Hi All,
I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself; I sort of jumped right into it with a post under Relationships because I had a pressing question - thanks to those who responded. I have CPTSD due a long-term abusive relationship.
It is unclear if my partner has ASPD - he has shown me his medical records that indicate this is the case - or CPTSD - he claims his most recent therapist feels this is a more accurate diagnosis. His behavior throughout the relationship was exremely confusing and part of me feels there was likely some sort of childhood sexual abuse at some point, but I really do not know for sure. He is/was hypersexual and I did not know anything about his secret double life for the first 5 years of the relationship. The initial discovery was incredibly traumatizing for me - the behavior was just so extreme that I initially it was sex addiction. When I found out, I quite literally felt something crack in my head.
I can still remember the day I learned the truth clearly and if I close my eyes, I can actually transport myself back as if I were there - hearing the sounds, feeling the breeze against my skin. The memory is so vivid, it is like it happened yesterday even though it is now over 10 years ago. In the years that followed discovery, there were multiple other instances of hypersexuality - some more disturbing and extreme than others - but all traumatizing nonetheless. I look back on it now and realize that I was in denial and dissociative for all those years as a way of coping. The entire relationship feels a bit like a dream - I know it happened, but it doesn't feel real. It was years of my life, and that thought is at times almost more than I can cope with.
About 9 months ago, there was another discovery but this time, I could not just ignore it and insisted we see a therapist. When I told my partner that I would not continue the relationship with this behavior, he had a temper tantrum like a child who was being told they were not going to get candy. It was incredibly frightening to see especially coming from an adult man. Things somehow limped along for a few months, but eventually I exploded - I was looking for some sort of accountability from him for the many years of abuse. He couldn't handle my emotions or being called on his crap and a few weeks later, told me he just couldn't do this anymore and ended our relationship. I'm leaving out a lot of the details but that's the basic story.
I was completely shocked given all that we had been through together (there were also many good times as well as all the bad and our relationship had stood the test of time) so I asked him if we could be on a break instead for a few months. That break is coming to an end and I know that I need to end the relationship for good. He has recently ramped up his communications to me - and started calling me by my pet name and saying he loves me. This man is not well - and dangerous.
My partner does not know the truth of what the breakup was like for me as I purposely did not want to give him any ammunition to hurt me with, but I barely made it through. I have been sleeping on my ex-H's couch for weeks and my ex-H has been feeding me and caring for me as I did not feel safe being alone. I have never felt like this bad in my entire life and without the support of my ex-H, I don't think I would be here to be able to share this as I had severe suicidal ideation. I am externally grateful to my ex-H for this - he saved my life.
At the moment, I don't know much about CPTSD, but my therapist says it is clear that I am suffering from this and that my entire nervous system is destroyed from the years of my partner's maladaptive behavior. The one weird symptom that has developed - and I am actually somewhat happy about it - is that I cannot feel any emotions when I think about my partner. I do burst into tears unexpectedly at other times, but overall, I have this eerie sense of numbness. It is making it easier for me to deal with the situation, but I worry about whether this will continue long term. I am hoping once I am finally free that I will be able to go back to "normal." I have made some progress in other areas of my life - I've been reaching out to establish social connections and have been keeping active so I think I am doing as well as can be expected given everything.
Sorry that this was long and I hope I haven't triggered anyone. Thank you for welcoming me. I am glad to have found this place.
I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself; I sort of jumped right into it with a post under Relationships because I had a pressing question - thanks to those who responded. I have CPTSD due a long-term abusive relationship.
It is unclear if my partner has ASPD - he has shown me his medical records that indicate this is the case - or CPTSD - he claims his most recent therapist feels this is a more accurate diagnosis. His behavior throughout the relationship was exremely confusing and part of me feels there was likely some sort of childhood sexual abuse at some point, but I really do not know for sure. He is/was hypersexual and I did not know anything about his secret double life for the first 5 years of the relationship. The initial discovery was incredibly traumatizing for me - the behavior was just so extreme that I initially it was sex addiction. When I found out, I quite literally felt something crack in my head.
I can still remember the day I learned the truth clearly and if I close my eyes, I can actually transport myself back as if I were there - hearing the sounds, feeling the breeze against my skin. The memory is so vivid, it is like it happened yesterday even though it is now over 10 years ago. In the years that followed discovery, there were multiple other instances of hypersexuality - some more disturbing and extreme than others - but all traumatizing nonetheless. I look back on it now and realize that I was in denial and dissociative for all those years as a way of coping. The entire relationship feels a bit like a dream - I know it happened, but it doesn't feel real. It was years of my life, and that thought is at times almost more than I can cope with.
About 9 months ago, there was another discovery but this time, I could not just ignore it and insisted we see a therapist. When I told my partner that I would not continue the relationship with this behavior, he had a temper tantrum like a child who was being told they were not going to get candy. It was incredibly frightening to see especially coming from an adult man. Things somehow limped along for a few months, but eventually I exploded - I was looking for some sort of accountability from him for the many years of abuse. He couldn't handle my emotions or being called on his crap and a few weeks later, told me he just couldn't do this anymore and ended our relationship. I'm leaving out a lot of the details but that's the basic story.
I was completely shocked given all that we had been through together (there were also many good times as well as all the bad and our relationship had stood the test of time) so I asked him if we could be on a break instead for a few months. That break is coming to an end and I know that I need to end the relationship for good. He has recently ramped up his communications to me - and started calling me by my pet name and saying he loves me. This man is not well - and dangerous.
My partner does not know the truth of what the breakup was like for me as I purposely did not want to give him any ammunition to hurt me with, but I barely made it through. I have been sleeping on my ex-H's couch for weeks and my ex-H has been feeding me and caring for me as I did not feel safe being alone. I have never felt like this bad in my entire life and without the support of my ex-H, I don't think I would be here to be able to share this as I had severe suicidal ideation. I am externally grateful to my ex-H for this - he saved my life.
At the moment, I don't know much about CPTSD, but my therapist says it is clear that I am suffering from this and that my entire nervous system is destroyed from the years of my partner's maladaptive behavior. The one weird symptom that has developed - and I am actually somewhat happy about it - is that I cannot feel any emotions when I think about my partner. I do burst into tears unexpectedly at other times, but overall, I have this eerie sense of numbness. It is making it easier for me to deal with the situation, but I worry about whether this will continue long term. I am hoping once I am finally free that I will be able to go back to "normal." I have made some progress in other areas of my life - I've been reaching out to establish social connections and have been keeping active so I think I am doing as well as can be expected given everything.
Sorry that this was long and I hope I haven't triggered anyone. Thank you for welcoming me. I am glad to have found this place.