Sufferer CPTSD/Relationship Trauma

sp2007

New Here
Hi All,

I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself; I sort of jumped right into it with a post under Relationships because I had a pressing question - thanks to those who responded. I have CPTSD due a long-term abusive relationship.

It is unclear if my partner has ASPD - he has shown me his medical records that indicate this is the case - or CPTSD - he claims his most recent therapist feels this is a more accurate diagnosis. His behavior throughout the relationship was exremely confusing and part of me feels there was likely some sort of childhood sexual abuse at some point, but I really do not know for sure. He is/was hypersexual and I did not know anything about his secret double life for the first 5 years of the relationship. The initial discovery was incredibly traumatizing for me - the behavior was just so extreme that I initially it was sex addiction. When I found out, I quite literally felt something crack in my head.

I can still remember the day I learned the truth clearly and if I close my eyes, I can actually transport myself back as if I were there - hearing the sounds, feeling the breeze against my skin. The memory is so vivid, it is like it happened yesterday even though it is now over 10 years ago. In the years that followed discovery, there were multiple other instances of hypersexuality - some more disturbing and extreme than others - but all traumatizing nonetheless. I look back on it now and realize that I was in denial and dissociative for all those years as a way of coping. The entire relationship feels a bit like a dream - I know it happened, but it doesn't feel real. It was years of my life, and that thought is at times almost more than I can cope with.

About 9 months ago, there was another discovery but this time, I could not just ignore it and insisted we see a therapist. When I told my partner that I would not continue the relationship with this behavior, he had a temper tantrum like a child who was being told they were not going to get candy. It was incredibly frightening to see especially coming from an adult man. Things somehow limped along for a few months, but eventually I exploded - I was looking for some sort of accountability from him for the many years of abuse. He couldn't handle my emotions or being called on his crap and a few weeks later, told me he just couldn't do this anymore and ended our relationship. I'm leaving out a lot of the details but that's the basic story.

I was completely shocked given all that we had been through together (there were also many good times as well as all the bad and our relationship had stood the test of time) so I asked him if we could be on a break instead for a few months. That break is coming to an end and I know that I need to end the relationship for good. He has recently ramped up his communications to me - and started calling me by my pet name and saying he loves me. This man is not well - and dangerous.

My partner does not know the truth of what the breakup was like for me as I purposely did not want to give him any ammunition to hurt me with, but I barely made it through. I have been sleeping on my ex-H's couch for weeks and my ex-H has been feeding me and caring for me as I did not feel safe being alone. I have never felt like this bad in my entire life and without the support of my ex-H, I don't think I would be here to be able to share this as I had severe suicidal ideation. I am externally grateful to my ex-H for this - he saved my life.

At the moment, I don't know much about CPTSD, but my therapist says it is clear that I am suffering from this and that my entire nervous system is destroyed from the years of my partner's maladaptive behavior. The one weird symptom that has developed - and I am actually somewhat happy about it - is that I cannot feel any emotions when I think about my partner. I do burst into tears unexpectedly at other times, but overall, I have this eerie sense of numbness. It is making it easier for me to deal with the situation, but I worry about whether this will continue long term. I am hoping once I am finally free that I will be able to go back to "normal." I have made some progress in other areas of my life - I've been reaching out to establish social connections and have been keeping active so I think I am doing as well as can be expected given everything.

Sorry that this was long and I hope I haven't triggered anyone. Thank you for welcoming me. I am glad to have found this place.
 
Hello and welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes courage to open up about such deeply personal and painful experiences. I want you to know that you are not alone in this journey. Many individuals in this community have faced similar challenges and can offer support and understanding.

Living with CPTSD from long-term abusive relationships can be incredibly difficult, and it sounds like you have been through a lot. It's positive to hear that you are seeking therapy and beginning to understand how your nervous system has been impacted by the trauma you've endured.

Feeling numb towards your ex-partner can be a common response to trauma, as your mind may be trying to protect you from overwhelming emotions. It's important to remember that healing from trauma is a process, and it may take time to fully process your feelings and experiences.

I'm glad to hear that you are reaching out to establish social connections and staying active. Connecting with others who understand what you're going through can be incredibly beneficial. Remember, self-care and seeking support are key components of healing.

Remember, if you ever feel overwhelmed or in crisis, it's important to reach out for professional help. Take care of yourself and know that there is support available here on myptsd.com. Feel free to explore the different forums dedicated to various topics related to PTSD and CPTSD where you can find more resources and connect with others who may have similar experiences.

You're stronger than you know, and healing is possible. We're here for you every step of the way.
 
Welcome to the forum!

