Could Use Some Thoughts About Work

[Underdog]

Just a bit of background before the questions.

I left my job 2 years ago at the strong urgency of my therapist since I developed PTSD right before her eyes. After that, I was suffering so bad that I kept myself as busy as possible to distract myself for about a month then I broke my ribs and was out of commission for 8 months. Yeah, the PTSD had a field day during that time. So for the past year, I have found myself literally frozen and unable to seek employment, and when I have submitted resumes haven't gotten any bites. So my first question is has anyone dealt with this freezing before (or at least understand it in relation to job searching? I must find a job, but just can't seem to bring myself over that hump. Almost every job listing I see literally triggers me and sends me over the edge, especially when they use words/phrases like "Must perform well in a fast-paced environment." Past co-workers repeatedly say that their new jobs said that and they are still laughing at how easy their jobs are but I can't move past that fear!

My next question also needs some background. Since I've had downtime and don't want gaps in my resume, I've joined the board of one non-profit as their marketing and communications director. It's been more work than I thought it would be, sometimes a bit overwhelming for me but really no triggers being set off. So, I volunteered for another non-profit outreach that has two core missions that I very deeply believe in and always have! I am finding that I can't focus on some work tasks for them and continually fall behind on deadlines. Today, the person I report to asked what she could do to help me find a job. God bless her!!! I didn't know how to respond. My diagnosis hasn't been widely announced yet even if it should be or not, but she is perceptive and can read between the lines, wherever that will land her probably won't be anywhere near the truth. I feel like I need to tell her exactly what is going on, but I don't even know how or if that would be a good thing or not. Your thoughts?

Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond, by the way! Very appreciated!

 

[shandemonium]

Honestly, I would try and tell her you need part time because of your injuries and "other commitments". Don't tell her about the ptsd friend.

Not because we should be ashamed! BUt people out there can be ignorant and use it against you later.

I worked in non profits for 6 years, and I had a "story" that I used to get certain jobs but sometimes it would backfire. For example, I would tell about my times in group homes as a kid and how I you know, "made it" out and seem to function "normal" lol! Then I find myself facing prejudice from uptight upper middle class white women who see me as a weird charity case or have all these strange ideas about me that I didn't expect.

All I'm sayin is protect yourself from ignorance since this comes down to making a living. Give yourself exactly what you need but don't tell them your secrets.. Believe me, they won't tell you theirs!

I hope this helps and I want you to know I support you! It's like, I'm gay too and sometimes I need to feel out a group before coming out. This is for my safety and survival. Same goes for PTSD.. It's like, the new gay lol!!
Stay inthe PTSD closet just a tad longer. Get paid. Feel people out one by one...

Sending you love and PROSPERITY! :)

 

[Underdog]

Thank you!!! As a gay man, I thoroughly understand that analogy. I suppose that "hiding" is a huge part of the triggers I'm experiencing at the moment. I want to be as helpful as I possibly can for the cause the second non-profit stands for! It's something I truly believe in and know they are accomplishing amazing work with. But there in may be my triggers and issues... Although I am not the people they serve, I very well could have been many, many times.

 

[Underdog]

Guess I should add that I only work 4 hours per week for the secondary non-profit, with occasional outside work. I was asked to produce a press release today and for some reason my brain wasn't cooperating. The only thing I could develop was a very bad and extremely non-cohesive draft... I walked away many times to do other things, but for some reason all work with this organization repeatedly hits triggers and blocks. I need to work past this, but what do you all recommend?

 

[littlelostchild]

Is there someone you can bounce ideas off? I find it helpful if I get stuck to do that.

 

[Underdog]

Only a hand full of people at the moment. Most people were scared away two years ago, and understandably so. A few people said they thought I was doing meth or something similar because they saw me change so fast in front of their eyes and couldn't explain it otherwise. Guess it's time to reach back out to the few I've told. I hate doing that though...

 

[BlueOrange]

Reaching out hurts, but the alternative is often increasing numbness. My experience is that the earlier I reach out, the more I'm able to do it in a way that is socially effective. When I leave it until I have no choice but to reach out, it tends not to go so well.

Your mileage may vary, but I get the impression that there are people who want to help you - they'd probably be pleased if you gave them an opportunity to act on it.

 

[ladyonthelake]

@Underdog - I freeze all the time, especially when it comes to job searches. I used to think of myself as very talented and am hard pressed to even write a resume right now. I am employed, but on FMLA right now. My job has been overly stressful and I feel bullied. I've been off for ten days and have been completely incapable of updating my resume. I wonder if there is anyone in the community that can help people like us? I certainly have skills, even though I can't see them clearly right now. I'm sure you do too.

Seriously - best of luck in your job search. I hope there is a therapy that can help you push past the freezing.

 

[Underdog]

@ladyonthelake I hear you. I didn't know about the "frozen" reaction to the fight/flight mechanism myself until it was explained to me. Frozen would be a perfect word for me. Honestly, I was finally doing much, much better until about 2 months ago when it all came back due to some very extreme personal circumstances. I'm finally planning to see a psychiatrist my psychotherapist suggested as well. I had medicine, but really feel if I am going to work through all of this it may be time to consider it, at least for a short while to get me through this hump.