DiamondBug
Bronze Member
So I have only just started to bring the fact that my dad and sister sexually abused me to the point in my head that I feel like I need to speak about it. I watched a documentary about something similar with my partner and realised that I can't hide this anymore.
I need to rant. I just brought this idea to my therapists mind yesterday. I went there thinking about how I'm going to say everything and it all went out the window. He knows they physically and emotionally abused me but not the other stuff.
I told him I had something to say but I didn't even know where to begin, so he just started asking questions, which I prefer, because it's not too much information at one time. I felt so scared to even answer the most basic questions, like who was this involving?, did someone hurt you? how old were you? etc. It took the full session just to say a lot of things happened between ages 5-13, it was my dad and my sister doing stuff to me and the stuff hurt me. I'm hope he knew what I was hinting at, I think he understood though. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. All the answers were ready to fly out but it's like my mind just wouldn't let them. It clicked with me that my sister was around 16 when the abuse of me stopped and that's only because I refused to see them again. She must of known that was wrong, she used to badly hurt me when I'd say I'd tell someone or if I said I was telling mum she'd say she'd tell mum I was doing it to her, she seemed to love abusing me, her abuse was at points a lot worse than my dads, she was really sadistic. My dad would mainly sexually abuse and beat me, but my sister broke my jaw, regularly forced me to sit in scalding water, do webcam shows for old men, choke me, sexually abuse me, etc. It just seemed like she really enjoyed what she was doing. I can remember her forcing me to help her "finish" that was pretty much daily. Then I feel bad because she must of been abused too surely to act so violent and disturbed from 7 years old?
He asked me if I was going to be okay to leave when the session finished and because I just felt like I needed to cry alone for a bit so I just immediately said yes, when I really wasn't okay at all. I don't think I've ever been this not okay. I went straight to the toilet, I had to take my clothes off to cool down, I'd destroyed my makeup, my head felt like it was slowly splitting. I didn't want to leave, I really wasn't ready to. I was so open. I tried to calm myself down. I walked out to leave and unexpectedly my therapist opened the door at the end of the corridor and it almost got too much. It's so hard to let him see me (I know this sounds weird but I constantly hide behind my hair, it's a security thing for me, to the point I'm not sure if he knows properly what I look like). I really wish I turned to him then and said I think I need to talk a bit more now, I don't even know if he would've been able to, but all I said in between sobs was sorry because I was blocking the door. I kept feeling like I was wasting his time. I felt so stupid when he was telling me to say what I can, because I can't describe that in words, I have never even said it aloud to myself. The first time was yesterday. And now I feel like I've been torn open. I feel so mixed up right now. I feel this sick loyalty to my family and I hate it. Maybe it's more I'm hanging on to the fantasy I had a caring family, because it's all I ever wanted since I was little, I never thought about the abuse until recently, I tried to keep all my memories rose tinted or told myself it was normal, just to try and keep the internal illusion up. I don't know why. Well I do, I just wanted a loving dad who loved me the right way not a cruel monster who used and hurt me in the worst ways. I'm only kidding myself when I do this and probably further damaging myself. I can't describe how disgusting I feel. I just really don't know how I'm going to cope now. I feel so suddenly exposed and now completely alone. I always thought this was something that would be relatively easy to talk about in comparison to the other things I've had to talk about but it's the hardest. I feel so broken. I feel so conflicted.
I need to rant. I just brought this idea to my therapists mind yesterday. I went there thinking about how I'm going to say everything and it all went out the window. He knows they physically and emotionally abused me but not the other stuff.
I told him I had something to say but I didn't even know where to begin, so he just started asking questions, which I prefer, because it's not too much information at one time. I felt so scared to even answer the most basic questions, like who was this involving?, did someone hurt you? how old were you? etc. It took the full session just to say a lot of things happened between ages 5-13, it was my dad and my sister doing stuff to me and the stuff hurt me. I'm hope he knew what I was hinting at, I think he understood though. It was the most painful thing I've ever done. All the answers were ready to fly out but it's like my mind just wouldn't let them. It clicked with me that my sister was around 16 when the abuse of me stopped and that's only because I refused to see them again. She must of known that was wrong, she used to badly hurt me when I'd say I'd tell someone or if I said I was telling mum she'd say she'd tell mum I was doing it to her, she seemed to love abusing me, her abuse was at points a lot worse than my dads, she was really sadistic. My dad would mainly sexually abuse and beat me, but my sister broke my jaw, regularly forced me to sit in scalding water, do webcam shows for old men, choke me, sexually abuse me, etc. It just seemed like she really enjoyed what she was doing. I can remember her forcing me to help her "finish" that was pretty much daily. Then I feel bad because she must of been abused too surely to act so violent and disturbed from 7 years old?
He asked me if I was going to be okay to leave when the session finished and because I just felt like I needed to cry alone for a bit so I just immediately said yes, when I really wasn't okay at all. I don't think I've ever been this not okay. I went straight to the toilet, I had to take my clothes off to cool down, I'd destroyed my makeup, my head felt like it was slowly splitting. I didn't want to leave, I really wasn't ready to. I was so open. I tried to calm myself down. I walked out to leave and unexpectedly my therapist opened the door at the end of the corridor and it almost got too much. It's so hard to let him see me (I know this sounds weird but I constantly hide behind my hair, it's a security thing for me, to the point I'm not sure if he knows properly what I look like). I really wish I turned to him then and said I think I need to talk a bit more now, I don't even know if he would've been able to, but all I said in between sobs was sorry because I was blocking the door. I kept feeling like I was wasting his time. I felt so stupid when he was telling me to say what I can, because I can't describe that in words, I have never even said it aloud to myself. The first time was yesterday. And now I feel like I've been torn open. I feel so mixed up right now. I feel this sick loyalty to my family and I hate it. Maybe it's more I'm hanging on to the fantasy I had a caring family, because it's all I ever wanted since I was little, I never thought about the abuse until recently, I tried to keep all my memories rose tinted or told myself it was normal, just to try and keep the internal illusion up. I don't know why. Well I do, I just wanted a loving dad who loved me the right way not a cruel monster who used and hurt me in the worst ways. I'm only kidding myself when I do this and probably further damaging myself. I can't describe how disgusting I feel. I just really don't know how I'm going to cope now. I feel so suddenly exposed and now completely alone. I always thought this was something that would be relatively easy to talk about in comparison to the other things I've had to talk about but it's the hardest. I feel so broken. I feel so conflicted.