The one weird symptom that has developed - and I am actually somewhat happy about it - is that I cannot feel any emotions when I think about my partner.
Yeah, this is pretty normal given what you’ve been through. A good portion of people go numb in the fallout to trauma. Your emotions (good and not-so-good) will come back - give yourself some time and distance:)
 
Hi sp2007.
Your post resonates with me because I see similarities in the bebaviour of your ex partner and behaviours that my father suffered from.
I have also suffered with emotional numbness caused by dissociating from way back in my childhood, my life seems like a surreal dream, a black comedy.
Along with the narcissistic, emotional dysregulational behaviour that my father had, which I believe was due to the 'cycle of trauma' and his own C-ptsd caused by his narcissistic antisocial parents, he relentlessly destroyed my mother and i as a child with scapegoating, domestic violence and emotional and physical abuse. My mum was 'gaslit' and suffered his hypersexual tendencies.
I found his porn stash (magazines back in those days) at the age of 8 or 9, I've only recently read how traumatic this is for a child, and I found the porn to be a self soothing mechanism and an emotional substitute that counteracted the dangerous homelife in my childhood. Porn became a safer way to relate to people for me than to actually trust others.
I've been hypersexual for most of my life because of this exposure, along with dependency addiction on behaviours and substances, resulting years ago in sexual self harm and anhedonia from my dopamine reward system failure.
I have so many overlapping symptoms and conditions that diagnosis seems pretty pointless, I could probably fit the criteria for ASD, inattentive ADHD as well as C-ptsd and about half a dozen personality disorders.
I have a long road of recovery ahead of me and I have to stay vigilant with slipping back into old patterns of thought and behaviour.
Your ex partner needs to heal himself before entering into any relationship, please protect yourself from the toxicity that will incur if you go back to him, you deserve better. 🙏
 
Hi sp2007.
Your post resonates with me because I see similarities in the bebaviour of your ex partner and behaviours that my father suffered from.
I have also suffered with emotional numbness caused by dissociating from way back in my childhood, my life seems like a surreal dream, a black comedy.
Along with the narcissistic, emotional dysregulational behaviour that my father had, which I believe was due to the 'cycle of trauma' and his own C-ptsd caused by his narcissistic antisocial parents, he relentlessly destroyed my mother and i as a child with scapegoating, domestic violence and emotional and physical abuse. My mum was 'gaslit' and suffered his hypersexual tendencies.
I found his porn stash (magazines back in those days) at the age of 8 or 9, I've only recently read how traumatic this is for a child, and I found the porn to be a self soothing mechanism and an emotional substitute that counteracted the dangerous homelife in my childhood. Porn became a safer way to relate to people for me than to actually trust others.
I've been hypersexual for most of my life because of this exposure, along with dependency addiction on behaviours and substances, resulting years ago in sexual self harm and anhedonia from my dopamine reward system failure.
I have so many overlapping symptoms and conditions that diagnosis seems pretty pointless, I could probably fit the criteria for ASD, inattentive ADHD as well as C-ptsd and about half a dozen personality disorders.
I have a long road of recovery ahead of me and I have to stay vigilant with slipping back into old patterns of thought and behaviour.
Your ex partner needs to heal himself before entering into any relationship, please protect yourself from the toxicity that will incur if you go back to him, you deserve better. 🙏
Thank you. It means a lot to me that you shared this. It has been a month since I posted and I am still struggling with feeling emotionally numb/disconnected and trying to keep my distance from him. Occasionally feelings break through and they are at times overwhelming - I've buried a lot of anger. I've stopped looking for an answer/diagnosis to explain his behavior - I would like him to get help as he seems miserable in his life, but that is something that he needs to decide. I am trying to stay focused on my life - what feels right for me and what will get me to a better place. It is honestly easiest to do when I'm alone as I find other people's needs/wants tend to cloud my focus. I suppose it is OK for awhile to do this until I am feeling stronger - I just need to be mindful of not allowing myself to isolate forever. Your post - from the other side - helped me to see things in a different light - while I have known/suspected for some time that external factors in his childhood set him up - it has been hard to not to allow my compassion for that situation to keep me stuck in a relationship with someone whose behavior is essentially abusive. Your post helped me to see that I could still have compassion for him/others who behave in this way while keeping my emotional distance.
 
I am so pleased that my reply was helpful to you sp2007. Hopefully you can convince him that you will not tolerate receiving any forms of abuse from him or anybody.
Regarding burying anger, for me it has never been a healthy coping mechanism, it will have to be released at some point, especially before it starts damaging you internally and twisting your self image and self value. I ended up self harming sexually years ago, all because of my exposure to porn as a child and how that had made me hypersexual for most of my life. It was also due to my inability to value myself and years of inwardly directed anger because I don't want to affect other people.
I've also self isolated for the last few years, and again, it's another unhealthy coping mechanism. So I hope you can cultivate self compassion and find healthier ways to cope, just like I'm learning to do, it's still early days.
Love yourself, because you matter. 🙏
 

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