no idea I even had PTSD, but I sure felt the symptoms. I wanted to go to a Dr so bad for so many years, but with no health insurance and my wife making enough money where we weren't eligible for government healthcare I had no choice but just trying to make it through another day-- to just breath. It got so bad, that finally we started budgeting hardcore and found a therapist that would take me on a sliding scale. His sliding scale was still more than we could really afford, but I was able to stick with it for about 4 months or so before we really couldn't afford it anymore. I gotta say, it helped a lot. Let's just say I made the most of that "50 minutes" looking for answers. After explaining to him most of my life story (I must have sounded like an auctioneer sometimes trying to get in as much as I could in the session, lol), I figured I better mention the thing I never really told anyone but my Mom and Wife about... Getting sexually abused on multiple occasions as a child. What hard sessions those were, but I started to realize how hard my brain tried to repress such memories. If I try I can remember the events as though it were yesterday, but it makes me very upset, and I'm very lucky my brain does a good job at hiding such imagery... But at the cost of extreme anxiety, depression and mindlessness. I frequently feel trapped in a fog or like I'm helplessly laying on the ground being beaten with no way out. I'm sure others can relate.
Luckily my wife just got health insurance at her new job, but it is still expensive for counselling, but I really need to get my life back. I feel like I'm writing a book now, so I'm going to quit. I guess my biggest question (anxiety) is now that we have health insurance.... Is my health insurance company going to get all the info I give my therapist? Will I have trouble getting healthcare in the future if I do come forward and say I need help?
Thanks for listening and I look forward to getting to know other PTSD survivors.
It really bothers me that I feel so socially inept that the idea of being interviewed for a job really scares me. I have some amazing talents, that I feel are being totally wasted because I'm an anxious, depressed, hopelessly flawed train wreck. Not to mention I was raised with the notion that the "man" is the bread winner.
Until about 2 years ago, I had no idea I even had PTSD, but I sure felt the symptoms. I wanted to go to a Dr so bad for so many years, but with no health insurance and my wife making enough money where we weren't eligible for government healthcare I had no choice but just trying to make it through another day-- to just breath. It got so bad, that finally we started budgeting hardcore and found a therapist that would take me on a sliding scale. His sliding scale was still more than we could really afford, but I was able to stick with it for about 4 months or so before we really couldn't afford it anymore. I gotta say, it helped a lot. Let's just say I made the most of that "50 minutes" looking for answers. After explaining to him most of my life story (I must have sounded like an auctioneer sometimes trying to get in as much as I could in the session, lol), I figured I better mention the thing I never really told anyone but my Mom and Wife about... Getting sexually abused on multiple occasions as a child. What hard sessions those were, but I started to realize how hard my brain tried to repress such memories. If I try I can remember the events as though it were yesterday, but it makes me very upset, and I'm very lucky my brain does a good job at hiding such imagery... But at the cost of extreme anxiety, depression and mindlessness. I frequently feel trapped in a fog or like I'm helplessly laying on the ground being beaten with no way out. I'm sure others can relate.
Luckily my wife just got health insurance at her new job, but it is still expensive for counselling, but I really need to get my life back. I feel like I'm writing a book now, so I'm going to quit. I guess my biggest question (anxiety) is now that we have health insurance.... Is my health insurance company going to get all the info I give my therapist? Will I have trouble getting healthcare in the future if I do come forward and say I need help?
Thanks for listening and I look forward to getting to know other PTSD survivors.
